Both girls have been talking lots lately about how old they are, who is bigger, what age they will be next, what their names are now and are going to be, etc.
I feel like we're close enough to the finalization of the adoption that it's safe to answer with definitives. Interestingly, Jane had this whole conversation with me where she asked what her name was when she was born and what it'll be when she's a grown up. Like she wondered if maybe it changed every few years. She was kind of worried throughout our conversation--wondering if she was losing her identity? She felt reassured when I told her that her first name had always been the same and always would be. I'm very glad we didn't change their first names for just this reason.
Then, tonight, Kate had an interesting conversation with me. At only 2 years, 9 months she can't have very in depth conversations but I know she's got bigger thoughts than her vocabulary is able to express. She's a very thoughtful, observant little girl. When her language skills fully develop we're going to have a little lawyer on our hands!
First, she was sitting on my lap and talking about pictures hanging on the bedroom wall. They're professional, framed pictures of Seth, Gus, and James about three years ago when the boys were 14, 10 and 1. Kate named the two big boys accurately but then, instead of naming James she insisted that she was the baby in the picture. It was very important to her to place herself in that. She was adamant and kept repeating it. I finally stopped correcting her and just agreed with her. Then she was satisfied.
She's done this with other pictures in more of an asking tone like she's asking, where am I in this family and is using pictures to do it. I put up pictures of the girls awhile ago. There's a whole frame that has nine openings and so each kid gets their own spot--five slots have one kid--and then the other four slots have 2-3 kids pictured in them. Each kid shows up the same number of times. I put that up months ago and the girls talk about it fairly often. But, somehow, Kate was asking tonight about her presence here from her infancy.
Kate is talking about getting bigger all the time. She wants a "big girl bed" and not a "smaller bed" as she calls her crib. She keeps pointing to herself and saying, "I grow bigger bigger now!" It's adorable. I've told her if she can go two weeks out of diapers and in dry underwear then I'll get her a big bed. That got her pretty interested in underwear again. (And she did stay dry all day today.)
So, at bedtime Kate did this thing where she asks where everyone is. It seems important to her to run through the list. Of course the big boys are gone a lot so it makes sense she has to ask. She goes through every person in our family, then the two grandmas, and then shocks me by saying, "Where Mama Leah at?" She's never asked that before. I give her the same answer I gave her for the grandmas--at their house going to bed just like she is.
Then I asked her questions about Mama Leah's house. I know some stuff from Jane so I ask Kate questions. Is there a dog at Mama Leah's house? Are there cats? Are there fish in a fish tank? She answers yes to all of them but I know there was no dog or cats and only a fish tank (with a dead fish caught under a rock, as Jane gruesomely recounts for me every time--it clearly scared her deeply to see it and it's still a scary memory).
So, after Kate says yes there was a dog and cat and fish I ask more in depth questions. What was the dog's name? Kate points to our puppy, Sage, sitting right at our feet as we're talking and says, "Sage." Then looks at me like, duh! She does the same for the cat--naming our own cat. I make sure she knows I'm asking about Mama Leah's house but she is adamant.
Next, I ask her who else lived at Mama Leah's house besides Mama Leah. I want to know if she remembers her dad at all. She says, "my mommy lived there." I ask, "who?" and she points to me and says, "you mommy."
Ah, that's what I was wondering. She's doing that thing where kids mix up the stages of their life and put people in times and places they weren't really.
In a weird way this brings a bit of closure for me. I feel like her memories of this house, and our family and out pets, have supplanted her memories of her first home and birth mother. I am glad. It makes me feel that she is at peace. I know Jane will always be haunted by memories of her first home and birth parents but I truly think that Kate's memories are fading and that this will make her view of herself as a part of our family more real and complete.
She was exactly 1 year, 8 months when she came to us. That's very young as far as retaining memories of people and events.
We won't ever lie to the girls. We'll always be open about their adoption. But, I think for Kate the concept of living somewhere else, with other family, and then leaving all that for a new home and family, will be an idea, not a first-hand memory really.
Of course Jane will always talk about her memories and I'm glad that Kate will have her, as well as her grandma and any other relatives who stay in touch with us, to ask questions of. But she already has made the switch from thinking of her birth mother as her "mommy" to thinking of me as her "mommy".
Every since we got the girls I've wondered what the girls would do if we saw their birth mother out in public one day. Would they recognize her? Would they go to her? I believe Jane would. For the first time, I don't think Kate would.
As much as I want to acknowledge and honor her birth family there's a part of me, her adoptive mother, her "mommy", that just wants to be the sole person in that role. I don't want to share "mommy" with another woman. I'm glad Kate has made that transition. I hope that, with time, Jane will also.
I feel like we're close enough to the finalization of the adoption that it's safe to answer with definitives. Interestingly, Jane had this whole conversation with me where she asked what her name was when she was born and what it'll be when she's a grown up. Like she wondered if maybe it changed every few years. She was kind of worried throughout our conversation--wondering if she was losing her identity? She felt reassured when I told her that her first name had always been the same and always would be. I'm very glad we didn't change their first names for just this reason.
Then, tonight, Kate had an interesting conversation with me. At only 2 years, 9 months she can't have very in depth conversations but I know she's got bigger thoughts than her vocabulary is able to express. She's a very thoughtful, observant little girl. When her language skills fully develop we're going to have a little lawyer on our hands!
First, she was sitting on my lap and talking about pictures hanging on the bedroom wall. They're professional, framed pictures of Seth, Gus, and James about three years ago when the boys were 14, 10 and 1. Kate named the two big boys accurately but then, instead of naming James she insisted that she was the baby in the picture. It was very important to her to place herself in that. She was adamant and kept repeating it. I finally stopped correcting her and just agreed with her. Then she was satisfied.
She's done this with other pictures in more of an asking tone like she's asking, where am I in this family and is using pictures to do it. I put up pictures of the girls awhile ago. There's a whole frame that has nine openings and so each kid gets their own spot--five slots have one kid--and then the other four slots have 2-3 kids pictured in them. Each kid shows up the same number of times. I put that up months ago and the girls talk about it fairly often. But, somehow, Kate was asking tonight about her presence here from her infancy.
Kate is talking about getting bigger all the time. She wants a "big girl bed" and not a "smaller bed" as she calls her crib. She keeps pointing to herself and saying, "I grow bigger bigger now!" It's adorable. I've told her if she can go two weeks out of diapers and in dry underwear then I'll get her a big bed. That got her pretty interested in underwear again. (And she did stay dry all day today.)
So, at bedtime Kate did this thing where she asks where everyone is. It seems important to her to run through the list. Of course the big boys are gone a lot so it makes sense she has to ask. She goes through every person in our family, then the two grandmas, and then shocks me by saying, "Where Mama Leah at?" She's never asked that before. I give her the same answer I gave her for the grandmas--at their house going to bed just like she is.
Then I asked her questions about Mama Leah's house. I know some stuff from Jane so I ask Kate questions. Is there a dog at Mama Leah's house? Are there cats? Are there fish in a fish tank? She answers yes to all of them but I know there was no dog or cats and only a fish tank (with a dead fish caught under a rock, as Jane gruesomely recounts for me every time--it clearly scared her deeply to see it and it's still a scary memory).
So, after Kate says yes there was a dog and cat and fish I ask more in depth questions. What was the dog's name? Kate points to our puppy, Sage, sitting right at our feet as we're talking and says, "Sage." Then looks at me like, duh! She does the same for the cat--naming our own cat. I make sure she knows I'm asking about Mama Leah's house but she is adamant.
Next, I ask her who else lived at Mama Leah's house besides Mama Leah. I want to know if she remembers her dad at all. She says, "my mommy lived there." I ask, "who?" and she points to me and says, "you mommy."
Ah, that's what I was wondering. She's doing that thing where kids mix up the stages of their life and put people in times and places they weren't really.
In a weird way this brings a bit of closure for me. I feel like her memories of this house, and our family and out pets, have supplanted her memories of her first home and birth mother. I am glad. It makes me feel that she is at peace. I know Jane will always be haunted by memories of her first home and birth parents but I truly think that Kate's memories are fading and that this will make her view of herself as a part of our family more real and complete.
She was exactly 1 year, 8 months when she came to us. That's very young as far as retaining memories of people and events.
We won't ever lie to the girls. We'll always be open about their adoption. But, I think for Kate the concept of living somewhere else, with other family, and then leaving all that for a new home and family, will be an idea, not a first-hand memory really.
Of course Jane will always talk about her memories and I'm glad that Kate will have her, as well as her grandma and any other relatives who stay in touch with us, to ask questions of. But she already has made the switch from thinking of her birth mother as her "mommy" to thinking of me as her "mommy".
Every since we got the girls I've wondered what the girls would do if we saw their birth mother out in public one day. Would they recognize her? Would they go to her? I believe Jane would. For the first time, I don't think Kate would.
As much as I want to acknowledge and honor her birth family there's a part of me, her adoptive mother, her "mommy", that just wants to be the sole person in that role. I don't want to share "mommy" with another woman. I'm glad Kate has made that transition. I hope that, with time, Jane will also.
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