Foster Further

Both girls have been talking lots lately about how old they are, who is bigger, what age they will be next, what their names are now and are going to be, etc. I feel like we're close enough to the finalization of the adoption that it's safe to answer with definitives. Interestingly, Jane had this whole conversation with me where she asked what her name was when she was born and what it'll be when she's a grown up. Like she wondered if maybe it changed every few years. She was kind of worried throughout our conversation--wondering if she was losing her identity? She felt reassured when I told her that her first name had always been the same and always would be. I'm very glad we didn't change their first names for just this reason. Then, tonight, Kate had an interesting conversation with me. At only 2 years, 9 months she can't have very in depth conversations but I know she's got bigger thoughts than her vocabulary is able to express. She's a very ...

For the past few months I've had this weird sleep pattern happening a couple times a week. I'm super tired and go right to sleep and continue to sleep for about 30-40 minutes. Then, I come rushing awake with my heart thumping, gasping for breath. My mind is flooded with anxiety about some tiny, specific thing like when you've already left for the trip but suddenly remember the crucial thing you forgot that absolutely must, somehow, be retrieved. I'm so anxious--and sleep-addled like when you can't fully come out of a nightmare--that it takes me 1 to 3 hours to go back to sleep. All the while feeling desperately tired and then angry that I can't get back to sleep. Because being angry sure is a relaxing way to soothe a tired brain to sleep. Yesterday we got a call from the Guardian ad Litum (the attorney for the girls). It was a brief check-up as it always is. He asks no questions beyond his first "how's it going"; wants few details. But, he is u...

We are approaching the end of the hardest year our family has endured since, well, it's very first one. (In our first year of marriage Theo and I coped with the death of his mother a week before our wedding; an unplanned, high-risk pregnancy; two moves; and struggling to live on one salary that didn't cover both rent and groceries. Besides being newly married and having no clue how to actually live together. Really nothing we'll ever face will be harder than that year. Honestly.) But, back to present day. Things are winding down. 1) The house painters are gone. Eight days of "final touch-ups that will just take a few hours". Eight days of watching them patch a spot sloppily with putty so the putty got on the green trim. Then repainting the green trim to cover the putty. Then repainting the yellow house paint where they slopped the green trim paint. True story. Now multiply by every inch of a two-story house with a porch, chimney, and 19 windows and three ext...

Today the social worker returned to our house to interview the two older boys, Seth (17) and Gus (13). He spent about five minutes with each one. First he schmoozed a bit (and, seriously, no, these boys do not imagine this guy showing up out of the blue for the express purpose of investigating spanking actually cares what they think of their homeroom teacher...give them some credit and cut the bullshit, already). Then, he asked them two questions. 1) How do your parents discipline you? 2) How do your parents discipline other kids in the home? Both boys gave the answer we told them to give: timeouts. No follow up questions, no deep probing, no crafty ninja interrogation skills from the Special Investigation guy who's been, "forensically trained" as I kept being told as if I should go ooh, ahh, wow, each time the phrase was uttered. Theo keeps telling me that this piss-poor job is a sign the guy actually recognizes we're fine and this whole complaint stemmed fro...

A few weeks ago I wrote about two major stressors in our home--incompetent house painters dragging out a job while also making our yard a danger zone for playing kids; and young, inexperienced social workers who thought they'd uncovered something happening that isn't allowed by the state (spanking) which launched a Special Investigation. It's been a very long couple of weeks. I did ask the house painters to make some changes that they agreed to and it helped. They, supposedly, entered the final touch-ups three days ago. It was only, "a few hours work" three days ago and they've put in three more 6-8 hour days and still aren't done. They've packed up and then brought back all their ladders and equipment three times in three days. Because that's the kind of highly efficient, highly organized dweebs these guys are. Enough of them. I don't even care anymore. They'll be gone by October...I think. And today the big Special Investigation beg...

Despite a rough week there have been some really nice moments lately. Seth got a 1530 on his SAT. He got a perfect score on the  math portion! I'm super excited for him. He's filling out college applications and I think just knowing his score is that high makes him feel more confident and motivated. He took the CLT (Classical Learning Test) and got a 98. The college he really wants to get into requires a 100 in order to qualify for their best scholarship to their Honors College. He's going to retake it and he's pretty sure he'll do better. He hadn't studied for the CLT, that was his first time taking it, and he was out till midnight the night before at a marching band performance. It's hard to think about him going off to college but it's also really exciting. After the typical teenage stage he's now coming out of that phase and becoming a nice person again. I think he's going to have an amazing future. College is where Theo and I met, we fo...

I've been each girls' mother for a birthday now. Kate turned 2 last March just two days after the trial to terminate parental rights. (What is it like to lose your child before she's even two years old? If you last see your child at one-and-a-half, do you even really know who she is?) Jane turned 4 in September, as we are maybe only a month away from finalizing the adoption. The span of their birthdays is also pretty much the span of their adoption process. So much in such little time. Jane did not talk about her birth mother today. She didn't even ask. Theo set up a special email account for us to use when contacting birth family. I got a message from the girls' maternal grandfather yesterday explaining he didn't come to her birthday party because it wasn't good for him, "...to be around [the father's] side of the family." Like he couldn't trust himself not to start a fight. He has custody of C, the half-brother whom I had to un-invi...

And just like that next year I wanna be that smug, killjoy, lefty parent who sends out birthday invites that fake-polite demands attendees do not bring gifts but instead make a donation to a charity of the child's choice. When everyone knows said child doesn't care about the charity and would've loved some loot. Why? Two garbage bags of plastic film, cardboard, twisty-tie wrappings I had to cut and wrestle from around every gift.  TWO! bags of packaging and plastic crap toys that Jane never saw but went straight into the trash. For example, the exact same kind of doll shoes that Jane stuck up her nose months ago. We're not risking a repeat of that, thank you. (Kept the doll, just ditched the shoes.) Also, plastic necklaces with real metal clasps that her tiny hands can't do and I'm not gonna do up and undo every two seconds, thank you. (Not to mention the choking hazard to the 2 yr old when her big sister decides to dress her up with them and inevitably s...

Today we held Jane's 4th birthday party.  On the whole the party went well. I mean, none of the major things I was dreading happened. No surprise visits by banned people. Jane had fun. We got nice family pictures. She was thrilled with her cake and balloons and presents. She was polite and kind when opening gifts, saying thank you and giving genuine hugs. All the kids were thrilled to see each other and ran around on the playground together. They got tons of attention from adults. From her perspective, it was great. From my perspective, it was miserable and annoying. I'm never again going to get roped into doing all the work for a bigger party than I want to host. Here's how it happened. Several months ago I stayed home and Theo did the visitation with aunt/grandma and they dreamed up the idea of going to this park (farther away from our house so it'd be halfway for each of us to drive) plus renting a pavilion to house a bunch of people. They assured me there were...

I found Kate's father. We knew the girls had different fathers even though, according to the courts, there was only one. Grandma knew his name and told me. She spelled the last name wrong and the first name is a common one that can be spelled many different ways so it took me awhile. But then there I am staring at the male version of Kate's face. I have no doubt he's her father. He's a cage fighter. Seriously. Like boxing. But not. There are tickets that have been sold to his events. His FB knickname is "LowLife" and his slogan is, "Once a lowlife, always a lowlife." Covered in tattoos and muscles and a nose that's been broken many times. He may also do tree trimming as a job, according to pictures of him up in a tree in a harness with a chainsaw. We will not need any of our trees trimmed ever again. Nothing screams, CLOSE THAT ADOPTION! like finding out the birth father is a chainsaw-wielding, cage-fighting, lowlife. Feeling pretty ...

Here are all the things I'm worried about tomorrow: Forgetting some food or serving item (100% chance that'll happen despite my lists, oh well). The half-brother, age 13, who was uninvited after the girls cried and told me stories of him hurting them, coming anyway. If his grandpa (all the kids' maternal grandfather) brings him, despite our request not to...what do we do? Tonight I coached the girls that they can say, "NO!" loudly if he tries to pick them up or touch them and then say, "I'm going to get my mom!" (Sadly, Jane said, "sometimes he hurted me...but he still loves me!" Leading to a message from me about not letting people, even those who loves us, hurt us. Oy. Grandma dragging out the good-bye and making an already emotional day even more difficult. Like the fear about forgetting a party item I'm 100% sure this will happen. There's no prevention; just degrees of coping afterwards. It being cold and wet and a m...

We're two weeks into the Keep-Your-Panties-Dry Incentive and New Bedtime Routine. Exciting times around our house. Kate completely regressed about a month ago to wetting herself all day long. Could hardly go three hours. Doc recommended medicines and OTC remedies didn't work. It was becoming an area of anxiety for her. I think she actually began peeing herself out of fear when she thought she might've peed herself but hadn't yet...bizarro situations she couldn't unravel at 2.5. So, back to diapers full time but with these caveats: a) I ask her every morning if she wants diapers or underwear and honor her choice (she's relieved to be able to choose diapers but once did choose underwear). b) I prompt her to use the potty regularly. She pees in it about four times a day but still has a soaked diaper inbetween. She always poops in the potty, thank god. On the day that I told Kate she could go back to diapers Jane was standing there and I watched this animali...

I feel the need to record the hell that will be my life for the next seven days. I keep endlessly rolling through the calendar in my mind anyway so maybe it'll help me sleep if I just put it all here. Fri - both boys are marching together at a football game for the one and only time in their lives. It's the 8th grade Invitational where all 8th grade band students march with the big high school band. Seth plays clarinet. Gus plays tuba (he's so tiny and it's so heavy, he has to wear modified football shoulder pads to hold it up!) I watched the practice last night and kept alternating between laughing and crying. We're hired a babysitter for the little kids so Theo and I can both go and focus on the boys. I'm excited! Sat - Seth takes the Classical Learning Test because he's interested in colleges that look at that in addition to his SAT scores Sat - birthday party for child of Theo's co-workers. They each make more than he does. Our gift is gonna ...

Not gonna lie. The girls saying they didn't love me and didn't want to live here hurt like hell. Especially coming just one day after Kate's sweet moment of saying she loved and wanted, "dis one". I couldn't sleep that night until I reminded myself that it's actions, not words, when dealing with kids. Especially the littles. So I took note of how many times today Kate ran up and wrapped her arms around my leg and gave it a hug...just because. Twelve random moments when she needed to make contact and then happily ran off, comforted. I took note of how many times Jane called me "mama" in casual conversation because it's a big deal that a word that girl refused to use for months has now become something she uses un-selfconsciously. I made myself sit and smile back each time they looked me in the face and grinned for one of those simple, no-big-deal reasons. I slowed down to enjoy each cute and funny thing they did. Let myself be mesmer...

After our bonding session at the cottage a few weeks ago I gave Grandma our last name and address. Seven months of getting to know her. Building trust. Her convincing us she came unattached, without her son's presence in the girls' lives. It, truly, felt like jumping off a cliff. Knowledge given can not be taken away. But Theo convinced me that it was in the girls' best interest to make Grandma a true member of the family. And obviously she has to be able to come to our house in order to be that. I'm a multi-tasker. I figured out that if she came over Labor Day weekend, when we do our annual scramble to finish up yard and house jobs that'd been neglected all summer, then she could take the girls to the park to get them out of our hair while we worked. And she'd get her very first alone time with them. Win-win. But, ugh, so much trust. I keep failing to anticipate how much emotional work will have to go into every event. I waited to tell the girls till ...