This all just happened so I'm writing while the details are fresh in my mind.
I had to take one of the older boys to visit a school. It was a last minute thing and James, who's going through a mommy-love phase, was upset. I said he could come with me which sent the girls, Jane and Kate, into an anxiety spiral about being left behind. I promised that when I got back I'd take them out next.
Two hours later I'm back and, as promised, I load the girls up to get their bangs cut. Normally it's something I do but this was an excuse to go do a special girly thing. After their haircuts we went to walk around the mall.
Walking in the mall: Jane becomes increasingly over-stimulated. She can't keep track of where she's going and is constantly walking into people or objects. She begins hopping and flapping when we walk by stores with lots of colors or objects she likes (e.g. Victoria Secrets, but that's a whole other post). Her speech is high and squeaky or freakishly guttural.
She is constantly running 2-3 steps ahead and then performing some silly/hopping/dancy movement with a wide-eyed giant smile on her face while looking at me to see if I notice. After ignoring her for about 15 minutes I see she isn't going to be able to calm herself.
I wait till Kate is a few steps away and out of earshot, then say quietly: "Jane, you need to stop being silly."
Jane instantly settles down. Walks, talks and behaves calmly. Complete 180 degree shift; like flipping a switch. So, then I understand. This wasn't over-stimulation because she's in the mall, this is attention-seeking behavior because she's still in a high-anxiety mindset about being left this morning.
Her behaviors are: noticeme! NOTICEME! NO! TICE! ME! NOW!
I take her hand. Sometimes she hates this because she thinks she's too old. This time she likes it. She keeps reaching for my hand after I have to let go to open doors or get something from my purse.
She's okay for the last 10 minutes we're in the mall but as soon as she gets into the car this transition flips her back into her anxiety mood. She's already chanting incessantly, "Inthecar. Inthecar. Inthecar." before I can even get the key in the ignition.
To redirect her behavior without addressing the chanting I begin asking the girls questions as we pull out of the parking lot.
Me: "What's your favorite part of getting a haircut?"
Jane: "The water spray!"
Me: "Really? It looked like you didn't like water being sprayed and some getting on your face."
Jane: mumbling to self
Kate: "I likeded the sucker."
Jane: "Yeah! I liked the sucker best!"
Me: "Okay, now what was the worst part of getting a haircut?"
Kate: "The water sprayed on my face. I didn't wike dat."
Jane: "The water spray."
This nonsensical conversation is the norm. Her strongest memory of the haircut was the water spray (she was really startled when this happened and clearly hated it) so, without processing the actual words I said to name a favorite thing, she just simply named that event as soon as she heard me mention the hair cut.
Soon after this Jane begins rocking violently back and forth while laughing hysterically. Apparently she's done something to Kate that she thinks is funny. The whole car is rocking. I tell her directly, "Jane, it looks like you're having trouble controling your body. You need to get control of your body now."
She does. Instantly still and quiet. (I swear, the instant compliance is the weirdest part of all this. To me it confirms how fake the weird behaviors really are. A kid who was deep into the sensation of self-stimulating behaviors could not flip them off that quickly.)
As we're driving we stop at a red light where the city has planted a lot of pretty flowers. To direct the girls into a conversation in order to keep Jane from resuming her rocking or chanting, I say, "Oh, look, those flowers are really pretty."
Jane: "Wahh-hooo! Flowers!!" (her excitement is all out of proportion, way over the top)
To model actually noticing her environment rather than over-reacting in attention-seeking ways, I comment on the flowers, "Hmmm, let's see, I think the tall red flowers are my favorite."
Jane, instantly, without thinking, "Me, too! I love the red ones!"
Me, still attempting to redirect her and model thoughtful speech, "I think the red ones stand out because they are in front of a lot of yellow ones."
Jane, looking and finally thinking, "Yeah, there's a lot of yellow ones."
She was fairly calm then for the rest of the drive home. When we got home she threw herself out of the car and headed for the sand pile. I'm sure she'll roll around in the mud for the rest of the day.
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I write all of the above to acknowledge why it's exhausting to be around Jane. She uses irritating behaviors and speech to gain attention whenever she feels anxious. She needs to make noise in order to be noticed so that my acknowledgement of her existence confirms I haven't forgotten about her. She is so chronically insecure that one slightly unexpected alteration in our day, especially one in which another kid got something she didn't get, sent her into a complete tail spin.
Notice that Kate was almost completely ignored during the whole outing. Jane makes sure she takes up every bit of oxygen in the room on days like this.
It's very difficult to parent a child who uses irritating behaviors to demonstrate how much they need you. I do better with James straight up crying and saying he doesn't want to be left. I don't cope well with the passive-aggressive irritating behaviors saved up and inflicted on me later.
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