Tonight we had family dinner. All five kids, both adults, eating and talking. And it was good. Easy. Natural. Simple. Delicious. Enjoyable.
I've waited a year and a half to say that. I distinctly remember the first time we tried to have a family dinner. I don't remember any details about what or when other than the complete disaster unfolding around me. The girls bounced around like frenetic monkeys putting on the loudest show they could. They could not figure out why we were all gathered in one space so they compensated by attention-seeking. James was afraid of the chaos and hid under the table. The big boys grabbed their plates and went to eat in front of their screens. I lost my temper. Theo abandoned ship. I remember sitting there at the empty table that was a disaster zone of spilled drinks and splattered food and putting my head in my hands and crying. What had I done?
For a long time that night has been a symbol to me of the havoc I wreaked on our home by bringing in more children. I didn't know how I'd ever rebuild from there.
At some point--six or seven months ago maybe?--I bought a new, longer table and repurposed a bench from the living room. I swathed the bench in layers of water proof material and blankets and wedged it between the wall and the table so the three little kids literally could not fall off. (Jane still falls out of all chairs she's sitting in because she mindlessly wiggles and leans and contorts her body while she's thinking of something else.)
Then I placed Theo at one end of the table with me at the other and the two teenage boys across from the littles on their bench. I put Jane down by Theo's end because her open-mouthed chewing and endless petting of her food while eating it grosses me out. He's oblivious. And James does better by me because I can cajole him into eating whereas Theo gets too stern with him.
All these little things have worked. James is past the worst of his food resistance (most of his 3rd year and well into his 4th). He knows he has to take one bite of everything now. Tonight he was so cute. Sometimes after he's taken a few bites I'll ask if I can "share" his food and then I eat the remainder so it's not on his plate. So, tonight, he got halfway thru his cheese quesadilla and then sweetly offered the rest saying, "Mama, would you like a bite? I will share! Look, I can share with you, Mama!" Later I offered him some chicken and he thought about it for a moment and then said, "No sanks, chicken is not my favorite color."
I made quesadillas and chicken tacos tonight. I ran out to my greenhouse and snipped cilantro and basil and parsley and fresh lettuce to add to the salsa and greens. I used chive-infused vinegar and oil that I just made this year for the first time and it was lovely. (The vinegar turns a beautiful lavender color, just like the chive blossoms.) I had Jane clearing the table and then setting it. Gus came and helped chop vegetables and fruit for the little kids' plates.
Everyone was hungry because for once we're in enough of a routine that people believe dinner actually will be on the table on time so they aren't snacking 30 minutes before. Theo and I were in a good mood and we were teasing each other across the table which always delights the children. The three littles sat quietly except to ask for seconds (or thirds, fourths, and fifths in Jane's case). They understand how to exist in polite company now; how to add to a conversation and let others have a turn to talk.
When the meal was done Theo reminded the boys of tasks to do with the attic renovation. I excused Gus from helping clean up because his dad needed him. But, it was easy to load the dishes because Jane cleared the table for me and, besides, the kitchen was already clean since Gus and I really cleaned it earlier today. Both boys hopped up and headed to the attic with Theo. I started the dishwasher and wiped down countertops and left a clean kitchen behind me.
Now the littles are in bed. The guys are working. And I am happily taking stock of a good day.
I have to do this. I have to be thankful for, and carefully describe, the good times, too. We ARE becoming a family. It is, finally, becoming easy and natural and simple to exist all together and share our space. We can have a simple meal that I throw together with things from my garden. It doesn't get any more homey than this.
19 months after the girls arrived we've gone through all the stages to finally tip toe our way into...Easy. It feels lovely. I am very ready for a well-deserved rest.
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