Skip to main content

I Don't Know Who is Right

Jane has a speaking style that is radically different than mine. I am direct; she is indirect.

Examples: this morning I told the kids we were going to the beach of a small inland lake about 5 minutes from our house. We went there myriad times last summer so she knows we swim there. We were just at the family cottage last week where she swam every day, twice a day, with me never once telling her she couldn't go swimming. I was putting the kids into their swimsuits as I told them we were going to the beach.

In my mind, all of these factors indicate the kids would be swimming. Yet, just before we left, Jane said wistfully, sadly, longingly: "I wish I could go in the water."

Uhm? What?!?

Why is this girl already complaining about not getting something she IS definitely going to get? In about five short minutes?

It feels passive-aggressive and avoidant and anxious and manipulative and negative attention-seeking to me. I would prefer she just straight up ask, "Are we going to swim?"

Listening to her speak like this sets my teeth on edge. But perhaps I am wrong. She is excited about swimming; she is feeling anticipation and longing. So this wistful tone is an accurate reflection of her emotions, right? And I need to quit being such a hard-ass about a tiny thing, right?

Just now she came in my room and said, "I wonder where Kate is." Again, I'm slightly annoyed. I want her to plainly ask, "Where is Kate?"

But, as I write this and think about why I'm annoyed I realize it's not about what she says; it's really about how she says it. I also want her to come right up to me and speak directly to me. In both instances she went to the other side of the room, turned half-way away from me, and appeared to be speaking to the wall. This level of avoidance and anxiety (and manipulation?) just feels silly to me. Good God, I am your mother and you've lived here for a year and a half. You seriously can't just walk up to me and ask a question?

I mean, if she was confessing she broke something, or asking me for something she probably wasn't going to get...I'd understand the anxiety. But in the situation where I'm putting swimsuits on the kids, does she really need to wander over and sadly address the wall with her longing to go swim? When asking where her sister is, something the kids ask me all day long because I, as mother, own a the magic crystal ball that shows where every person and missing shoe is located, does she need to stand far away and then just happen to speak her wondering aloud within my hearing?

How much emotional energy is this girl expending on manipulating our interactions to this degree? My other four kids all bound up to me like puppies, bounce off my shoulder, and then shout their question. (Okay, I'm exaggerating, but you get nonstop questions from five kids and a husband all day long and it does feel like a barrage. Which, actually, I'm fine with and feel is easier to communicate with than Little Miss Manipulator.)

But, seriously, maybe she's fine and I'm being overly-sensitive. This non-direct style of speaking could be very useful someday if she has a career managing people. She could be someone's favorite boss someday!

And so, as always, the perennial question with Jane: strength or weakness? Am I being a hard-ass ridiculously wanting everything my own way...or am I identifying a problem that should be fixed? Is different really wrong? Are her differences signs that she's following the unhealthy patterns of her birth family and I'm obligated to correct her so she leads a better life someday? Or, should I just leave the poor girl be and quit trying to remake the child in my own image?

I just don't know.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

I Lied.

For the very first time I lied to a birth family member. I've been brutally honest even when it caused an uproar. I've been honest because I was personally committed to always telling the truth. Until now. Because this lie may actually be the best way to preserve Jane's relationship with her birth family. At our last video call with Grandma Jane seemed uninterested, unengaged, not showing any real emotion. I struggled to find things to prompt her to talk about. Over the next two weeks I waited and she never asked for another call. In the third week I casually brought up the topic and she did not really respond, certainly didn't ask for another call. Finally, yesterday I point blank asked if she wanted to do a video call and she said the word yes but her whole body language said no. It was clear that she was saying yes because she thought she was supposed to, not because she wanted to. So, I took her body language rather than her words and made the decision that we...

Why She Pees...

 Last week the little sister, Kate, got in trouble for peeing herself and then lying about it. She's had a weak bladder her whole life and must be vigilant about going often or she has an accident. If she gets busy playing and nobody reminds her to go, it's inevitable.  I am annoyed at the hassle, but tolerant that it's a medical situation.  Then, tonight I realized Jane smelled like pee. There's no excuse. She can hold it for days if she wants to. She got in trouble (a cold shower to hose off her body). Then I realized her room stank and asked what was going on. She told me she'd been deliberately peeing herself each day for the last three days, "so that you'd smell it and think she did it and then she'd get in trouble."  She's a sociopath.  Who deliberately sits in their own pee for three days for the small thrill of getting their little sister yelled at?  Well, two can play at this manipulation fight. I called Kate into the room and then had...

Nope, Just Halloween Hades

GRANDMA'S RESPONSE It was fine. Daytime trick or treating at the fairgrounds with Grandma was perfectly fine. She never even asked about school. She never asked about our next get together. In fact, she didn't do much except point out other fun costumes people were wearing.  Here's what I forgot: she's the most conflict averse person I've ever met. She doesn't want to talk about any unpleasant topics. She doesn't want to think about anything unhappy. She wants to live in a childish bubble of candy and cartoons. I don't think she even realizes that kids are old enough to be in Kindergarten. I don't think she even thinks about such things. In fact, she didn't truly talk to the kids that much. She was super happy they gave her hugs at the beginning. She liked the fun of the event and escorting kids was a great way to have fun.  Really, the kids are just props so she can feel like a fun grandma. She doesn't really want a relationship. She wants p...