Practice

 This morning I was preparing Jane for her day. Upbeat and warm, but factual. Running through my expectations for her (be kind to others, tell the truth, don't sneak) and the consequences (removal from play with others).

It's a familiar routine and she participated in it easily. But at the end her face hardened and she was angry. I asked her to name her feelings. First she attempted to deflect, said she felt sad. I asked again. This time she looked me dead in the eye and said, "talking about the bad things makes me want to do them". 

Well, at least she's honest. (which, truly, is huge)

I asked her tell me more. She said that me telling her she can't lie makes her want to lie just to see if she can get away with it. (The honest truth is that when she said that it made me angry, just want to lock her in her room forever. I have to fight my impulse and not show any reaction that would feed into, and distract from, the goal. But it's hard for me to walk away from that kind of interaction with any affection for her. I don't trust her and never will and it's hard to have a relationship with someone you don't trust.)

I reminded her about two lies she told me yesterday, and the consequences, and asked if she got away with lying yesterday. She said no. I asked her if she liked the consequences, she said no. 

This is the process--forcing her to logically talk through the results of her emotions. She's always going to feel this urge to be bad. From discussing her personality type and history with her therapist I truly believe she will always feel more like her identity is as a "bad" girl than a "good" girl. Nothing we can say will change that. She'll either decide that's her identity or not. 

So, since she'll always be attracted to the negative and self-sabotaging behaviors the only thing I can do is teach her how to think through the consequences. Teach her this so often it's like a well-worn groove in her brain that plays all by itself each time she considers any action. 

The other part of the retraining process is close supervision to keep her from doing the negative behaviors. We want good practices to become the norm of her life, not negative ones. I'm the guard rails of her life.