Gonna make this short as it's been a long, emotionally exhausting couple of days. In summary: while I was flying high thinking life was great, Jane was using every moment I was out of the house to do a whole series of small, destructive things.
It all came out yesterday. I spanked her. Now we're in the long rebuilding phase that feels more demoralizing every single time we have to go back to square one in rebuilding trust with her.
Important take aways from the therapist: There are two core truths or beliefs we adults dealing with traumatized children have to keep in mind always.
1) She believes she is a bad person. She feels shame for being rejected by her parents. Something must be wrong with her at her core for her own mother to reject her.
2) Like everyone else, she wants to do good and be in a positive relationship with others.
That's the constant push-pull. That's the whiplash for why she does shitty things even in the midst of having a good week.
Response from the therapist after I told the whole tale:
a) It's okay, in this context, to spank. He also spanks his children. He adamantly told me not to feel guilty as he agrees it was a warranted response given her actions (with the caveat that spanking should always be rare, done calmly, etc.)
b) While spanking was a logical consequence as she broke the exact rules we've told her would warrant a spanking (e.g. intentionally harming things/people and lying about it), all the same, spankings, or any other type of punishment won't cure the problem.
c) Instead, we have to get to the root cause: she feels she is a bad person and when feelings connected to her abandonment/neglect trauma get triggered she will revert to naughty behavior because she's stuck in that place of feeling like a bad person. (Kind of like, if you're already in a dark place and binge eating then, what the heck, why not keep going and eat the whole cake.)
d) So, it's my job to somehow help her identify her feelings of abandonment and choose appropriate coping mechanisms in hopes that, over the years, as she matures and practices this she will be able to identify her triggers and learn to control the impulse to be bad.
e) Also, no, we can't ever trust her. She has to always be monitored. Giving her too much freedom, that even her 4 yr old sister can handle, is much too thrilling and tempting for the almost 6-yr-old to handle. The very experience of knowing she isn't being watched pushes her over the edge.
So, while her brother, the same age, was thrilled at the bit of freedom and responsibility I gave them all last week...it made her deeply angry. She felt my absence like abandonment, not freedom. Her insatiable need for attention controls everything. She was angry, and lashed out because I told her I wouldn't be doling out snacks anymore but instead all the kids had free access to the snack drawer all day long.
(It makes me want to cry. The stupidity. I say, "Wow, you're so mature, here's some snacks and I trust you not to eat too many!" Everyone else thrives but she sees neglect and has to go break the TV. Her incessant irrationality and manipulation are exhausting.)
Where do we go from here? New family plan that she has to always be in eyesight of someone. We will not entertain her. She can sit and pick her nose for hours, I don't care, this isn't fun for us and it sure as hell isn't going to be rewarding for her.
Also, I'm getting her a journal for drawing. Going to teach her to start drawing her feelings, or stories, or memories as a way of communicating her emotions in a healthy way.
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