Skip to main content

It's Still Working...

 Jane has not told a lie (to my knowledge) since the day we drove to Goodwill twice to give away some of her toys. At least, I haven't directly asked anything of her and had her lie (I have no idea if she's told a lie of omission). 

Tonight at bedtime we were talking. Earlier today her little sister got angry, instead of grateful, when Jane tried to tell her something. Jane's feelings were hurt because she loves to be an expert and boss Kate around. I asked her to wonder why Kate reacted that way. 

That led to a conversation about the natural consequence of being someone your sister can't trust anymore. Jane has led Kate into punishment too many times for Kate to follow her any more. Jane finally really felt that pain. For years we've tried to tell her that being untrustworthy would only hurt her but somehow she never made the connection--until today.

She cried and cried. It was all hitting her. She lies > Kate distrusts > Kate won't play with her > Jane is sad and lonely > all Jane's doing > I truly was trying to help her all along by telling her not to lie. 

Of course the last part was important for me to send home. Does she finally believe that she's a little girl and I'm the adult and my guidance is to help her be happy and not sad? She said yes but her eyes said no. She was angry. 

I confronted her (gently). I said, "you look like you still don't want me to be your mom and trust that when I discipline you it's to help you." 

She actually admitted that yes, she was angry. (This is fairly new--she's always denied it before.)

Then, the surprise, her whole face crumpled and she began sobbing and she said, "I don't want you to leave me!"

Oh man. That's the root of it all. She can't let me be her mom; can't let me be in charge; because to trust me is to make herself vulnerable to loss when I reject her. 

I hugged her and rocked her back and forth and whispered over and over that I am not like the other people who left her before and I will never leave her and I love her and will always take care of her and  she'll always be my daughter...etc etc etc. 

It was a good moment. Hopefully we're getting there. One of the building block moments that will add up to trust. Maybe. Over time. Eventually. Possibly.

My trust has been broken too many times for me to risk being vulnerable, either. I've let myself feel the big falling in love swoosh when you're holding a child and gazing in their eyes and loving them. Only to have her stomp all over that a few days later. We've done this so many times I can't even count. So she's going to have to go first. She's going to have to do the work of becoming vulnerable and honest and real with me. And then I'll join her there. Someday.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

What Chronic Lying Does to a Relationship

 We got through Christmas. It was fine. Jane held it together better than I thought she would. We went to an AirBnB for four days between Christmas and New Year. That was my gift to the rest of the family instead of presents. I gave Theo a break from everything--he did no meals or childcare. It was good. He got to rest and I took the kids to have fun experiences.  Now we're back to normal. The normal that is now our family. Everyone seems happy; content.  But then, two days ago, there was this tiny interaction between Jane and I that illustrates, for me, how broken our relationship is.  She's been complaining that her room is too hot. First, we closed the heat vent to her room. Then, I gave her several blankets so she has options for how warm she wants her bed to be. She has many types of pajamas and she can choose whatever she wants to wear. Her room is frigid compared to the rest of the house. Still, she complains. I think at this point it's just a thing with her--...

Family Visit Success!

Last weekend we did a family visit that was a return to how we'd first begun doing them. Theo and I drove the girls down and stayed and hung out with the family the whole time. The visit was just 1.5 hours long. Aunt made the lovely suggestion that good-byes would happen in the house and not at the car. She even coached grandma to do them quickly. So, we did a quick but sincere good-bye then left. No drama with grandma climbing over seats or Jane wailing from her car seat. And it all worked! Girls were cheerful and chatty on the way home! No nightmares for Jane that night! Kate was even okay--one day of extreme clinginess but then she returned to usual level of attachment-bonding cling! I'm so incredibly relieved! Because what would I have done if this hadn't worked?? I could not bear the thought of telling them we were stopping visits completely not least of all because I truly don't believe that would be the right path, long term. But now I don't have to f...

Why She Pees...

 Last week the little sister, Kate, got in trouble for peeing herself and then lying about it. She's had a weak bladder her whole life and must be vigilant about going often or she has an accident. If she gets busy playing and nobody reminds her to go, it's inevitable.  I am annoyed at the hassle, but tolerant that it's a medical situation.  Then, tonight I realized Jane smelled like pee. There's no excuse. She can hold it for days if she wants to. She got in trouble (a cold shower to hose off her body). Then I realized her room stank and asked what was going on. She told me she'd been deliberately peeing herself each day for the last three days, "so that you'd smell it and think she did it and then she'd get in trouble."  She's a sociopath.  Who deliberately sits in their own pee for three days for the small thrill of getting their little sister yelled at?  Well, two can play at this manipulation fight. I called Kate into the room and then had...