Jane has not told a lie (to my knowledge) since the day we drove to Goodwill twice to give away some of her toys. At least, I haven't directly asked anything of her and had her lie (I have no idea if she's told a lie of omission).
Tonight at bedtime we were talking. Earlier today her little sister got angry, instead of grateful, when Jane tried to tell her something. Jane's feelings were hurt because she loves to be an expert and boss Kate around. I asked her to wonder why Kate reacted that way.
That led to a conversation about the natural consequence of being someone your sister can't trust anymore. Jane has led Kate into punishment too many times for Kate to follow her any more. Jane finally really felt that pain. For years we've tried to tell her that being untrustworthy would only hurt her but somehow she never made the connection--until today.
She cried and cried. It was all hitting her. She lies > Kate distrusts > Kate won't play with her > Jane is sad and lonely > all Jane's doing > I truly was trying to help her all along by telling her not to lie.
Of course the last part was important for me to send home. Does she finally believe that she's a little girl and I'm the adult and my guidance is to help her be happy and not sad? She said yes but her eyes said no. She was angry.
I confronted her (gently). I said, "you look like you still don't want me to be your mom and trust that when I discipline you it's to help you."
She actually admitted that yes, she was angry. (This is fairly new--she's always denied it before.)
Then, the surprise, her whole face crumpled and she began sobbing and she said, "I don't want you to leave me!"
Oh man. That's the root of it all. She can't let me be her mom; can't let me be in charge; because to trust me is to make herself vulnerable to loss when I reject her.
I hugged her and rocked her back and forth and whispered over and over that I am not like the other people who left her before and I will never leave her and I love her and will always take care of her and she'll always be my daughter...etc etc etc.
It was a good moment. Hopefully we're getting there. One of the building block moments that will add up to trust. Maybe. Over time. Eventually. Possibly.
My trust has been broken too many times for me to risk being vulnerable, either. I've let myself feel the big falling in love swoosh when you're holding a child and gazing in their eyes and loving them. Only to have her stomp all over that a few days later. We've done this so many times I can't even count. So she's going to have to go first. She's going to have to do the work of becoming vulnerable and honest and real with me. And then I'll join her there. Someday.
Comments
Post a Comment