I spent 5 weeks away from home for grad school. I knew it would be tough on the girls. Tried to put as many supports in place as possible.
They fared better than I'd expected. No major issues while I was gone. We've been home for five days now and Day 4 stuff finally came out.
Jane had been baby talking for several days. Then, Kate started it, too. Talked with each girl separately last night. Jane was quite articulate and mature--explaining how peeing herself, anger at me (both sad-anger because I was gone and also anger at anticipating getting in trouble), and baby talking and then being naughty were all connected. She can't say why these peeing and baby talking are connected to strong emotions about me, but she does know that they are. She can't say which comes first or how one leads to another but, again, she connects them as one.
Doesn't take a Freudian to observe that very young girls, neglected by their birth mother, would revert to baby like behaviors when they feel neglected again.
I don't understand it, but I know it's true. Kate says it happens when she's playing or watching a cartoon and she doesn't want to stop and go potty. I really don't know if it's about control or denial, but it is consistently what she does. Jane is more about anger--at least that's the word she uses. She says, "I had to pee but I was angry at you so I didn't and peed in my pants instead." She says she doesn't like the feeling that it's wet but, it's okay, it soon dries. This makes me think she really isn't peeing all that much because when a kid truly loses control of a full bladder and pees there's a tons of it.
After our big talk last night both girls cried and hugged me and were more genuine in their attitude toward me than they'd been since I left. In those first days they'd been fake/plastic/hyper happy around me. The one good thing about being in this state for so long is that I think I can guide them through this conversations more quickly and I know the importance of resolution. I've learned that we have to end in a positive, connected, comforted state because then I can talk about how much better it feels to tell me the truth the next time an issue comes up.
Jane has learned this. She can say stuff about it feeling better after she tells the truth and "you always love me" and phrases like that. Kate is now starting to learn that. This morning she seems sad in a bruised kind of way; after you've had a terrible interaction with someone and need time to heal. Yesterday was the first time I treated her (age 5 1/2) like a kid who was old enough to be accountable for covert actions like willfully peeing herself and hiding it.
She will probably need to refer to the whole ordeal--me being gone, her peeing, us talking--several more times over the next few days. These talks are always the most exhausting for me. I hate reliving them with the girls. It just reminds me how annoying all of this is and how much I want to be beyond these emotional crises.
Of course we'll never be beyond them. Maybe not ever. Which makes me feel exhausted, too.
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