Birth Family Visit Shocker

Jane and I talked during her bath and just had a first-ever conversation. It was more insightful and mature and real and transparent and genuine than any conversation I think we've ever had. I am truly bowled over. Because what she told me was absolutely not what I expected her to say.

Background 1: Jane is 4 and hyper-vigilant and eager-to-please. She watches me closely and will say absolutely anything if she believes it's what I want to hear. It makes it really hard for me to have genuine conversations with her. I've worked hard to train myself to keep a neutral tone and use open-ended questions and speak slowly with no hint at what I want to find out.

Background 2: Jane has no concept of time. She uses terms like day, week, month, year, tomorrow, yesterday all interchangeably with little concept of their meanings. For example, she'll say, "I missed that tomorrow but now I'll get to do it yesterday." Or, "a few weeks ago when I was a baby..."

Note to Self: she was playing in the bathtub when we talked. It was the first free moment she and I had alone together all day. But, I should remember it's a good place because she's relaxed and happy and busy with her toys and can be silly with toys in between serious stuff.

So, now the story:

I told her that while she played I wanted to ask her about her day. Third question from me was asking about seeing Grandma Jackie. She said she was happy to see her and loves her.

Then Jane launched into a memory about being a baby and being in a basket and Grandma Jackie coming to lift her out of it. She described it in great detail, down to the color of the blanket, and I realized it was a playpen. She could not tell me whose house the playpen was in. She said it was in a doctor's office--which makes no sense. Did she mean a social worker's office and this is one of the times Jackie rescued them after they were removed from their mother? I'm not sure.

We got back to talking about Jackie and discussed lots of things. It was a longer, more detailed conversation than we usually have.

Then, at the end, I said, "I'm trying to make a plan for when we should see Grandma Jackie again. What do you think?" Jane said, "I know, let's not see her tomorrow because we just saw her today."

(That surprised me. I thought she'd want to see her.) I paused for awhile and let her play.

Then, I said, "It's been about 3 months since we last saw Grandma Jackie. Should we go the same amount of time again before we see her?" Jane's answer was immediate and adamant. "No."

Me: "Okay, so if 3 months isn't right, what is the right amount of time before our next visit?"

Jane: (holding up 4, then 5 fingers, thinking, then going back to 4 fingers) "Four months."

(I'm totally surprised but keep my voice neutral.)

Me: "Four months is longer than three months, so you want to go even longer before you see her again?"

Jane: "Yes."

Long pause. Waiting to see if she'll reconsider and change her answer. She doesn't.

Me: "Why do you want to go longer before you see her again?"

Jane: "Because sometimes I don't want to see her. Sometimes I just want to be me. By myself."

Holy cow. I cannot believe she said that out loud. I kept my response a neutral mm-hmm and moved the conversation along after it was clear she didn't want to say anything more.

But isn't that so utterly true of a girl trying to find a new identity? "I just want to be me." At one point during the visit today Jackie accidentally called her by her old middle name and I saw Jane flinch, as did I. That name sounded odd and out of place and not a part of who this girl is now. I thought maybe Jane would smile and welcome hearing it but she very clearly did not.

Later, totally unprompted, when getting out of the tub and into the towel I was holding for her, she said, "When I said good-bye to Grandma Jackie I wasn't sad. I didn't want to be. I wanted to be happy so I was happy."

I think she was saying that she is choosing not to dwell in the past and mourn any longer. She is choosing to be content with her life the way it is.

I am just so surprised. The whole conversation was so calm and insightful and genuine that I believe Jane was being honest with me. At the same time I'm cautious because I know she's easily swayed to say what will please me, and she also has no sense of time. But watching her look at her fingers and think about how many, and knowing she truly does have a good grasp that 4 is more than 3 from the preschool work we've done togther, and asking that clarifying question about a longer gap between visits and hearing her unhurried but clear and firm statement that she didn't want to see Jackie right away--well, all of that makes me tend to believe her.

And it's confirmation of what I've been seeing about her anxiety levels dropping during this shut down when we could not see Jackie. I just never expected to have her verbalize so clearly what I believed I was observing.

So, this feels like such a leap forward. And right when I've been so frustrated lately about whether she and I will ever bond. Maybe actually seeing Jackie today, and Jane experiencing how disconnected she is from Jackie, actually helped Jane realize she is a part of our family now.

Wow. Just wow. This feels like a monumental shift. This girl never stops surprising me!