Self Sabotage

 I really should just change the title of this blog to The Jane Show, shouldn't I? She's the only one I need to write about anymore. 

Everything, and every one, else is doing so good right now. I'm happier than I've been in a very long time. For some reason, over this last month I have just felt the anger melting away. Anger I didn't understand, didn't know where it came from or why, anger I couldn't control. It's gone. I'm quiet and calm even when one of them breaks the TV and the other messes with my computer. 

Kate is in one of those adorable phases. She flipped the switch from 3 and stubborn to 3 and sweet and it's just so much fun. She is cute and funny and says those things that make adults smile all the time. She's happy and affectionate and just...normal. Completely and utterly normal. 

James is also growing in all good ways. Suddenly his vocabulary has blossomed and he's developing a sense of humor. He's full of jokes and burps and all the crazy things that make boys so silly and fun. He's excelling in school. I'm hearing good reports from his teacher every week. My favorite thing is that when he's at school he loves to listen to books on tape. So, on the way home from school he likes to tell me a story he's making up. Every so often he'll pause and intone in a solemn voice: "at the tone, turn the page" and then he goes on with his story. It cracks me up every time. 

Gus is getting happy that his big brother will be home soon. He's not being quite such an asinine 14 yr old and is actually pretty compliant about getting chores done. Sorta. Mainly he's just goofy. He makes me watch stupid comedians and pranksters on YouTube late at night. It's a ridiculous thing to bond over but, what the hell, in the time of Covid....

Theo is super busy at work but also weirdly productive in the kitchen. I think he's really teaching himself how to cook and is trying some more adventurous meals. Tonight's dinner was absolutely fantastic. I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving. And that, in itself, is saying something. This week as I was making my To Do cleaning list I realized that in every other year I've done it all--worked a job, cleaned the house, shopped for the food, prepped the food, and made the food all while watching all the kids. And then did most of the clean up while everyone else skulked away. 

No wonder I was exhausted. No wonder I'm happy this year!

Seth will be home on Wednesday. I'm counting the hours. Knowing I'll have all my chicks home safe in the nest is really all I need for my holidays this year. 

So, everyone is really, really good. Except Jane. She cannot let herself be good. She must self-sabotage. 

It is just so incredibly sad to watch. Today I had to buy Kate a new winter coat and James some new gloves. As I put those in the cart I realized Jane would struggle that they got something and she didn't. She truly is growing out of all her pants so I bought her some new sweatpants and one soft shirt that was on sale. When the kids got home from school I presented her with her new clothes first. She was thrilled. I helped her get the tags off and changed right into them and made sure we had a nice, happy moment together. 

Then I got the kids a snack. When they were done eating Jane came into the kitchen and suddenly started using the whiniest baby talk to say she was still hungry. This switch in her mood came out of the blue. Moments before she was talking normally, and exclaiming loudly, about her new clothes. I asked her to speak normally and reminded her of how she'd just been talking in order to help her get back in that mood. 

Nope. Two more tries and she cannot do it. She's doubling down on her I'm-a-victim-whine-and-simper act. I send her to her room. She comes out and asks to go outside. I say she can if she can talk normally. Nope. Back to her room. 

She comes out to use the bathroom. While in there she makes a colossal mess with poop and toilet paper. Of course she does. She's mad and she's gonna use her poop to show it. I make her clean it all up, make her change out of her new clothes and give them all back to me, and then send her back to her room. 

She comes out to say she's hungry. I remind her of every single step and every single choice she's made over the past two hours. I spend time with her going over it slowly so she can really understand the consequences of every choice. She went from a happy afternoon with new clothes to being sent to her room until dinner. One self-sabotaging act after another. I try to teach her that she is her own worst enemy and her choices have consequences. I try and try and hope that maybe somehow it'll get through. All the while I know it won't.

At some point she falls asleep. I went in twice to try to wake her up for dinner and she twitched a bit but didn't really wake. Even her sister going to bed didn't wake her. So, she slept through dinner for probably only the second time in the two years that she's been here.

So, now I'm thinking that she was super tired and that's the underlying cause of her stupid actions today. I remember that this weekend she woke up super early on Saturday and then woke up James and Kate to play with her. She always gets in trouble every time she does this but she cannot resist the thrill of being in charge and ordering them around. On Sunday she got up super early also, but at least this time she didn't wake up the others. Still had to do it, though, just to prove the point that she gets to be in charge.

Whatever the root cause--being tired, being hungry, being angry--it always leads to the same place. She does one stupid thing after another till she gets in trouble. Self-sabotage. 

She can't let herself be happy. She can't let us be happy. She can't just exist in the world. She must create chaos. She absolutely invents problems out of thin air. I've seen her do it hundreds of times, literally hundreds. It's almost a daily event. 

The question is--where does this go? How bad does it get? Is it possible to intervene? Will we get ahead of this? Will our entire family be a victim of her perpetual shit show?