I write so much about Jane. She is, by far, the most disturbed child in our home. She does inexplicable things (maybe only due to the first three years of her life lived in a home of trauma, or maybe also due to Fetal Alcohol Syndrome in addition) that I need to work through my experiences with her by writing about them.
But she isn't the only person in our home. So, as we launch into the transition from summer to another school year, here is where my family stands.
Theo works from home most days but then has phases, due to the nature of a project, where he goes in to the work site, or travels out of state, or just works incredibly long hours from home. We love the flexibility but hate the constant demands on his time. As I've said to him, working from home means you are always working at home.
Our marriage is in the best place it's ever been. 18 years of marriage and I think we've got this figured out. I wouldn't say we have less conflict--I'd just say that now our "fights" have whittled down from days, in our first year of marriage, to about two lines each at this point. Whole hours of argumentation can now be summarized in one word and a look. It's handy, this shorthand. But hard earned.
I am a sad, reluctant SAHM. Since the birth of our first child we have prioritized care for children at home by a parent over out-of-the-home daycare. It's the right decision but it's wreaked havoc on my career. I love teaching. I love the intense world of special education. I do it well and it's deeply meaningful to me. But I'm probably home for another 1-2 years at least until the three littles are ready for school.
I'm filling the mental gap for me (and them, too, since I don't truly do preschool when we're all at home all day--there's always laundry or dishes or something to distract me) by starting a Parent's Morning Out at my church. We'll meet Tues-Thur from 9am to 11:30 and I'll do a semi-structured preschool program with lots of free play mixed in. Nothing too intense. Just a reason to get out of the house and begin exposure to those early school skills.
Seth, my great big son who towers over me, turned 17, got his driver's license, and kinda turned back into a nice person over the summer. He seems to have done all his teenage angst early and intensely and might be coming back to us now. Fingers crossed. I feel like I talk to him kinda like I would an intern at work. He's young and inexperienced but also intelligent and capable and fairly reasonable. I suppose "intern" is a good word to use. He's interning for adulthood right now.
Yesterday he and I were talking about his senior year of high school and I made a promise to him that I always want him to speak up and tell me what he needs. I said, "don't wait till 10 years from now to tell me that you regret we didn't show up to something that was important to you." Every day feels precious right now. I want him to know he isn't pushed out of the nest quite yet.
Fun fact: somehow most of Seth's driver's ed training fell to me though everyone agrees Theo would've done it more calmly. I spent an hour each day for several weeks clutching the door, stomping on an imaginary brake pedal on the passenger side, and exclaiming, "Oh Lordy!" at regular intervals. Seth finally did his driving test and the examiner, a police officer, said he scored in the top 10 out of 1,000 students and specifically said Seth should thank whomever taught him to drive. I tell myself this story each time I look in the mirror and see a whole new swath of my hair that turned gray this summer.
(At one point he asked me if my "Oh Lordy!" was praying to God or swearing at him. I told him the truth: it was a little of both, buddy.)
Gus, my 13 yr old brat, is thoroughly in the throes of teenage-ness. One moment he's mature and interesting and helpful and getting compliments from every adult around him. The next moment he's breaking down crying because I yelled at him for the 20th time to do the most basic chore he just somehow keeps "forgetting" to do. Or, worse yet, I'm trying to explain a novel task that I need done and he's absolutely not hearing anything I say so then he's asking the most inane questions that frustrate the hell out of me. His need to argue possibly surpasses even Seth's at that age. And that's saying something.
I love my boys with all of my being--and I know this is a stage that serves a purpose later on--but dear lord they tax my patience.
But, Gus is also patient and kind to the three littles on a daily basis. With Seth's school obligations lots of childcare fell to Gus this summer and he really stepped up. He refuses to have anything to do with the bathroom or changing clothes, but he does everything else. And they absolutely adore him. He's the funnest babysitter ever because he actually gets right in there and plays along with them.
James turned 4 and became mature. It was truly overnight. His vocabulary is bigger; his comments are more insightful; he's generous and patient with the girls where he used to cry and tantrum. He even had a better haircut with the barber this time (cried and squirmed for about half of the session vs all of it). He's always been a rather quiet, thoughtful toddler. He really just wants to look through books about animals, or line up his animal figures, or watch cartoons about animals, or tell us about animals. So, knowledge and facts are his thing and just now animals are the medium. The girls have expanded his world in lots of ways. I think it's been good for him.
I think James will be just as calm, steady, and intelligent as his brothers. When I think about his future I feel that I already know where we're going based on his similarity to Seth. I hope he'll make the same good decisions, and good friends, that Seth and Gus have made in school. I just need to remember not to take him for granted given all the attention the two girls demand. But I see him as a good boy and a steadying influence on them. That's my prayer, anyway.
And, finally, Kate. She is whip smart. That girl amazes me every day. She is two years, five months old and she already recognizes all the roads and intersections leading to our house up to five miles away. She can already tell me, from the backseat, "dis way, mama" or, at an intersection while I'm waiting at a red light "no go dat way, mama" as we're driving home. She is keenly observant and has an amazing memory. She talked about an event with a person she last saw when she was 18 months old just yesterday. Full of facts and details about that event.
Kate makes observations about people my boys couldn't have made until they were at least six. Yesterday I was telling her that this morning all the kids would go to church with daddy so mom could stay home and clean the house. Seth was sitting there during the conversation so she turned to him and said, "Yay! Church! Go on time. Seth do it." She was saying that Seth would have to be responsible for getting everyone out the door on time because everyone knows timeliness is not Theo's forte. When that girl has a full vocabulary she is going to run this household! (And at this rate I expect that to be somewhere around 3 and a half.)
Kate truly feels like my daughter. We were slow to warm up to each other at first. She was a reserved baby who did her own thing and resisted signs of affection when she first came here. I know now she was incredibly aware and moving purposefully through stages of trust. And Jane purposely sucks all the oxygen out of the room when Kate is there so she greatly overshadowed Kate until we figured out what was going on and began preventing those behaviors and habits.
But Kate and I are thoroughly bonded now. She feels comfortable in my arms. Our physical connection happened at her pace and is genuine now. She wraps her little arms around my neck and tucks her head onto my shoulder and we just sway together. It feels natural--something I did with all my babies.
So that's our family. One good husband. Four normal kids. One intense-needs kid. It seems doable. Tiring; but doable.
But she isn't the only person in our home. So, as we launch into the transition from summer to another school year, here is where my family stands.
Theo works from home most days but then has phases, due to the nature of a project, where he goes in to the work site, or travels out of state, or just works incredibly long hours from home. We love the flexibility but hate the constant demands on his time. As I've said to him, working from home means you are always working at home.
Our marriage is in the best place it's ever been. 18 years of marriage and I think we've got this figured out. I wouldn't say we have less conflict--I'd just say that now our "fights" have whittled down from days, in our first year of marriage, to about two lines each at this point. Whole hours of argumentation can now be summarized in one word and a look. It's handy, this shorthand. But hard earned.
I am a sad, reluctant SAHM. Since the birth of our first child we have prioritized care for children at home by a parent over out-of-the-home daycare. It's the right decision but it's wreaked havoc on my career. I love teaching. I love the intense world of special education. I do it well and it's deeply meaningful to me. But I'm probably home for another 1-2 years at least until the three littles are ready for school.
I'm filling the mental gap for me (and them, too, since I don't truly do preschool when we're all at home all day--there's always laundry or dishes or something to distract me) by starting a Parent's Morning Out at my church. We'll meet Tues-Thur from 9am to 11:30 and I'll do a semi-structured preschool program with lots of free play mixed in. Nothing too intense. Just a reason to get out of the house and begin exposure to those early school skills.
Seth, my great big son who towers over me, turned 17, got his driver's license, and kinda turned back into a nice person over the summer. He seems to have done all his teenage angst early and intensely and might be coming back to us now. Fingers crossed. I feel like I talk to him kinda like I would an intern at work. He's young and inexperienced but also intelligent and capable and fairly reasonable. I suppose "intern" is a good word to use. He's interning for adulthood right now.
Yesterday he and I were talking about his senior year of high school and I made a promise to him that I always want him to speak up and tell me what he needs. I said, "don't wait till 10 years from now to tell me that you regret we didn't show up to something that was important to you." Every day feels precious right now. I want him to know he isn't pushed out of the nest quite yet.
Fun fact: somehow most of Seth's driver's ed training fell to me though everyone agrees Theo would've done it more calmly. I spent an hour each day for several weeks clutching the door, stomping on an imaginary brake pedal on the passenger side, and exclaiming, "Oh Lordy!" at regular intervals. Seth finally did his driving test and the examiner, a police officer, said he scored in the top 10 out of 1,000 students and specifically said Seth should thank whomever taught him to drive. I tell myself this story each time I look in the mirror and see a whole new swath of my hair that turned gray this summer.
(At one point he asked me if my "Oh Lordy!" was praying to God or swearing at him. I told him the truth: it was a little of both, buddy.)
Gus, my 13 yr old brat, is thoroughly in the throes of teenage-ness. One moment he's mature and interesting and helpful and getting compliments from every adult around him. The next moment he's breaking down crying because I yelled at him for the 20th time to do the most basic chore he just somehow keeps "forgetting" to do. Or, worse yet, I'm trying to explain a novel task that I need done and he's absolutely not hearing anything I say so then he's asking the most inane questions that frustrate the hell out of me. His need to argue possibly surpasses even Seth's at that age. And that's saying something.
I love my boys with all of my being--and I know this is a stage that serves a purpose later on--but dear lord they tax my patience.
But, Gus is also patient and kind to the three littles on a daily basis. With Seth's school obligations lots of childcare fell to Gus this summer and he really stepped up. He refuses to have anything to do with the bathroom or changing clothes, but he does everything else. And they absolutely adore him. He's the funnest babysitter ever because he actually gets right in there and plays along with them.
James turned 4 and became mature. It was truly overnight. His vocabulary is bigger; his comments are more insightful; he's generous and patient with the girls where he used to cry and tantrum. He even had a better haircut with the barber this time (cried and squirmed for about half of the session vs all of it). He's always been a rather quiet, thoughtful toddler. He really just wants to look through books about animals, or line up his animal figures, or watch cartoons about animals, or tell us about animals. So, knowledge and facts are his thing and just now animals are the medium. The girls have expanded his world in lots of ways. I think it's been good for him.
I think James will be just as calm, steady, and intelligent as his brothers. When I think about his future I feel that I already know where we're going based on his similarity to Seth. I hope he'll make the same good decisions, and good friends, that Seth and Gus have made in school. I just need to remember not to take him for granted given all the attention the two girls demand. But I see him as a good boy and a steadying influence on them. That's my prayer, anyway.
And, finally, Kate. She is whip smart. That girl amazes me every day. She is two years, five months old and she already recognizes all the roads and intersections leading to our house up to five miles away. She can already tell me, from the backseat, "dis way, mama" or, at an intersection while I'm waiting at a red light "no go dat way, mama" as we're driving home. She is keenly observant and has an amazing memory. She talked about an event with a person she last saw when she was 18 months old just yesterday. Full of facts and details about that event.
Kate makes observations about people my boys couldn't have made until they were at least six. Yesterday I was telling her that this morning all the kids would go to church with daddy so mom could stay home and clean the house. Seth was sitting there during the conversation so she turned to him and said, "Yay! Church! Go on time. Seth do it." She was saying that Seth would have to be responsible for getting everyone out the door on time because everyone knows timeliness is not Theo's forte. When that girl has a full vocabulary she is going to run this household! (And at this rate I expect that to be somewhere around 3 and a half.)
Kate truly feels like my daughter. We were slow to warm up to each other at first. She was a reserved baby who did her own thing and resisted signs of affection when she first came here. I know now she was incredibly aware and moving purposefully through stages of trust. And Jane purposely sucks all the oxygen out of the room when Kate is there so she greatly overshadowed Kate until we figured out what was going on and began preventing those behaviors and habits.
But Kate and I are thoroughly bonded now. She feels comfortable in my arms. Our physical connection happened at her pace and is genuine now. She wraps her little arms around my neck and tucks her head onto my shoulder and we just sway together. It feels natural--something I did with all my babies.
So that's our family. One good husband. Four normal kids. One intense-needs kid. It seems doable. Tiring; but doable.
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