Skip to main content

It Worked?

 After two trips to Goodwill to give away her favorite toys the message might have sunk in that we will no longer tolerate any lying. 

Today felt like tip-toeing around each other. I am extremely careful not to ask her any question I don't already know the answer to. I cannot let her get away with a lie. I also just don't want her to lie. 

She seems equally wary of me. But also--a little happy. First thing this morning she said she wanted to have a good day (which is her code for I'm going to behave today). 

About mid-morning I was mildly curious about why the cover I normally keep on their bench that they sit on when at the table was tucked oddly. I called all three kids over and, carefully not looking at her, I asked if anyone could, "tell me the story about this sheet" with a big smile on my face. Carefully conveying this was No Big Deal. 

I was prepared to drop it if no one spoke up. No inquisition--not worth it. 

But, to my surprise, she piped right up and said she'd done that. She explained how she thought she was helping. I explained how the sheet actually needed to be placed to protect the bench from spills. Then, it was over. A normal conversation! No stupid lying!

Of course, I did then go a bit over the top in praising her for telling the truth. I kept pointing out how helpful it was that she could explain what she'd done so then I could show them all the right way to place the cover. Later, at dinner time I made a point of telling the story of how she told the truth to the whole family including daddy. She beamed and beamed. Then came out to the kitchen after dinner and gave me a big hug and smiled and said how much she liked telling the truth.

The only thing that was weird was that we had to make such a big deal about such a simple thing. Imagine a child acting like they'd be flogged for tucking in a sheet wrong, so then lying about it. Imagine how exhausting it would be to live with someone who lied about stupid stuff all day long so that you could never just show them how to tuck in the sheet without having to manage all the emotions first. 

So, one day of success. One day when she seems very aware of the benefits of telling the truth and is very happy with herself. Can she learn a new way to live? We'll see. 

At bedtime I went over our litany:

me: You are mine. You are my daughter and I expect you to tell the truth.

her: I am your daughter and I am going to tell the truth. 

I plan to do this with her at least once a day every day. Jane has no self identity. So, I'm going to intentionally and explicitly give her one. And that identity is of a truth-telling daughter in our home. 

So help me, God. 

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Lied.

For the very first time I lied to a birth family member. I've been brutally honest even when it caused an uproar. I've been honest because I was personally committed to always telling the truth. Until now. Because this lie may actually be the best way to preserve Jane's relationship with her birth family. At our last video call with Grandma Jane seemed uninterested, unengaged, not showing any real emotion. I struggled to find things to prompt her to talk about. Over the next two weeks I waited and she never asked for another call. In the third week I casually brought up the topic and she did not really respond, certainly didn't ask for another call. Finally, yesterday I point blank asked if she wanted to do a video call and she said the word yes but her whole body language said no. It was clear that she was saying yes because she thought she was supposed to, not because she wanted to. So, I took her body language rather than her words and made the decision that we...
Post a Comment
Read more

Nope, Just Halloween Hades

GRANDMA'S RESPONSE It was fine. Daytime trick or treating at the fairgrounds with Grandma was perfectly fine. She never even asked about school. She never asked about our next get together. In fact, she didn't do much except point out other fun costumes people were wearing.  Here's what I forgot: she's the most conflict averse person I've ever met. She doesn't want to talk about any unpleasant topics. She doesn't want to think about anything unhappy. She wants to live in a childish bubble of candy and cartoons. I don't think she even realizes that kids are old enough to be in Kindergarten. I don't think she even thinks about such things. In fact, she didn't truly talk to the kids that much. She was super happy they gave her hugs at the beginning. She liked the fun of the event and escorting kids was a great way to have fun.  Really, the kids are just props so she can feel like a fun grandma. She doesn't really want a relationship. She wants p...
Post a Comment
Read more

Separation for Me

 One more note about yesterday. I noticed that when the girls were acting up yesterday I truly was not angry. I felt back in my old EI teacher groove where I could calmly observe and reflect to a student but never feel personally involved in the drama. It felt so nice! The equilibriam I was famous for when teaching but that I've struggled to find in my own home.  Being away was so good for me. Thinking other thoughts; being competent around other smart people. Life affirming to me as a human, not just the mother-drone trapped in a small house doing small things repeatedly all day long.  I absolutely have to have professional level conversation and interactions to maintain my sanity. Essential.
Post a Comment
Read more