Foster Further

 Just for the record--yesterday when the eldest son packed up for college that triggered a reshuffling of all the kids' bedrooms. So, in one day I rounded up, washed, dried, folded, and organized every single piece of clothing for all 5 kids. Then, I emptied bedrooms, cleaned them, rearranged furniture, and put back every single piece of clothing.  Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't get more done. Then I remember that I have 5 kids and what the day to day reality of that entails.

 This week James had his birthday. He turned 6. Usually in the week before any kid's birthday I do a feel special things for them. For example, I might make their favorite breakfast one of the mornings. Or, if I need to run to the store anyway I'll take just that one kid and make it a 1:1 outing with me. When I do these small things I'll say, "this is your birthday week!" and that way it prolongs the celebration and makes the kid feel special for more than just one day.  For two years now Jane has struggled on Kate and James' birthdays. She doesn't appear jealous or angry on anyone else's birthdays--just those of the two little kids who are her playmates.  After reading a new book and having an in-person session with our therapist I've tried to be more intentional about naming her feelings, even the difficult ones that I'd like to avoid.  So, on the morning of his birthday I pulled her aside and brought up the topic. I told her that I knew she ...

 Gonna make this short as it's been a long, emotionally exhausting couple of days. In summary: while I was flying high thinking life was great, Jane was using every moment I was out of the house to do a whole series of small, destructive things.  It all came out yesterday. I spanked her. Now we're in the long rebuilding phase that feels more demoralizing every single time we have to go back to square one in rebuilding trust with her.  Important take aways from the therapist: There are two core truths or beliefs we adults dealing with traumatized children have to keep in mind always. 1) She believes she is a bad person. She feels shame for being rejected by her parents. Something must be wrong with her at her core for her own mother to reject her. 2) Like everyone else, she wants to do good and be in a positive relationship with others.  That's the constant push-pull. That's the whiplash for why she does shitty things even in the midst of having a good week.  Res...

 This all just happened so I'm writing while the details are fresh in my mind.  I had to take one of the older boys to visit a school. It was a last minute thing and James, who's going through a mommy-love phase, was upset. I said he could come with me which sent the girls, Jane and Kate, into an anxiety spiral about being left behind. I promised that when I got back I'd take them out next.  Two hours later I'm back and, as promised, I load the girls up to get their bangs cut. Normally it's something I do but this was an excuse to go do a special girly thing. After their haircuts we went to walk around the mall.  Walking in the mall: Jane becomes increasingly over-stimulated. She can't keep track of where she's going and is constantly walking into people or objects. She begins hopping and flapping when we walk by stores with lots of colors or objects she likes (e.g. Victoria Secrets, but that's a whole other post). Her speech is high and squeaky or freak...

 Talking to the therapist two days ago and he asked how the youngest three kids get along. I said that they get along great. Three seems like a good number. If one of them wants a break and time alone there are still two to play together. Or, three is a fun little group if they want to wreak havoc and do something wildly creative. Of course there are small squabbles but nothing lasts more than a few minutes. There are truly no issues I'm worried about in their relationship dynamic.  The therapist was dumbfounded. Kept saying how rare this is. I hadn't really thought about it before.  Now I've been pondering why we have so little squabbling (less fighting than our two boys did at certain stages of their lives) among them. First, I truly think they're all highly social and more interested in getting along than fighting. It works because they want it to work. We won the personality lottery there.  Second, I do remember spending a lot of time when they were 2, 3, and 3 ...

 Yesterday was the 33rd anniversary of my father's death. Every year I do the math, and then do the math again, because it does not seem possible that he's been gone so long. For several years now I've been a wife and mother for more years than I was his daughter.  And yet, of course, I have always, and will always be, his daughter. His identity as my father, and my identity as his daughter, didn't stop just because he died. A relationship may not be possible but there is always the fact of identity.  (You see where I'm going as regards adoption, right?) So what does a daughter of a dead father do when Father's Day falls on the 33rd anniversary of his death? Spend it being quite annoyed, actually. All last week as yesterday loomed I became more and more irritated.  Each year differs slightly but generally I move through a host of moods. Some years I truly forget it and am surprised when I realize it has passed by. Other years I spend days deeply anxious about my...

 Both girls have resumed peeing their pants this week. Kate has done it 1-2 times a day for the last few days (except not when gone all day to church with dad and the sibs while I stayed home, reinforcing that all children save their worst for the mother, thanks so much darling). Jane did it today. Jane peed her pants while sitting in our dining room 10 feet from a bathroom. Why? Because she didn't want to stop eating.  Pretty sure she's lying. Pretty sure she actually did it while outside playing because she didn't want to come in and she only noticed it when she came in to eat.  Pretty sure it doesn't matter when she did it. The point is that this girl, about to turn 6 in three months still doesn't have control of her body and/or acts out with poop and pee and/or copes with all strong emotions by losing awareness of her body and/or _____ fill in the blank with any theory possible but who the hell knows why she does it.  The one obvious thing is that they experienc...