As we head into a school year filled with unknowns, I am aware of my own reactions and emotions in a weirdly heightened way. I feel like I keep having these internal dialogues in which I wrestle with my own thoughts.
"I'm mad!" I think about something related to the pandemic. And then, my next thought, "But, geez, it's not like we're at war and my house is being bombed and my sons are being drafted. Get a grip. So your 4 yr old can't take a dance class--check your privilege, lady."
I'm having some version of that conversation all day long. I'm annoyed and frustrated and fatigued by yet another denied desire. And then ashamed and dismissive...and fatigued...by my own emotional roller coaster.
I very literally have every single resource I need to weather a schooling-at-home school year. I am, literally, a K-12 certified special education teacher with endorsements in learning disabilities and emotional impairments. My last job was teaching a classroom for cognitively, physically, and emotionally impaired kids in preschool thru 1st grade. I have four gigantic tubs of curriculum sitting in my garage as well as a household full of teaching toys. I could meet every one of their needs without seeking one additional resource.
And, as an employed online teacher I understand online learning frameworks and I'm capable of helping my 9th grader do his work from home. Not to mention my IT husband who can solve all our network and computing issues. We are perfectly and uniquely suited to handle all of our kids' learning.
But I don't want to.
I just don't want to teach them at home. I don't want to plan and think and prepare yet another intensive two hours out of the already-intensive-enough 12 hrs per day I spend meeting their every need. I don't want to monitor my 14-yr-old's bullshit and excuses and attitude. I don't want to be nonstop mom and teacher all day long, every day, without a moment's break. I just don't wanna.
And if I, who is qualified and has the resources, don't want to do this, what level of dread are other parents experiencing right now?
I especially dread any of the neighbors asking me to teach a "pandemic pod". Good lord, please do not make me take on your kids, too. I don't want to have to be professional and upbeat and productive for my neighbors. Especially when those kids are brats.
I mean, I'd happily do this if the kids weren't spoiled and difficult and I thought I'd get actual help from an equally capable fellow mom in return. But that's just not who those moms are.
Plus, lets remember I actually do have a full time teaching job that starts back up in the fall. I don't want to juggle online teaching, at home teaching, and parenting. The thought makes me want to sob with fatigue.
But I'm gonna have to.
That's what's looming on the horizon, isn't it? Because we didn't get this pandemic under control now everyone is facing an emotionally exhausting school year.
I keep thinking that this pandemic, and the resulting shut downs/quarantines, is highlighting precisely the areas of weakness and excess in American culture.
-We haven't valued public school teachers...so now you whiny parents have to do their job. No more scapegoats; turns out your kid really was the problem all along.
-We haven't invested in a robust health care system...so now our entire economy shuts down because we don't have a system of preventative care.
-We haven't taught and practiced civic duty...so now the FreeDumb anti-maskers are extending the pandemic.
-We elected a man who makes a mockery of Christian values...so now the churches that taught this bastardization of religious belief weirdly intertwined with false patriotism are shut down.
-We've created a culture that expects nonstop activity and children enrolled in every sport, music, and art enrichment possible so families spend no time together...so now it's all gone and families are forced together nonstop. We even have to cook and eat together because we can't go out to restaurants!
I really don't believe in a vindictive God sending plagues on the land to correct a wayward people...but if I did, wow, pretty spot on, eh?
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