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I Don't Know Who is Right

Jane has a speaking style that is radically different than mine. I am direct; she is indirect.

Examples: this morning I told the kids we were going to the beach of a small inland lake about 5 minutes from our house. We went there myriad times last summer so she knows we swim there. We were just at the family cottage last week where she swam every day, twice a day, with me never once telling her she couldn't go swimming. I was putting the kids into their swimsuits as I told them we were going to the beach.

In my mind, all of these factors indicate the kids would be swimming. Yet, just before we left, Jane said wistfully, sadly, longingly: "I wish I could go in the water."

Uhm? What?!?

Why is this girl already complaining about not getting something she IS definitely going to get? In about five short minutes?

It feels passive-aggressive and avoidant and anxious and manipulative and negative attention-seeking to me. I would prefer she just straight up ask, "Are we going to swim?"

Listening to her speak like this sets my teeth on edge. But perhaps I am wrong. She is excited about swimming; she is feeling anticipation and longing. So this wistful tone is an accurate reflection of her emotions, right? And I need to quit being such a hard-ass about a tiny thing, right?

Just now she came in my room and said, "I wonder where Kate is." Again, I'm slightly annoyed. I want her to plainly ask, "Where is Kate?"

But, as I write this and think about why I'm annoyed I realize it's not about what she says; it's really about how she says it. I also want her to come right up to me and speak directly to me. In both instances she went to the other side of the room, turned half-way away from me, and appeared to be speaking to the wall. This level of avoidance and anxiety (and manipulation?) just feels silly to me. Good God, I am your mother and you've lived here for a year and a half. You seriously can't just walk up to me and ask a question?

I mean, if she was confessing she broke something, or asking me for something she probably wasn't going to get...I'd understand the anxiety. But in the situation where I'm putting swimsuits on the kids, does she really need to wander over and sadly address the wall with her longing to go swim? When asking where her sister is, something the kids ask me all day long because I, as mother, own a the magic crystal ball that shows where every person and missing shoe is located, does she need to stand far away and then just happen to speak her wondering aloud within my hearing?

How much emotional energy is this girl expending on manipulating our interactions to this degree? My other four kids all bound up to me like puppies, bounce off my shoulder, and then shout their question. (Okay, I'm exaggerating, but you get nonstop questions from five kids and a husband all day long and it does feel like a barrage. Which, actually, I'm fine with and feel is easier to communicate with than Little Miss Manipulator.)

But, seriously, maybe she's fine and I'm being overly-sensitive. This non-direct style of speaking could be very useful someday if she has a career managing people. She could be someone's favorite boss someday!

And so, as always, the perennial question with Jane: strength or weakness? Am I being a hard-ass ridiculously wanting everything my own way...or am I identifying a problem that should be fixed? Is different really wrong? Are her differences signs that she's following the unhealthy patterns of her birth family and I'm obligated to correct her so she leads a better life someday? Or, should I just leave the poor girl be and quit trying to remake the child in my own image?

I just don't know.
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