Emotional Maintenance

 We went to see our therapist a week ago today. I took Jane on the hour plus drive for an in person visit because I've realized that sometimes we're going to need that level of help. She likes going. It's an exhausting day for me. She has a cathartic experience and feels better afterwards. 

After we got back I didn't want to lose the ground we'd made towards honesty and intimacy so I told her we'd chat for a bit in the evening every few days. Didn't want to promise to do it every night--bound to fail her and then that's a new problem. 

We've had 3 chats over the past 7 days. 

The first chat was really good. She told me every little thing and I could see that telling me about some things was definitely going to head off that little thing turning into a big thing down the road. 

Then, on Sunday, her aunt called unexpectedly. She'd been doing so well and I didn't want to say no to the aunt so I let Jane talk to her. I could tell she was uncomfortable. I stayed nearby and tried to help her with ideas of what to say. 

We had our second talk a day later. When I asked her how she felt she said fine so I knew she was lying. I got a bit out of her but not much. 

Today, two days later, our third talk. In the three days since Sunday she's reverted back to all her destructive and negative behaviors. 

1. baby talking nonstop

2. frenetic/hyper behavior

3. not asking for help--needing a bandaid but not telling anyone and also not getting it for herself

4. self-harm: picking at the skin on her hand while talking to me about difficult things

5. becoming easily angered by every little thing; looking to be the victim

And, of course, hiding ALL of this--except the baby talk and hyperactivity which, I've come to realize, are her cries for help. She's like the toddler having the temper tantrum on the floor while her neglectful mother passes out in the next room all over again.

So, she has big feelings she can't express. She hides them. She stews and stews. Eventually she's so mad and resentful and has all this rage inside that she lashes out and does something naughty. Then she gets in trouble and there's some kind of cathartic release but no resolution. Nothing changes. We just start over. 

This summarizes our experiences together over the past three years. She's never gotten better. She's just in between episodes. 

I hope that instigating these regular check ins will help. I don't want her to have to cry for help before getting it. I also don't want to wait to talk to her till after she's in trouble--which has been my own negative pattern.

I've thought of doing this for a long time but couldn't pull it off before. First, she's matured recently till she can see that lying and hiding only make her feel lonely. Until she came to that recognition I couldn't ever get a real conversation out of her. Second, I had to figure out that I have to name her feelings for her. She can't. She really can't. I hesitated before because it felt like leading her to what I wanted to hear. Now I see that she needs permission to say the words by me saying them first. Of course it's still tricky. I do worry about leading her. But, at least getting her to say something is better than leaving her isolated and silent and boiling under the surface like a volcano.

The other problem is that I'm not much good at maintenance. I wouldn't mind doing dishes if I didn't have to do them every day. It's the daily grind that gets to me. I don't want to promise her we'll talk every night when I know we won't. But I really do need to make this a priority. It's worth the effort.