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Dental Work, Babytalking, and Naming Emotions

 

This morning Jane had her third dentist appt. They had to insert a spacer. It was painful. She's gone every 2 weeks for a total of 3 trips now.

After the first two trips I could see she'd been crying (they don't allow parents back there) when she came out to me. I mentioned it and gave her a hug but she shrugged it off; wouldn't talk about being upset. On the car ride home she plays frenetically with the trinkets they give the kids, while baby-talking, till she breaks them.

On the way home from today's visit I knew she had to be in pain since they'd told me she would be. I asked something along the lines of, "does it hurt?" and she denied it.

So, I rephrased. "Jane, I noticed you are baby-talking. I wonder if you're doing that because you want comfort and attention from me after this scary thing just happened to you?"

She said yes and started to cry! (to my surprise; it was a radical 180 switch in her behavior from loud/silly/play to really sad sobbing) I asked if she wanted to tell me about what had happened. She talked the whole way home! (she's never given any details before)

The first thing she said was, "I wanted you! I called for Mama!" So I explained that parents aren't allowed back there. She hadn't known that. We went over this 3 times--it was an important detail and I reassured her I would've been there if I could've been both in the car and after we got out, while hugging her.

So, my lesson from this is that she almost can't identify her emotions until they are named for her. Like she needs permission by someone naming them first. Just asking, "are you scared?" will result in a no. But saying, "I would be scared if that happened to me," allows her to admit being scared.

I'm relieved to have figured this out because I've long thought the silly/loud/babyish behavior is just a cover for other emotions she can't let herself feel or express. But, I never understood before that I have to go first and name the feeling. That felt wrong to me--like I was leading her to make a false statement by telling her what I wanted to hear.

I guess I need to trust my instinct that I do know what she's feeling and if I can give her permission to name them that'll open the floodgates and let it all out.

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