This week James had his birthday. He turned 6. Usually in the week before any kid's birthday I do a feel special things for them. For example, I might make their favorite breakfast one of the mornings. Or, if I need to run to the store anyway I'll take just that one kid and make it a 1:1 outing with me. When I do these small things I'll say, "this is your birthday week!" and that way it prolongs the celebration and makes the kid feel special for more than just one day.
For two years now Jane has struggled on Kate and James' birthdays. She doesn't appear jealous or angry on anyone else's birthdays--just those of the two little kids who are her playmates.
After reading a new book and having an in-person session with our therapist I've tried to be more intentional about naming her feelings, even the difficult ones that I'd like to avoid.
So, on the morning of his birthday I pulled her aside and brought up the topic. I told her that I knew she felt jealous when James got things so if I saw her becoming upset then I was going to send her for a time out before she did anything naughty. This is also a theme of the book--in the same way that parents of infants moderate how much socialization their baby has to experience, e.g. removing the baby for a nap when they get fussy during loud family gatherings, so we should remove kids whose past leads them to struggle during happy family events.
I explained it wasn't a punishment but it was to help her by giving her a break before she felt like doing something naughty. I also reminded her that she could use the break to write in her journal and then later she could share with me all the feelings she had. She likes her journal so she was intrigued, even though she didn't like the idea of having to leave a party.
She then opened up and voluntarily shared with me her feelings when James has a birthday. (I imagine she was already thinking about what she'd write in her journal.) She feels angry that she has to wait because her birthday is "last". (As a terrible fluke all family members have their birthdays in close proximity over a few months and hers is, indeed, at the end of the row.) I've explained how a year is a circle so there is no "first" and "last" but it just doesn't get through to her. She knows darn well that during the summer her birthday comes last after Seth and then Gus and then James!!
So, this time I tried a different tact. I said that yes, her birthday is "last" but that I didn't get to choose that. We celebrate birthdays on the day the kid was born so we couldn't celebrate her birthday on any other day.
Her face lit up and she was intensely curious. This was new information. She asked some clarifying questions and I came to realize that somehow, in her mind, I'd randomly chosen a day to celebrate each kid, called it a "birthday" as a label synonymous with "special day" and, because I don't like her I'd purposely put her last.
Why does she always think like this? It's like the conversation when I realized she thought she was the only person who'd ever experienced hunger.
Why does she always cast herself as a victim, even when it means imagining convoluted circumstances devoid of reality?
I mean, after talking to her I had a vague memory of when I came to understand that the word "birthday" meant "day of your birth" and I felt really silly that I hadn't understood that before. So maybe I was about 6 or 7 when I figured it out. Maybe it's rational that she's just now coming to understand why we celebrate her in a special way on that one day of the year.
Anyway, after that enlightening moment her whole mood changed. She was lighter and happier and had no troubles at all for the rest of the day. She cheerfully celebrated his birthday along with the family.
I will say this for her--she really does flip her attitude around once I figure out and clear up whatever misunderstanding is rolling around in her head. It's kind of amazing. She doesn't hold a grudge and hold onto an irrational belief once she understands its irrational. So, that truly is a sign that maybe, someday, she'll be on the other side of this trauma-based thinking.
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