Another bad day today. It's 2:20 as I write this and it's already been a full day. We didn't go to preschool today because I'm dealing with either a migraine or a sinus headache that's making me sore and queasy.
I pulled it together long enough to get them to the park for a half hour this morning in hopes that that would help her behavior--I know she needs large motor/large joints engagement for her sensory seeking needs. But, nope, as soon as we got home, literally before I even got my coat off, she started in with the pestering behavior and then the sneaking around and lying. She's incredibly attuned to my health and mood. She knows when I'm less aware and an easier target.
First she took one of their toys and put it inside the dog crate knowing the dog would chew it up. This sent Kate into a panic and she was shrieking about the loss of her toy. Both girls accused the other of doing it. I asked them to sit in a separate room and think and tell me what happened. Jane adamantly lied so convincingly I'd started to believe her when James confirmed Kate's version. She's getting better and better about lying. She's learning to add details to make her lie seem more convincing.
What's weird is that she doesn't even seem to show any shame or remorse when she reverses herself and tells the truth. She just decides the jig is up, she's caught, and she tells the truth as smoothly as she was telling the lie. She has no concept of honor or giving your word or trustworthiness or whatever is age appropriate for a 4 yo. She only acts to avoid getting in trouble, or then to lessen her punishment by fessing up.
About an hour later she snuck into the kitchen and found some pita bread that she gave to Kate while she also ate some. It isn't really sneaking. I rarely say no (only if I'm about to put a meal on the table) and the kitchen is pretty much open for snacking any time. I'd rather they eat when they're hungry and avoid that becoming an issue. They know this--there are designated foods in kid-friendly containers. But I do want them to ask me to get a snack precisely to maintain openness and avoid the feeling of sneaking.
And, what really bothers me is Jane trying to mother Kate and be the one who feeds her. Mainly because Kate, at 2.5, shoves huge amounts of food into her mouth and then chokes. She needs to be watched all the time when she eats.
After both incidents I had good talks with Jane. We practiced telling the truth and replayed the whole scenario with putting the toy in the dog crate. We practiced having her say, out loud, "I'm mad at you!" instead of sneaking food (since she admitted she was planning to do it while in time out and angry about being there).
Then, at the end of lunch, Jane started talking. Out of the blue she said, "remember a long time ago when I used to sneak food." I asked questions and figured out that she was talking about when she first came to our house. I do remember that. I remember whole bags of apples with just one bite taken out of each one. She wanted to talk about doing it, and she wanted me to know that she has only done it here, never at her birth mother's house (both girls were seriously obese when they came so I think it's true that at least they were never hungry in their home; I think food was used as a way to shut them up and send them away).
So I tried to find the connection between what she was feeling when she first came and snuck food and what she's feeling now. She couldn't do it. She's extremely reluctant (unable?) to identify emotions connected with events. She'll only ever admit to being happy--supposedly all the time--or sad when a sibling takes her toy. That's it.
No big break-throughs but I feel like little-by-little she's learning to reflect back and talk about her actions.
Also, yesterday, when we were talking about all her time outs on Monday she made a point of telling me the worst part of her birth home was always being alone. I think her mother's worst parenting mistakes were neglect in the form of inattentiveness and also in the form of allowing pretty much anyone to have access to her home in exchange for bringing drugs. I don't know which is worse--physical abuse or total neglect.
It reminded me of what I've been reading about trauma and that I probably need to do Time Ins rather than time outs. I had done that on Monday. I made her sit on a towel so she stayed within my sight in a designated spot while I got housework done. That was early in the day--when I still had patience.
To be honest, the thought of her being in my presence non-stop is absolutely exhausting. While I write this I have James and Kate downstairs watching cartoons while Jane is playing with toys in her room, which is a few feet from my room. I can hear her playing. Her door is open and she loves this special collection of toys I let her keep in there. She sounds happy. And I know that she isn't around Kate so I'm relatively assured that everyone is safe.
Manageable, but still exhausting in a never-let-down-your-guard kind of way.
I pulled it together long enough to get them to the park for a half hour this morning in hopes that that would help her behavior--I know she needs large motor/large joints engagement for her sensory seeking needs. But, nope, as soon as we got home, literally before I even got my coat off, she started in with the pestering behavior and then the sneaking around and lying. She's incredibly attuned to my health and mood. She knows when I'm less aware and an easier target.
First she took one of their toys and put it inside the dog crate knowing the dog would chew it up. This sent Kate into a panic and she was shrieking about the loss of her toy. Both girls accused the other of doing it. I asked them to sit in a separate room and think and tell me what happened. Jane adamantly lied so convincingly I'd started to believe her when James confirmed Kate's version. She's getting better and better about lying. She's learning to add details to make her lie seem more convincing.
What's weird is that she doesn't even seem to show any shame or remorse when she reverses herself and tells the truth. She just decides the jig is up, she's caught, and she tells the truth as smoothly as she was telling the lie. She has no concept of honor or giving your word or trustworthiness or whatever is age appropriate for a 4 yo. She only acts to avoid getting in trouble, or then to lessen her punishment by fessing up.
About an hour later she snuck into the kitchen and found some pita bread that she gave to Kate while she also ate some. It isn't really sneaking. I rarely say no (only if I'm about to put a meal on the table) and the kitchen is pretty much open for snacking any time. I'd rather they eat when they're hungry and avoid that becoming an issue. They know this--there are designated foods in kid-friendly containers. But I do want them to ask me to get a snack precisely to maintain openness and avoid the feeling of sneaking.
And, what really bothers me is Jane trying to mother Kate and be the one who feeds her. Mainly because Kate, at 2.5, shoves huge amounts of food into her mouth and then chokes. She needs to be watched all the time when she eats.
After both incidents I had good talks with Jane. We practiced telling the truth and replayed the whole scenario with putting the toy in the dog crate. We practiced having her say, out loud, "I'm mad at you!" instead of sneaking food (since she admitted she was planning to do it while in time out and angry about being there).
Then, at the end of lunch, Jane started talking. Out of the blue she said, "remember a long time ago when I used to sneak food." I asked questions and figured out that she was talking about when she first came to our house. I do remember that. I remember whole bags of apples with just one bite taken out of each one. She wanted to talk about doing it, and she wanted me to know that she has only done it here, never at her birth mother's house (both girls were seriously obese when they came so I think it's true that at least they were never hungry in their home; I think food was used as a way to shut them up and send them away).
So I tried to find the connection between what she was feeling when she first came and snuck food and what she's feeling now. She couldn't do it. She's extremely reluctant (unable?) to identify emotions connected with events. She'll only ever admit to being happy--supposedly all the time--or sad when a sibling takes her toy. That's it.
No big break-throughs but I feel like little-by-little she's learning to reflect back and talk about her actions.
Also, yesterday, when we were talking about all her time outs on Monday she made a point of telling me the worst part of her birth home was always being alone. I think her mother's worst parenting mistakes were neglect in the form of inattentiveness and also in the form of allowing pretty much anyone to have access to her home in exchange for bringing drugs. I don't know which is worse--physical abuse or total neglect.
It reminded me of what I've been reading about trauma and that I probably need to do Time Ins rather than time outs. I had done that on Monday. I made her sit on a towel so she stayed within my sight in a designated spot while I got housework done. That was early in the day--when I still had patience.
To be honest, the thought of her being in my presence non-stop is absolutely exhausting. While I write this I have James and Kate downstairs watching cartoons while Jane is playing with toys in her room, which is a few feet from my room. I can hear her playing. Her door is open and she loves this special collection of toys I let her keep in there. She sounds happy. And I know that she isn't around Kate so I'm relatively assured that everyone is safe.
Manageable, but still exhausting in a never-let-down-your-guard kind of way.
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