Foster Further

This post is just for the esteemed Reverend Doctor who reads this blog. Here's a new church tradition you'll be...er, interested in. During the Christmas pageant at each juncture where a new set of character came up a narrator made an announcement that members of the congregation who wanted to join in were also welcome to come up. I'd noticed a side room with lots of spare costumes laid out and wondered who they were for. They were for random kids I've never once seen at the church after a year of attending. I'm assuming these were either very nominally attending families or possibly the grandchildren of church members who were only in town for Christmas.  Altogether about 10 extra kids came onto the stage dressed as giraffes and spotted cows or Mary or shepherds or something vaguely costumey. The kids fell into one of two categories: too old to be doing this and totally pissed and hunched glaring meanly back at their parents, or, too young and utterly oblivio...

Quick Update: a few days ago Grandma's sister, Aunt H, called me to warn me that Grandma had snuck her son into a family event so he could see two of his children (he has five kids by three women; our girls are his youngest two). She'd begged us to allow her to take the girls, by herself, to this same event. So, she'd been actively trying to give her child-molesting son contact with our two young daughters. I need to remember this fact every time she asks for any contact with the girls. I was remembering this at the Christmas Eve service at the church last night. The girls were performers in the pageant (a sheep and a dog) and after I'd been given a program I realized that their names were probably in it. Grandma didn't have a program. I felt this cold chill and realized that if she took a program with her then she'd probably give it to her son, who lives with her, and then he'd see our last names in print. So, I hid my program and we went through the serv...

This December 25th I'm giving myself the gift of peace. Which means I will, as needed, step away and journal, blog, or read. I will not be present every moment. And that's just fine. I'm not nearly as indispensable as I think I am.  Case in point, Theo is already taking a nap on the couch in the midst of kids playing. If he can fall asleep surely I can step out of the room. And while I'm patting myself on the back. Here's the single smartest thing I've ever done. Two days ago I removed 3/4ths of their toys and stashed them in the garage where they'll rotate back into play in a few months. I then had empty tubs waiting for the new toys to go into today. As the kids tired of one toy and asked to open another gift I quietly removed the toy and put it into a tub. I felt calm and peaceful each time I cleaned up their space and there was room for them to enjoy a new toy. This may be the biggest mom-win of my entire life. Seriously. First Impressions: Now I kno...

After putting Jane to bed and writing most of the previous post, I got a call from the girl's aunt who has moved out of state. We'll be visiting her family on our way to FL. We're chatting when she suddenly changes the topic (I later realized someone walked out of the room so she could speak freely) and she tells me point blank to never, ever allow Grandma to take the girls out on her own. That Grandma absolutely will put them in contact with their father who is a convicted sexual predator of young children. That Grandma did that with his other kids by another mother over Thanksgiving. There are pictures on FB to prove it. And the girl was instructed, by Grandma, to lie to her parents about who had been at the Thanksgiving party. This is the same family party that Grandma BEGGED us to allow her to take the girls to. She tried every which way to get them there. And I felt super bad about denying her at the time but on an instinctual level it felt wrong for us to let them...

Dinner tonight encapsulated all my issues with Jane (and hers with me, too, now that I think of it). Theo was at Vespers, the boys had had a late lunch, it was only 5:00 but Kate was acting slightly ill and I knew both girls hadn't slept well the night before. I decided to feed them dinner, give them a bath, and then send them to bed early. Kate is playing but Jane is in the kitchen with me, spinning on an office chair (I know when she needs to spin she's been under-stimulated and is compensating). I pull some homemade chicken broth out of the fridge that I made last week, throw in some rice, chop up a carrot, add garlic and oregano and start to simmer the soup. I want Kate to get some good nourishment so she can fight off whatever is starting before Christmas. As it's cooking I ask Jane if she wants to have some of this soup or if she wants some of the Shepherd's Pie I made last night (which is what everyone else will be eating again tonight). I absolutely do not...

At church last Sunday as all the pageant moms were shepherding their kids through the process of trying on costumes and rehearsing the songs, I commiserated with another mom that when my husband hears the command to prepare your heart during Advent he goes quiet and still and deep in liturgies and songs and prayers. (He's a lovely father during Advent. He uses his homemade box to reveal an activity each night. It's wonderful. I am glad he does this.) When I hear that command I begin making five page lists documenting every gift, recipe, craft project, cleaning project, packing-the-family-for-a-road-trip-to-Florida task that must be done. And then start cramming as many tasks as possible into every outing so that we are getting haircuts, mailing Christmas cards, going to the chiropractor, returning library books, shopping for groceries, picking up that weird gift that can only be found at that one store on the other side of town---- every single time we leave the house . Oh ...

This is the letter I just sent to the girls' court-appointed lawyer, their Guardian ad Litem, who represents their interests in this case. Dear Mr. (lawyer's name),  I am writing to you to ask for your help in completing the adoption of (real names and birthdates). On November 25th MCI approved our adoption of the girls. We believed the paperwork would go to the judge sometime in the next week and the adoption would be finalized within a few days.  On November 26th staff from our foster care agency, (name of agency), came to our house for a Family Team Meeting to wrap up paperwork. The staff was late, we were in the midst of packing for a trip out of state for Thanksgiving, and I was impatient with yet another example of their ongoing unprofessional behavior. I asked them to wrap up the meeting as quickly as possible. They left at 4:15. At 5:00 I received an email saying a Special Evaluation had been opened on our family. The reason was that (Kate) had missed a 30-...

The facts: due to Thanksgiving chaos, in the past three weeks Jane has faced a slew of obstacles. 1) We revisited birth family in a home she used to go to often for the first time in a year--lots of memories triggered by being in that space again. 2) We traveled out of state and were gone from home for 4 nights--a major disruption to her sleep and sense of security. 3) Something like 30+ people we rarely see were a part of those visits--this highly social girl is exhausted. 4) Due to the travel we missed two dance classes and two O.T. sessions--big factors in her physical well-being. 5) She's 4 years old and only one year into a safe environment and really, only a few months into feeling calm and safe every day. So, looking at it like that, of course I should expect negative consequences, right? Honestly, looking at those factors it's been much smoother than it could've been. I see that she's more hyper, less able to focus on toys, more prone to pestering the ...

I took Kate to the doctor's office today for our fake, made-up, bureaucracy-sucks appt (see previous post). She adores outings 1:1 with me, even to the dr office. We walk in and she's chatty and smiley with the receptionist. In the waiting room a cute little A-A boy sat beside her and she joyfully crowed to me, "Mama, look, it's my friend!" (she'd never met him before). We get called back and she's so friendly and expressive to the nurse that the nurse keeps cracking up and at one point whispered to me, "She's adorable!" So Kate is having a good old time until a student doctor walks in. She FROZE. Like a baby bunny before the jaws of the fox. Absolutely could not move a muscle, eyes wide and locked on him, totally unresponsive. I think she almost stopped breathing. I looked at him and saw what she saw--he looked a lot like her biological father. Same hair; same long face; maybe even a similar voice though I'd only heard him speak once...

From the last post of feeling so good, feeling so in love with my little girls, feeling so at peace and happy with the world...we come to today. Today I am frightened, threatened, angry, frustrated. Awhile ago Kate was supposed to have a 30 month well child checkup. When the social worker told me about this I totally blew it off. I figured by the time they'd get around to caring the adoption would be final and we could skate by. I made this decision not on my own but when I took her in for her flu shot and the nurse told me that she's up to date on all her shots. I asked them about a 30 month checkup and they looked at me funny and said, uh, nobody does that anymore. Okay, if the doctor's office says it isn't needed then I'm not about to pitch a fit trying to make them do something they can't even bill for. Last Monday the state's official adoption agency okayed the adoption. But, there was a delay in taking that paperwork to the judge because the subs...