The Condensed Cycle

 This week Jane went through the whole cycle so clearly I was predicting each stage before it happened. this means a) we've gone through this too many times, but also, b) she went through it pretty rapidly. Maybe we could call it progress that she took 12 hrs instead of 5 days for each stage? 

She'd been having a couple good weeks. Maybe 3-4 weeks of generally positive emotions and interactions. Talking normally (no baby talk or imitation). Playing normally (small spats all siblings have but nothing diabolical). One episode of peeing herself but it seemed related to a bladder infection flare up, not behavior. No major sneaking/lying events. 

And, the biggest change was that she seemed genuinely happy. She is funny! (who knew?) Her sense of humor was coming out since all the kids are in the stage where they love to tell jokes but can't really do them. She was relaxed and enjoyable for weeks. No tension; all natural behaviors. Nothing simmering under the surface; truly companionable family times. I had nothing to talk about at my therapist appt!

She also noticed how good everything was. She began talking about it--coming up to me, hugging me and saying, "I'm having a good day!" I was warm in response but tried not to be overly enthusiastic--didn't want to portray good days as the exception; wanted them to be seen as the norm. 

After a few weeks I began to wonder how long she could maintain this. I became a little more intentional about discussing her feelings and choices. Pointing out how much better it felt to be making good choices, how she liked feeling happy and getting hugs. Making a point to list all the good times we were having each day. I could see that our conversation was meaningful. She was thoughtful and invested, volunteering examples to consequences of her choices. She seemed tentatively proud of herself, but also hesitant.

A few days ago she fell apart. Not terribly, but just a general unraveling of her good spirits and good intentions. Less genuinely happy; more tense and guarded. First, baby-talking. Also, this weird, fake, oddly inflected speech. Like she's imitating the way an adult would read a picture book to a baby, "I see a BEAR! I see a BALL!" Substitute that speech pattern for everyday words. She sounds like someone doing a parody of an irritating preschool teacher. 

I immediately pointed it out to her but in a calm and curious way (per Daniel Hughes training). Hmm, I noticed you're speaking differently today and I remember that you talk like this when you are having feelings you don't like. Anything you want to talk about? 

Nope. Denial. Fakey-fake smiles and hyper bouncing behavior. (I hate that seeing her appear to be happy is actually a key sign she's unhappy.)

The next day, manipulation of her siblings. I overheard her telling James that Kate had stolen his toy then going downstairs and telling Kate that James had stolen the toy. Neither actually had the toy. She manufactured the whole drama. 

Called her on it and she confessed: I wanted the toy for myself. 

Oh the stupidity. Just play with the damn toy that nobody was actually playing with!

Pointed out again that she was leaving the good choices zone and beginning to make bad choices. Warm hugs and lots of sympathy and reminders of outcomes of choices. But she was all in at this point. Another telling behavior: she becomes hyper aware of our presence during this mood. She will intentionally stage a "nice" behavior and then look over at us, side-eyed, to make sure we see it. She'll bring a sibling a toy while saying loudly, "look, here's your favorite toy!" but positioning herself to look over the sibs shoulder at us. Everything is fake, even being nice. It's exhausting and tension-filling to experience living with someone who is doing that. It feels uber frustrating to want to yell: quit being nice!

The other thing she does is manipulate our sympathy. In the good weeks she'd just come up for a hug whenever she felt like it. Several times a day, genuine, happy, normal mother-child interaction. When she switches over to manipulation she'll do this super slow, tentative approach. She wants us to notice she's like a scared rabbit walking into the jaws of the wolf. She'll get right next to me and hover, silent, forcing me to acknowledge the whole drama she just created. Yesterday she plowed into me for a hug. Today she's cringing and begging. So ridiculous. Again, uber frustrating because it's counter-intutive to yell: I'm nice! Quit acting afraid! Since, yelling in frustration would seem to directly contradict my stated niceness!! 

Next day--more manipulation. She told James he wasn't a part of the family anymore. Deeply upset him. Crushed little boy; sobbing. 

I lowered the boom. A whole day of no unsupervised time with them. She had to be in a separate room during free play; couldn't go out with the nanny. Clear consequences: if you're going to hurt people then it's my job to protect them by removing you so you can't hurt them. 

Today--trying to bring her back. Starting the day positively. Lots of clear talk delivered in a warm, encouraging tone. By 11am she'd already upset Kate. They go outside to play and she does this passive-aggressive manipulation thing where she goes just barely out of sight and then pretends not to hear Kate calling and only comes wandering back once Kate is in tears. I have told Kate so many times to ignore this behavior and not feed into it. So, I let the whole thing play out 2-3 times, hoping Kate would wise up. Nope. After the 3rd episode of frantic wailing I went out, yelled at them both for being stupid (didn't say that but sure implied it) and brought them both inside with Jane sent to her room for the rest of the day.

Yesterday when we talked Jane clearly reflected on all this. She said she liked being good but then a few days ago she started to have the feelings of wanting to be naughty. She simply craves the sneaking and lying and manipulation. She knows it; she can feel it. I know it; I can see the tell-tale signs that it's coming. She phrases it as, "I thought about the bad times and then I wanted to switch over to the bad times." 

I'm checked out at this point. Jane can bring herself out of this whenever she wants and nothing I do will change that timeline. I need to remove my warmth and curiosity for awhile; it just feeds into the whole drama she's manufacturing. Isn't healthy for my state of mind with the rest of the family, either. 

She'll be in her room most of each day until we see some progress in her demeanor. It's very clear when she switches back. Her posture and tone and expressions are different. 

I hate to say it but, honestly, I feel she's bi-polar. The way her whole affect changes cannot be manufactured by a 6 yr old. I think something genuinely, chemically, changes within her. She's too young for medication and besides, she will have to learn to control her behaviors even if/when she's on medication so we have to go through this. The healthiest thing I can do is somewhat check out so as not to feed the beast until she's flipped back to her positive side. And, since she hates isolation relearning that being mean to others = loss of others is a strongly motivating experience for her to tangibly walk through.

I do sorta think we're making progress in that all of this is taking less time and less emotional energy from me. I also think it's a sign that she's deeply ill and probably will never have a normal adulthood.