Birth Family Visit

We saw Grandma J, the girls' paternal grandmother, today for the first time in 4-5 months. We met at a park we've met at before. The weather was first muggy and then it rained so, thankfully, the park was nearly empty.

I had masks on the kids when we got out of the car and told them we'd wear masks while saying hello and hugging but then they could take them off to play. Of course within a few minutes of taking masks off they were still right next to her as she pushed them on the swings, etc. So, really, the masks were useless. My three are very obedient and used to mask wearing but I'd challenge anyone to keep face masks on three little kids on a playground (which makes me wonder about next school year...but that's another topic altogether.)

I didn't tell the kids they were going to see her until we were in the car. I've decided I'll always give the girls some prep but less than 24 hours so they don't obsess over a visit beforehand but also so they don't think she'll pop up at any odd moment with no warning whatsoever.

Jane was super excited and cheering happily when I made the announcement. Kate was ambivalent. No reaction whatsoever. I don't think she has any connection with Grandma J at all, to tell the truth.

Grandma J was very teary eyed when we arrived but she held it together. She just seemed sad and depressed. This isolation has been hard on everyone but I imagine even harder on someone who derives their meaning and identity from others. I felt compassionate towards her but, honestly, just unable to take on her emotional burden as well. I am stretched to my limit meeting the needs of my 5 kids and husband. I can't prop her up, as well.

I'm sad to be at this place. I wish we were in more of a reciprocal relationship. I wish we could mutually support each other the way my mom and I do. But mid-way through our visit I actually began to wonder if she was on something. Speed or an upper or some sort of pharmaceutical crutch. Her mind was utterly disorganized. She couldn't finish a sentence or track with what I was saying. I'd try to share some cute little story about the girls and she couldn't even follow that. Interrupting mid-way through with a different story of her own. It was weird. And a reminder that she is consumed with her life and really unable to enter into ours.

At one point she was talking about missing the girls and I, trying to be nice. said that they missed her. She responded with something acknowledging that she misses them, and needs them, far more than they miss or need her. I just didn't know what to say to that. It's true. But sad.

I was watching Jane pretty closely throughout. Some signs were good. She did NOT go into serious misbehavior and brattiness like we used to see when around Jackie. She did a little bit of baby talk but stopped when prompted. She didn't act frantic or hyper or disregulated. (Then again, we're at a playground so the norm is to run around. But, on reflection, she was super focused climbing on this big apparatus that required concentration and some thinking/spatial skills to navigate and she did well so, truly, her mind wasn't in chaos, that I could see.)

The one weird thing she did was get super obsessed about food. The kids had a huge breakfast at 8:30. We were at the park by 9:00. Jackie broke out the snacks by 9:10. While sheltering from some rain we got into my packed snacks by 10:00. So, Jane ate all morning. She got that disassociated, obsessive look in her eye when asking for food. She couldn't even video chat on the phone with her aunt as grandma was trying to make her do. If I opened an applesauce cup for Kate then Jane couldn't even finish what she was saying to her aunt and instead started panic-begging: can I have some? I'm hungry! I want one!

She was pounding down one pudding cup after another, eating them as fast as Jackie would open them, until I intervened. Her belly was literally bulging and rock hard and I wondered if she'd vomit when we went back to playing. She looked at me with this glazed look in her eye, angry and uncomprehending, when I intervened and said snack time was done.

Then, as we were leaving of course Jackie broke out the toys and started bringing bags to my car as I'm buckling up the kids. I accepted some nice puzzles and then said we needed to go because it was starting to thunder and lightning, not just rain. I hadn't even pulled out of the parking lot before Jane began begging for, "Grandma's toys".

Then we'd barely walked in the house and Jane started begging for the toys again. She was obsessive about getting/taking/having gifts of any type from Jackie.

I know that her relationship with Jackie is truly not about emotional support or connection whatsoever. I don't think Jackie is capable of having that kind of relationship with anyone. Their relationship is Jackie the rescuer who brings food and toys to sad and hungry Jane. Jackie brings stuff; Jane temporarily feels better. That's it. Endless repeat of more and more stuff needed to maintain relationship.

I think this visit brought more clarity to me. It's been so long and I've seen Jane grow so much. Seeing her revert to old behaviors I haven't seen in a long time reminds me of their source.

Now I'll watch and see if there's continued blow-back in the coming days. Will a visit with one person from her past for 2.5 hrs at a park be more or less disruptive than our family gone for a week to our cottage? It took her three days to unwind from being gone for a week. Hopefully this visit won't have be more disruptive than that.

In summary, I'm just sad. I wanted a better, closer relationship with the girl's birth family and I invested a lot of hours and effort into forming that relationship. But, at the end of the day, I have to acknowledge that these are broken people who did not have the girls placed with them for good reason. They aren't capable of being meaningful support people for these girls. Once again, the girls lose out.

We'll maintain minimal contact a couple times a year and I'll continue to send pictures each month as I've done for 19 months now, so they don't totally lose track over the years, but it's not in the girl's best interest to have lots of contact with these broken people. Maybe when the girls are adults and in a good place they can navigate more contact without negative effects on them. I truly hope so.