Skip to main content

The Year Without Christmas

 I've handed over Christmas to Theo this year. I simply don't want to do it. Any of it. The little I have done feels obligatory. I bought each kid an ornament to symbolize something important about their year--as I do every year--but that's it.

I don't think there's any one reason I have absolutely zero Christmas spirit this year. But rather an accumulation of small things. 

a) Jane's weirdness around holidays has made me dread Christmas since the drama filled week before her birthday last Sept. 

b) The clutter in this house is getting too me. Too much time in a house filled with too many things--I want to throw it all away. The last thing I can stomach is adding more clutter to it. Last time I helped the kids clean their play room I was so angry about the chaos they created I told them I wasn't getting them a single toy for Christmas and I meant it. 

c) The unfinished dining room projects make me, not quite angry, but annoyed and exasperated every single time I walk through there. It should've been done by now. There is no excuse but laziness on Theo's part and I'm too frustrated about this long-simmering issue to feel light and joyful. 

And, finally, Christmas has become Theo's holiday.  He does an elaborate Advent with the kids. He is on a long fast and eagerly awaiting his giant Christmas feast. He does all the cooking now and there's little for me to do to prepare. 

And I'm stepping back from my role of always being the engine driving this family. Perhaps after 20 years of constantly planning, urging, and nagging I just don't want to anymore. If he's willing to make something happen then fine, please do. It's my turn to step back and be the uninvolved parent. It feels kind of nice, actually. 

I've proved for 20 years that our kids only need one parent doing the activities. Now it's his turn to be that parent.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Lied.

For the very first time I lied to a birth family member. I've been brutally honest even when it caused an uproar. I've been honest because I was personally committed to always telling the truth. Until now. Because this lie may actually be the best way to preserve Jane's relationship with her birth family. At our last video call with Grandma Jane seemed uninterested, unengaged, not showing any real emotion. I struggled to find things to prompt her to talk about. Over the next two weeks I waited and she never asked for another call. In the third week I casually brought up the topic and she did not really respond, certainly didn't ask for another call. Finally, yesterday I point blank asked if she wanted to do a video call and she said the word yes but her whole body language said no. It was clear that she was saying yes because she thought she was supposed to, not because she wanted to. So, I took her body language rather than her words and made the decision that we...
Post a Comment
Read more

So What About Mother's Day?

I was looking ahead on the calendar to our next visit and suddenly realized it fell during Mother's Day weekend. A flood of mixed emotions hit me immediately. Mother's Day is not a deeply important holiday to me. It's nice and all but I've never had super big emotions about it.  The girls can't know what it is yet and won't have any big feelings this year. But...years from now...will this be a uniquely difficult holiday?  So if no one cares right now can I just kinda slide this one under the rug and avoid all the drama? Please, please, please someone confirm this is a real option!?! Ugh, but what about the birth family. Is this a big deal for them? Are there major traditions? Will this be a minefield of potential hurt feelings? Is there a tactful way to call them up and say, so, on a scale of 1 to 10 how invested are you into making this a big rigamarole? While thinking this through I did some googling and found that the local zoo does a special Mother...
Post a Comment
Read more

Why This but Not That?

I've been thinking about how I react to everything the three toddlers do. After years as a special ed teacher and 16 years of parenting I feel like I'm pretty relaxed most of the time. I would generally describe my parenting style as: pick your battles and, really, are there that many battles worth fighting? But lately it seems like I'm having big reactions to some things that the three littles do. For example: they were all three playing in the front yard and Kate opened the gate and got out into the driveway, even though I'd made a big deal about only mama opening that gate. Walking outside and finding her outside the fence (the gate had swung shut behind her) was about the angriest I have been since the girls came. I went absolutely ballistic...to the extent that I won't even describe here what I did to teach her this was extremely dangerous behavior. We live in the country but our house is near a road that people go flying down because it's so quiet. No...
Post a Comment
Read more