Skip to main content

It Worked?

 After two trips to Goodwill to give away her favorite toys the message might have sunk in that we will no longer tolerate any lying. 

Today felt like tip-toeing around each other. I am extremely careful not to ask her any question I don't already know the answer to. I cannot let her get away with a lie. I also just don't want her to lie. 

She seems equally wary of me. But also--a little happy. First thing this morning she said she wanted to have a good day (which is her code for I'm going to behave today). 

About mid-morning I was mildly curious about why the cover I normally keep on their bench that they sit on when at the table was tucked oddly. I called all three kids over and, carefully not looking at her, I asked if anyone could, "tell me the story about this sheet" with a big smile on my face. Carefully conveying this was No Big Deal. 

I was prepared to drop it if no one spoke up. No inquisition--not worth it. 

But, to my surprise, she piped right up and said she'd done that. She explained how she thought she was helping. I explained how the sheet actually needed to be placed to protect the bench from spills. Then, it was over. A normal conversation! No stupid lying!

Of course, I did then go a bit over the top in praising her for telling the truth. I kept pointing out how helpful it was that she could explain what she'd done so then I could show them all the right way to place the cover. Later, at dinner time I made a point of telling the story of how she told the truth to the whole family including daddy. She beamed and beamed. Then came out to the kitchen after dinner and gave me a big hug and smiled and said how much she liked telling the truth.

The only thing that was weird was that we had to make such a big deal about such a simple thing. Imagine a child acting like they'd be flogged for tucking in a sheet wrong, so then lying about it. Imagine how exhausting it would be to live with someone who lied about stupid stuff all day long so that you could never just show them how to tuck in the sheet without having to manage all the emotions first. 

So, one day of success. One day when she seems very aware of the benefits of telling the truth and is very happy with herself. Can she learn a new way to live? We'll see. 

At bedtime I went over our litany:

me: You are mine. You are my daughter and I expect you to tell the truth.

her: I am your daughter and I am going to tell the truth. 

I plan to do this with her at least once a day every day. Jane has no self identity. So, I'm going to intentionally and explicitly give her one. And that identity is of a truth-telling daughter in our home. 

So help me, God. 

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Lied.

For the very first time I lied to a birth family member. I've been brutally honest even when it caused an uproar. I've been honest because I was personally committed to always telling the truth. Until now. Because this lie may actually be the best way to preserve Jane's relationship with her birth family. At our last video call with Grandma Jane seemed uninterested, unengaged, not showing any real emotion. I struggled to find things to prompt her to talk about. Over the next two weeks I waited and she never asked for another call. In the third week I casually brought up the topic and she did not really respond, certainly didn't ask for another call. Finally, yesterday I point blank asked if she wanted to do a video call and she said the word yes but her whole body language said no. It was clear that she was saying yes because she thought she was supposed to, not because she wanted to. So, I took her body language rather than her words and made the decision that we...
Post a Comment
Read more

Flash Fiction - Guilt Free

And this one I wrote for the fun of it. It was delicious to wallow in such a world of self-indulgence I'll never know. This is flash fiction (less than 1,000 words). Guilt Free It was fudge sauce, thick and cold from the back of the fridge, dipped in gourmet raspberry jam—the kind from France with the understated label—straight onto a spoon and then suckled in my mouth, a frosty mug of milk tremoring faintly in my left hand, to be gulped in indelicate swaths allowing a dribble or two down my front, the first time I hit her. Not really hit. Shoved. A forceful push. A push that began with contact. The contact of my hand wedging so neatly between her small sharp shoulder blades, wedging in so that I almost could not retract myself from the catapulting force launching her into the tub. Not a hit—there was no smacking, cracking, sharp stinging rebound. No bruise. She’d laughed. She’d thought it was a game. Like when I clapped my hands together as she went up the stairs, cla...
Post a Comment
Read more

So What About Mother's Day?

I was looking ahead on the calendar to our next visit and suddenly realized it fell during Mother's Day weekend. A flood of mixed emotions hit me immediately. Mother's Day is not a deeply important holiday to me. It's nice and all but I've never had super big emotions about it.  The girls can't know what it is yet and won't have any big feelings this year. But...years from now...will this be a uniquely difficult holiday?  So if no one cares right now can I just kinda slide this one under the rug and avoid all the drama? Please, please, please someone confirm this is a real option!?! Ugh, but what about the birth family. Is this a big deal for them? Are there major traditions? Will this be a minefield of potential hurt feelings? Is there a tactful way to call them up and say, so, on a scale of 1 to 10 how invested are you into making this a big rigamarole? While thinking this through I did some googling and found that the local zoo does a special Mother...
Post a Comment
Read more