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The Year Without Christmas

 I've handed over Christmas to Theo this year. I simply don't want to do it. Any of it. The little I have done feels obligatory. I bought each kid an ornament to symbolize something important about their year--as I do every year--but that's it.

I don't think there's any one reason I have absolutely zero Christmas spirit this year. But rather an accumulation of small things. 

a) Jane's weirdness around holidays has made me dread Christmas since the drama filled week before her birthday last Sept. 

b) The clutter in this house is getting too me. Too much time in a house filled with too many things--I want to throw it all away. The last thing I can stomach is adding more clutter to it. Last time I helped the kids clean their play room I was so angry about the chaos they created I told them I wasn't getting them a single toy for Christmas and I meant it. 

c) The unfinished dining room projects make me, not quite angry, but annoyed and exasperated every single time I walk through there. It should've been done by now. There is no excuse but laziness on Theo's part and I'm too frustrated about this long-simmering issue to feel light and joyful. 

And, finally, Christmas has become Theo's holiday.  He does an elaborate Advent with the kids. He is on a long fast and eagerly awaiting his giant Christmas feast. He does all the cooking now and there's little for me to do to prepare. 

And I'm stepping back from my role of always being the engine driving this family. Perhaps after 20 years of constantly planning, urging, and nagging I just don't want to anymore. If he's willing to make something happen then fine, please do. It's my turn to step back and be the uninvolved parent. It feels kind of nice, actually. 

I've proved for 20 years that our kids only need one parent doing the activities. Now it's his turn to be that parent.

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