Foster Further

 One more note about yesterday. I noticed that when the girls were acting up yesterday I truly was not angry. I felt back in my old EI teacher groove where I could calmly observe and reflect to a student but never feel personally involved in the drama. It felt so nice! The equilibriam I was famous for when teaching but that I've struggled to find in my own home.  Being away was so good for me. Thinking other thoughts; being competent around other smart people. Life affirming to me as a human, not just the mother-drone trapped in a small house doing small things repeatedly all day long.  I absolutely have to have professional level conversation and interactions to maintain my sanity. Essential.

 I spent 5 weeks away from home for grad school. I knew it would be tough on the girls. Tried to put as many supports in place as possible.  They fared better than I'd expected. No major issues while I was gone. We've been home for five days now and Day 4 stuff finally came out.  Jane had been baby talking for several days. Then, Kate started it, too. Talked with each girl separately last night. Jane was quite articulate and mature--explaining how peeing herself, anger at me (both sad-anger because I was gone and also anger at anticipating getting in trouble), and baby talking and then being naughty were all connected. She can't say why these peeing and baby talking are connected to strong emotions about me, but she does know that they are. She can't say which comes first or how one leads to another but, again, she connects them as one.  Doesn't take a Freudian to observe that very young girls, neglected by their birth mother, would revert to baby like behaviors whe...

 This morning I was preparing Jane for her day. Upbeat and warm, but factual. Running through my expectations for her (be kind to others, tell the truth, don't sneak) and the consequences (removal from play with others). It's a familiar routine and she participated in it easily. But at the end her face hardened and she was angry. I asked her to name her feelings. First she attempted to deflect, said she felt sad. I asked again. This time she looked me dead in the eye and said, "talking about the bad things makes me want to do them".  Well, at least she's honest. (which, truly, is huge) I asked her tell me more. She said that me telling her she can't lie makes her want to lie just to see if she can get away with it. (The honest truth is that when she said that it made me angry, just want to lock her in her room forever. I have to fight my impulse and not show any reaction that would feed into, and distract from, the goal. But it's hard for me to walk away f...

 This week Jane went through the whole cycle so clearly I was predicting each stage before it happened. this means a) we've gone through this too many times, but also, b) she went through it pretty rapidly. Maybe we could call it progress that she took 12 hrs instead of 5 days for each stage?  She'd been having a couple good weeks. Maybe 3-4 weeks of generally positive emotions and interactions. Talking normally (no baby talk or imitation). Playing normally (small spats all siblings have but nothing diabolical). One episode of peeing herself but it seemed related to a bladder infection flare up, not behavior. No major sneaking/lying events.  And, the biggest change was that she seemed genuinely happy. She is funny! (who knew?) Her sense of humor was coming out since all the kids are in the stage where they love to tell jokes but can't really do them. She was relaxed and enjoyable for weeks. No tension; all natural behaviors. Nothing simmering under the surface; truly comp...

 Last week the little sister, Kate, got in trouble for peeing herself and then lying about it. She's had a weak bladder her whole life and must be vigilant about going often or she has an accident. If she gets busy playing and nobody reminds her to go, it's inevitable.  I am annoyed at the hassle, but tolerant that it's a medical situation.  Then, tonight I realized Jane smelled like pee. There's no excuse. She can hold it for days if she wants to. She got in trouble (a cold shower to hose off her body). Then I realized her room stank and asked what was going on. She told me she'd been deliberately peeing herself each day for the last three days, "so that you'd smell it and think she did it and then she'd get in trouble."  She's a sociopath.  Who deliberately sits in their own pee for three days for the small thrill of getting their little sister yelled at?  Well, two can play at this manipulation fight. I called Kate into the room and then had...

 We got through Christmas. It was fine. Jane held it together better than I thought she would. We went to an AirBnB for four days between Christmas and New Year. That was my gift to the rest of the family instead of presents. I gave Theo a break from everything--he did no meals or childcare. It was good. He got to rest and I took the kids to have fun experiences.  Now we're back to normal. The normal that is now our family. Everyone seems happy; content.  But then, two days ago, there was this tiny interaction between Jane and I that illustrates, for me, how broken our relationship is.  She's been complaining that her room is too hot. First, we closed the heat vent to her room. Then, I gave her several blankets so she has options for how warm she wants her bed to be. She has many types of pajamas and she can choose whatever she wants to wear. Her room is frigid compared to the rest of the house. Still, she complains. I think at this point it's just a thing with her--...

 I've handed over Christmas to Theo this year. I simply don't want to do it. Any of it. The little I have done feels obligatory. I bought each kid an ornament to symbolize something important about their year--as I do every year--but that's it. I don't think there's any one reason I have absolutely zero Christmas spirit this year. But rather an accumulation of small things.  a) Jane's weirdness around holidays has made me dread Christmas since the drama filled week before her birthday last Sept.  b) The clutter in this house is getting too me. Too much time in a house filled with too many things--I want to throw it all away. The last thing I can stomach is adding more clutter to it. Last time I helped the kids clean their play room I was so angry about the chaos they created I told them I wasn't getting them a single toy for Christmas and I meant it.  c) The unfinished dining room projects make me, not quite angry, but annoyed and exasperated every single ti...

 I just installed a bell on her door. Loud and high and hung to be easily rung.  She told me that she regularly (2 out of 3 nights) sneaks out of her room to eavesdrop on us talking so she knows what's coming so she, "can plan to do naughty things". I am quoting her.  She's a sociopath. She is, right? What six yr old is so enthralled with being devious that they lay awake and plan for it? This is why I have no hope for a normal future.  Everything happened so clearly. Tues - visit with therapist; good. Wed-Sat - still good. Hugs and happiness all day long. Sunday - surprise call by Aunt I didn't have time to prep her for but that I naively thought might be okay since she was doing so well. Mon-Wed - baby talking; little lies; hyper vigilant and tense. I could feel the slow slide into abnormal starting. Wed night - sneaking out of her room; really defiant. Thur - lies and getting caught doing something naughty (she let the dog eat food that caused the dog to vomit,...

 Then there's the other side of Jane. The devious, sneaky, willfully naughty side. She isn't always the sad victim. Sometimes she's just plain naughty for absolutly no reason other than she wants to be. She hates being told. Makes her very angry to be told no over the tiniest thing. Last night she kept sneaking out of her room at bedtime. All day yesterday I knew she was lying about little things. Today more little lies and evasions.  I don't know what flips the switch and she decides to be naughty but it's clear to me now when she does. So, where does this go? How naughty will she choose to be before it's big enough I have to punish her? It's bizarrely weird this kind of pattern--knowing what's coming yet having to wait for it all to play out.

 We went to see our therapist a week ago today. I took Jane on the hour plus drive for an in person visit because I've realized that sometimes we're going to need that level of help. She likes going. It's an exhausting day for me. She has a cathartic experience and feels better afterwards.  After we got back I didn't want to lose the ground we'd made towards honesty and intimacy so I told her we'd chat for a bit in the evening every few days. Didn't want to promise to do it every night--bound to fail her and then that's a new problem.  We've had 3 chats over the past 7 days.  The first chat was really good. She told me every little thing and I could see that telling me about some things was definitely going to head off that little thing turning into a big thing down the road.  Then, on Sunday, her aunt called unexpectedly. She'd been doing so well and I didn't want to say no to the aunt so I let Jane talk to her. I could tell she was uncomfor...

 Eight days after the dentist cemented in a metal spacer that was meant to stay in until she was 12 or 13, Jane pulled it out. She confessed she'd been getting a fork whenever nobody was looking and trying to pry it out. I'd found her doing that 24 hrs after it was put in and she got in big, big trouble and I thought it was over. Nope. She was mad, she told me, that I told her it had to stay in. She cried, hard and genuine tears, about how much she hated the feel of this strange metal thing in her mouth. She said her tongue hurt all the time because she couldn't stop bumping her tongue against it (it ran all along the inside of her bottom teeth). All of these complaints are normal. Expected. If any of our other children would've had that apparatus in their mouth there would've been nonstop crying and tantruming. We would've been in hell addressing the issues nonstop for days. Not her. She never said a word. I truly believed everything was fine. She did not ask o...

  This morning Jane had her third dentist appt. They had to insert a spacer. It was painful. She's gone every 2 weeks for a total of 3 trips now. After the first two trips I could see she'd been crying (they don't allow parents back there) when she came out to me. I mentioned it and gave her a hug but she shrugged it off; wouldn't talk about being upset. On the car ride home she plays frenetically with the trinkets they give the kids, while baby-talking, till she breaks them. On the way home from today's visit I knew she had to be in pain since they'd told me she would be. I asked something along the lines of, "does it hurt?" and she denied it. So, I rephrased. "Jane, I noticed you are baby-talking. I wonder if you're doing that because you want comfort and attention from me after this scary thing just happened to you?" She said yes and started to cry! (to my surprise; it was a radical 180 switch in her behavior from loud/silly/play to re...

 It's been an awful weekend as a culmination of a terrible two weeks. Jane lost all her Halloween candy one week after Halloween for sneaking food. That seemed to have broken the good streak and sent her on an angry spiral.  She is starting to tell us more when we confront her about her behavior. More anger and grief about being adopted. Just admitting that is new--she'd always deny any feelings of loss when I brought it up before.  As I type this she's seated on the floor of my bedroom just out of sight (because I can't stand to have her staring at me) but still in the same room I'm in because she won't even stay in her room or the attic playroom when told to anymore. It used to be if I needed to isolate her I could trust her to stay. Now that's gone, too. This morning she snuck out of her room, got a cat, and then was physically abusing the cat. I happened to go in her room for some other reason and the cat made a beeline out, which clued me in.  I kinda l...

 It's been several weeks since The Big Consequence of losing a toy if Jane lies was enacted. After that first day when we took two trips she hadn't had another incident. It felt miraculous; and tentative.  But, also, it was wondrous to see her finally blooming. I feel like she's become happier by the day. Now that she herself has finally decided to live an honest and open life she's so much more affectionate and healthy in her interactions. No more always trying to monitor everything so she could gauge how to respond; always guarding her true feelings.  I also think she's become more resilient. If I do have to discipline her for something now it feels like she can bounce back and return to a calm, connected state quicker. I used to worry that one incident could send her reeling for days--and always with the looming fear that she'd do something harmful in retaliation. Now, if she forgets to put her shoes away I can tell her and it's no big deal.  So, after we...

 Jane has not told a lie (to my knowledge) since the day we drove to Goodwill twice to give away some of her toys. At least, I haven't directly asked anything of her and had her lie (I have no idea if she's told a lie of omission).  Tonight at bedtime we were talking. Earlier today her little sister got angry, instead of grateful, when Jane tried to tell her something. Jane's feelings were hurt because she loves to be an expert and boss Kate around. I asked her to wonder why Kate reacted that way.  That led to a conversation about the natural consequence of being someone your sister can't trust anymore. Jane has led Kate into punishment too many times for Kate to follow her any more. Jane finally really felt that pain. For years we've tried to tell her that being untrustworthy would only hurt her but somehow she never made the connection--until today. She cried and cried. It was all hitting her. She lies > Kate distrusts > Kate won't play with her > Jan...

 After two trips to Goodwill to give away her favorite toys the message might have sunk in that we will no longer tolerate any lying.  Today felt like tip-toeing around each other. I am extremely careful not to ask her any question I don't already know the answer to. I cannot let her get away with a lie. I also just don't want her to lie.  She seems equally wary of me. But also--a little happy. First thing this morning she said she wanted to have a good day (which is her code for I'm going to behave today).  About mid-morning I was mildly curious about why the cover I normally keep on their bench that they sit on when at the table was tucked oddly. I called all three kids over and, carefully not looking at her, I asked if anyone could, "tell me the story about this sheet" with a big smile on my face. Carefully conveying this was No Big Deal.  I was prepared to drop it if no one spoke up. No inquisition--not worth it.  But, to my surprise, she piped right up...

 This girl has taken me to a place I never thought I'd be. I'm now in danger of being covertly filmed and shamed on social media as the mean mom.  Twice today I drove Jane to Goodwill with a bag of beloved toys and forced her to say good-bye to the toys and then drop them off. Twice. In one day. I never dreamed I'd do anything like this as a parent. These actions seem desperate and short-sighted. They seem more cruel and damaging than a spanking. Yet, here we are.  For about the past six months I've done as our therapist suggested. He says she is acting from a place of deep shame due to the neglect in her early years. He says she is drawn to the naughty behavior because she cannot see herself as a good person. He says she is an empty pit that needs to be incessantly loved and filled again and again and again. That she'll never be able to do the right thing until she feels full of love and worthy.   I still kind of believe him. I mean, I don't disbelieve that she...

 It's been a rough week...month...year...I don't even know anymore. When did it start, and stop, being difficult? I can't define those moments anymore.  My life isn't like climbing a mountain and descending the other side and looking back and saying, well, phew, that's over. Nope. My life is like being a rock on the beach just within reach of the waves. Ebb and flow, ebb and flow. Storms and calm, little good things, little bad things. Relentless. Constant. Unceasing. Why do I say all that? To put today's conversation in context. Yes, it was a big revelation. But, really, not that big. Ebb and flow. After other big conversations like this I've felt close to her and hopeful about our future. I've made big statements that, "we're finally bonding now!!" No. No, we weren't. And we never will. She isn't ever really going to trust and love me. Not in the deep way that children and their mothers are inexplicably bonded. I'll be family ...

 Just for the record--yesterday when the eldest son packed up for college that triggered a reshuffling of all the kids' bedrooms. So, in one day I rounded up, washed, dried, folded, and organized every single piece of clothing for all 5 kids. Then, I emptied bedrooms, cleaned them, rearranged furniture, and put back every single piece of clothing.  Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't get more done. Then I remember that I have 5 kids and what the day to day reality of that entails.

 This week James had his birthday. He turned 6. Usually in the week before any kid's birthday I do a feel special things for them. For example, I might make their favorite breakfast one of the mornings. Or, if I need to run to the store anyway I'll take just that one kid and make it a 1:1 outing with me. When I do these small things I'll say, "this is your birthday week!" and that way it prolongs the celebration and makes the kid feel special for more than just one day.  For two years now Jane has struggled on Kate and James' birthdays. She doesn't appear jealous or angry on anyone else's birthdays--just those of the two little kids who are her playmates.  After reading a new book and having an in-person session with our therapist I've tried to be more intentional about naming her feelings, even the difficult ones that I'd like to avoid.  So, on the morning of his birthday I pulled her aside and brought up the topic. I told her that I knew she ...