Foster Further

Both Jane and Kate began peeing their pants 2-3 times a day this week. So I put on my detective hat and try to figure out why. a) Both girls have done this in the past and have seen their pediatrician repeatedly and had tests done to check for UTIs. All tests and exams come back negative. The doc recommended I give them a cranberry supplement during flare ups just to be sure...which I do. The girls now get a supplement once a day along with their regular vitamin every day. b) We saw Grandma Jackie last week. Causal relationship? c) If one girl does it and gets attention--even though it's negative attention--does the other girl then do it in order to get attention also? d) No cause. They're just doing weird things cuz little kids go through stages and do weird things. I began issuing a consequence last week and have applied it without exception every time either one pees, or just for fun, also poops, her pants. Instead of doing it every day both girls have lessened their inciden...

As we head into a school year filled with unknowns, I am aware of my own reactions and emotions in a weirdly heightened way. I feel like I keep having these internal dialogues in which I wrestle with my own thoughts. "I'm mad!" I think about something related to the pandemic. And then, my next thought, "But, geez, it's not like we're at war and my house is being bombed and my sons are being drafted. Get a grip. So your 4 yr old can't take a dance class--check your privilege, lady." I'm having some version of that conversation all day long. I'm annoyed and frustrated and fatigued by yet another denied desire. And then ashamed and dismissive...and fatigued...by my own emotional roller coaster. I very literally have every single resource I need to weather a schooling-at-home school year. I am, literally, a K-12 certified special education teacher with endorsements in learning disabilities and emotional impairments. My last job was teaching a cla...

Jane is stuck in the tongue-thrust stage of development. It took me over a year but I finally figured it out. You know that stage in an infant's development when you first start feeding them solid foods? They're about 4 months old and so tiny you have to strap them in tight in the high chair so they don't flop over and bang their head on the tray. You've just bought new baby feeding spoons and someone has a camera ready as you open the baby food jar. You make faces at your baby and they are delighted and laugh their toothless grin back at you. Right when their mouth is open you slip that first spoonful in and immediately, reflexively, they thrust it right back out with an emphatic tongue thrust as their expression turns from confusion to horror. We capture the moment on camera and put it into their baby books and laugh about it later. That reflexive tongue thrust pushing the food back out of the mouth is so cute at 4 months old. It's positively gross at 4 years old....

I'm talking to Theo about something serious when one of the little three kids comes up and says, "Mama, I found an eyeball." Didn't even look at them, just held out my hand and something hard and round dropped into it. Put it in my pocket and continued the conversation. Later I took the item out and it was a marble as, I think, I'd probably expected vaguely in the back of my mind since they've been playing with marbles lately. But then I had to think: how far gone into the world of parenting and farming have I gone that a kid saying, "I found an eyeball" prompted me to hold out my hand without a glance? I mean, the other day I'm feeding the cats when Gus warns me, "Don't step backwards or you'll step on a bird leg." Sure enough, the cats had left behind a little gift from their last hunting excursion. Didn't bother me. Totally forgot to clean it up. Later it was gone and I don't know where it went. Nor do I care. Sometim...

Jane and I talked during her bath and just had a first-ever conversation. It was more insightful and mature and real and transparent and genuine than any conversation I think we've ever had. I am truly bowled over. Because what she told me was absolutely not what I expected her to say. Background 1: Jane is 4 and hyper-vigilant and eager-to-please. She watches me closely and will say absolutely anything if she believes it's what I want to hear. It makes it really hard for me to have genuine conversations with her. I've worked hard to train myself to keep a neutral tone and use open-ended questions and speak slowly with no hint at what I want to find out. Background 2: Jane has no concept of time. She uses terms like day, week, month, year, tomorrow, yesterday all interchangeably with little concept of their meanings. For example, she'll say, "I missed that tomorrow but now I'll get to do it yesterday." Or, "a few weeks ago when I was a baby..." N...

We saw Grandma J, the girls' paternal grandmother, today for the first time in 4-5 months. We met at a park we've met at before. The weather was first muggy and then it rained so, thankfully, the park was nearly empty. I had masks on the kids when we got out of the car and told them we'd wear masks while saying hello and hugging but then they could take them off to play. Of course within a few minutes of taking masks off they were still right next to her as she pushed them on the swings, etc. So, really, the masks were useless. My three are very obedient and used to mask wearing but I'd challenge anyone to keep face masks on three little kids on a playground (which makes me wonder about next school year...but that's another topic altogether.) I didn't tell the kids they were going to see her until we were in the car. I've decided I'll always give the girls some prep but less than 24 hours so they don't obsess over a visit beforehand but also so they ...

Jane has a speaking style that is radically different than mine. I am direct; she is indirect. Examples: this morning I told the kids we were going to the beach of a small inland lake about 5 minutes from our house. We went there myriad times last summer so she knows we swim there. We were just at the family cottage last week where she swam every day, twice a day, with me never once telling her she couldn't go swimming. I was putting the kids into their swimsuits as I told them we were going to the beach. In my mind, all of these factors indicate the kids would be swimming. Yet, just before we left, Jane said wistfully, sadly, longingly: "I wish I could go in the water." Uhm? What?!? Why is this girl already complaining about not getting something she IS definitely going to get? In about five short minutes? It feels passive-aggressive and avoidant and anxious and manipulative and negative attention-seeking to me. I would prefer she just straight up ask, "Are we goi...

Jane has lived here for 19 months. Just over a year and a half. She came at 3 yrs, 2 months. She is now 4 years 10 months. Soon she will celebrate her second birthday since coming here. I've bought all the clothes and shoes and coats and toys she owns. I decorated her bedroom. I choose what she eats and when. I give her baths and wash her hair and sometimes assist her in the bathroom. I can tell you the exact shape of her toes and how their shape differs from mine. I can predict how she'll react to most situations. She doesn't like ketchup or baked beans. When she is most anxious she needs the super bright night light. I know she's in a good place when she asks for the smaller night light. She picks on the cat when she's mad at me. Jane and I have spent enough time together and know enough about each other (I bet she knows all the same details about my likes and dislikes) to be bonded by now. But I don't think we are. And I don't know that we will ever be. T...

We were on vacation at the beach for a week. All the kids love this spot and the three littles played nonstop in the water and sand. Jane was swimming without her floatie by the second day. She went to the beach twice each day--morning and evening--and had to be lured out of the water during the heat of the day with promises of food and cartoons. The big boys love that she's fearless and were helping her jump waves and even tossing her about in the water. It was the most fun I've seen them have with her. By the sixth day she was exhausted. Sleeping 12-14 hours each night. She even told me she wanted to go home. Honestly, I could relate...that much fun IS exhausting. We get home and everyone takes a day or two to recover. Pretty much just laundry and laying around. By day 3 post-vacation everyone else is back to normal. Not Jane. Today is Day 4 and she's still all out of sorts. Yesterday she was non-stop naughty in that passive-aggressive, under-the-radar way she has. She ha...

These two disorders together look like a girl wearing pants, a long-sleeved shirt, and a winter coat with the hood up, standing outside in the sun in 80 degree heat. This is what I saw yesterday while outside watering my garden. It's about 11am and I'm in shorts and a tank top and a huge sun hat, sweating away under the hot sun, wishing I could be in the shade. I look up and here comes Jane dressed for winter. This is at least the fifth time this summer she's come outside dressed like this. Why? Because she can't find her sun hat. I have an inviolate rule that the children must wear sandals and a sun hat when playing outside. No more splinters and sun burns since the rule went into effect!! Once Kate, age 3, couldn't find her sun hat so she scrounged around among the winter things and found a knit cap and was running around in that. I explained the purpose of the sun hat and Kate now wears the right hat every time. Jane is a year and a half older than Kate but she c...