Foster Further

I just had the most amazing talk with Jane that I need to record here so I can remember all the details. This morning she seemed quite pissy. Tiny little refusals (e.g. it's raining and I tell the kids to hurry to the car but she dawdles so everyone has to wait in the rain before we can shut the gate). I am trying to be more cognizant of how I speak to her and what my attitude is when she makes requests of me. I feel we've been stuck in an antagonistic rut and I'm trying to break us out of it. By the time lunch rolled around I found myself snapping at her. After lunch I sent to the kids to separate rooms for quiet time, as usual, and then I grabbed a basket of the girls' unfolded laundry and took it to her room to fold and put away so we could talk. I began by flat out saying that she seemed angry today and reminded her that it's good to use words to tell how we feel instead of being naughty to show how we feel. She immediately got it and named things she'...

I hung up the phone, put my face in my hands, leaned against the kitchen countertop and wept. Waves of emotion rolled over me and flooded my hands, then one tissue after another. I could not stop crying. Relief, joy, surprise, but mainly just relief to be finally getting some good news about something, anything. Gus stood there awkwardly patting my shoulder, totally unsure what to do. Jane came into the kitchen, her internal antenna finely-tuned for drama, bringing her downstairs from where she'd been playing in her bedroom. I tried to pull it together for her sake but could not. Gus tried to explain for me, "Mom is happy. She's crying because Seth got into...a...school. A really good school." A damn good school. His "reach" school already calling to scoop him up in an early admission offer. He hasn't even applied anywhere else. Heck, he hadn't even finished his application for this school! He hadn't submitted his final essay or sent any re...

I have read that the best way to stop being angry at someone is to pray for them. It's excellent advice. I've used it before and found it to be a humbling and calming experience. Today is, maybe, the last visit by social workers. I say maybe because they said this for the past two months and then, oh wait, we screwed up the paperwork, now you're still in limbo, we need to visit again next month. The house is clean; the children have been warned. I'm ready. Except for the little issue of my anger that incompetent, stupid people who've harmed and stressed my family in the past are coming to evaluate me sometime today. (Oh, it's an "unannounced" visit this month so I'm supposed to sit around today and tomorrow and wait--it's worse than waiting for the cable guy.) I woke up early today after barely sleeping last night. Went downstairs to a quiet house and made myself a cup of coffee and tried to pray. "Dear God, please help Kyra not me...

Another bad day today. It's 2:20 as I write this and it's already been a full day. We didn't go to preschool today because I'm dealing with either a migraine or a sinus headache that's making me sore and queasy. I pulled it together long enough to get them to the park for a half hour this morning in hopes that that would help her behavior--I know she needs large motor/large joints engagement for her sensory seeking needs. But, nope, as soon as we got home, literally before I even got my coat off, she started in with the pestering behavior and then the sneaking around and lying. She's incredibly attuned to my health and mood. She knows when I'm less aware and an easier target. First she took one of their toys and put it inside the dog crate knowing the dog would chew it up. This sent Kate into a panic and she was shrieking about the loss of her toy. Both girls accused the other of doing it. I asked them to sit in a separate room and think and tell me what...

Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had since the girls came to us. For no apparent reason. Jane just decided to be really naughty all day long, about five minutes after she was released from each time out session. The past week we've been talking about anger, triggered by some incidents that occurred during her last therapy sessions. I had been telling her it's okay to show anger for a few days now. Well, she sure as hell took me up on the offer. Except not the way I meant it. I meant she should have a tantrum, yell, scream, even hit. Get it out! Express it! Be honest! Be real with me! Trust me enough to show a single authentic emotion already! Nope. She decided to do the most sneaky, underhanded, devious, manipulative, destructive things her little 4 year old brain could think of. I think she spent every minute of her time outs just planning what she'd do next. I was patient, calm, and creative in my consequences for the first two events. Then, she took Kat...

Yesterday a good friend messaged me to ask questions about foster care. She and her husband are considering it, as I already knew, and she wanted to get my opinion on it. She said, in part, "... Knowing everything that you know now, would you do foster care again? I know that’s a hard question because it’s impossible not to recognize that’s where your daughters came from."  I have no problem whatsoever in airing my opinion and was about to jump in with my list of top things the foster care agency doesn't tell you...but my eyes could not leave that second sentence.  Because...? Why? I felt so conflicted absorbing her thoughts.  Should I be offended that someone was politely opening the door for me to own up to the fact that I have regrets? Should I just come out and say, no, really, that's okay, I don't really think of them as my daughters yet anyway, no offense taken! Am I supposed to get to the point in my life where I feel more comfortable hiding or ne...

Got a call a few days ago with the results of the Special Investigation. a) we were found to be, "not out of compliance" with the charge of using corporal punishment. b) I was found to be, "out of compliance" by listening in on the private conversation between the social worker and the girls--which they knew about because I blatantly told them I listened in and that's how I knew precisely how the dimwits had questioned the girls to lead them into making false charges.  My punishment? I had to sign a paper saying I'd reviewed the rule saying those conversations were private. Uhm, okay, I'll sign a paper saying I read a rule. Wow, I'm so chastised for my dangerous, evil ways. Thanks for protecting the vulnerable children in your care. Gotta love the phrasing of, "not out of compliance". Bureaucrats with egg on their face are not gonna say, "you're innocent" or "we were wrong". Nope. Not gonna happen. So, it...

Two days ago the most potentially dangerous thing that's ever happened at our house occurred. Jane opened the gate to the goat pen and let them out so they had access to where the three little kids were playing unsupervised (I was inside making dinner). Couple facts...the two goats are Nigerian Dwarf and only 18 inches tall at the shoulder. Yet both are so strong and adept at head-butting that they've knocked me to the ground before (with a sneak attack at the back of the knees). A month ago Kate wasn't listening to me while I was walking the goats on leashes and she got too close--one of the goats hit her square in the belly and, literally, sent her flying through the air and knocked the wind out of her. If I hadn't had the goat on the leash her next move would've been to put her head into Kate's body and kneel her front legs while she ground Kate into the dirt with all the force of her rock-hard skull. It's a brutal move that can kill a small animal. Or ...