Foster Further

So I wasn't crazy and something abnormal is really happening with Jane. She was screened by a neurologist at our local university's hospital today and after looking at some videos I'd recorded of what looked like seizure-behavior to me, he referred her for an EEG and an MRI. Oooh, boy. The one-hour EEG is this Friday. He said it takes about 48 hours to hear results of an EEG. He did not see overt signs of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. He did want to do genetic testing to look for a chromosomal disorder. And he also ordered the MRI just to look at all kinds of things, including more mild forms of FAS that may not result in physical characteristics. On one hand we want definitive results after all this testing, but on the other hand nobody is wishing anything upon her. And...the foster care lens. I saw this so many times when working with parents as a special ed teacher. I could give biological parents or foster/adoptive parents the exact same news and the reactions would...

Jane does not stutter when she is angry.  I am so flummoxed by this I can't even process. Background: yesterday was a bad day. Just nonstop big and little things that ended in a return to time out almost as soon as she got out and an hour long phone call from me to her therapist. We rarely have days like this. Once every three months or so. Today she came awake still angry. Normally she bounces out of bed happy. This morning it was all dirty looks. She stayed angry all day. This was very new. Maybe the first time we've seen this and both Theo and I felt it was healthy as it was a normal reaction we'd expect after the consequences she received yesterday. I was mentally noting what it looks like when she's angry because I've never seen her stay angry more than a few minutes. And that's when it hit me---she had not stuttered once all day! Her stuttering had gotten really bad last week. Bad enough that I was considering asking for a re-eval by the speech...

Let me start by saying that in my professional and personal life I've known lots of social workers and some of them are the smartest, wisest, most insightful people I've ever met. Several are the kind of person I hope I grow up to be someday. A good friend of mine, who is a social worker, got a full ride to college and probably could've gone into any degree area she wanted to pursue. So, lots of smart social workers out there...just not the ones we have. Our adoption social worker called yesterday for this purpose: SW: what's your monthly income me: didn't we put our yearly income on X form (I can picture it in my head) SW: yes, but I need the monthly income pause  me wondering, will she figure this out? nope. me: couldn't you just divide the yearly income by twelve to get a monthly income? lengthy pause SW: (still thinking hard, trying to puzzle her way through this complex math problem) yeah...I guess...I think that would work...okay! It worked! ...

The girls cry when I say 'bedtime'. It's automatic. Even for all possible synonyms and euphanisms. Happy kids.  +  "Bedtime"  =  Wailing kids. After months of trying a bazillion strategies I finally landed on a possible solution: removing sleep from the equation. A few nights ago I was emotionally exhausted to the point where I knew that all of my children needed to go far, far away from me for everyone's health and well-being. But it was a half hour before bedtime. And the light outside was going to be full, glorious summer sunshine for another two hours. So, I rushed through their bedtime routine but said, "And now you get to STAY AWAKE and play with toys and read books in your beds! Oh boy! What fun!" They trotted off to their beds, smiley-faced, and I never heard from them again. It was so bright outside that I left their light off but their curtain open and that was enough light to play by so I guess as it got dark outside they just cu...

Well, it happened. Social workers endlessly drilling the word 'foster' into their minds finally sunk in and Jane began using the word. It's not necessarily bad or a secret. I just don't like them learning a label for themselves if it makes them feel different or bad about themselves. I'd just as soon they transition from daughter in one family to daughter in another family. Not saying that'll be easier, per se...but I do think it's more accurate when describing their life journey. So, today the girls are playing and I realize Jane has decided one of her stuffed animals is "Foster Baby". The baby has to be quickly removed from one place (the couch) and put in a safe place (a box). Over and over again. She seems like she wants to act this out but is kinda stuck on what to do next so I decide to engage with her so I can help give language to whatever she's processing. Together she and I move the foster baby through a series of harrowing even...

Yesterday Jane had her dance recital; the culmination of six months of tap lessons. Aunt and Grandma were invited. We went out to eat afterwards. Some observations from the day: 1. When I told the girls they'd be seeing aunt and grandma they were happy but not as ecstatic as they have been in the past. They were as happy as they'd be if I said we were going to the grocery store, which they love. They were not as happy as if I'd said we were going to their favorite indoor play place with a gazillion fun activities. My interpretation: they know they'll see them regularly and are growing confident in the routines we've established. There is less and less grief surrounding their separation from these family members all the time. 2. Dance recitals are immoral. Or at least this place's was. At the dress rehearsal I saw 10 yr old girls shaking their butts at the audience while... weirdly ...their mother's whooped and hollered in encouragement. I cannot even...

Some moms in my circle have posted snippets about Body Autonomy recently. A mother will post a picture of a child behaving rudely when asked to pose for a special event and then applaud her own child for making his own decisions with his body. Cue obligatory "you're such a great mom!" comments from others in her tribe. These are all very young first time moms who are woke in all kinds of ways. I'm sure I was that mom, too, about a decade and a half ago. But nowadays I'm parenting more like my grandparents than this generation of TL;DR millenialls who think a really long FB post from an emphatically non-expert influencer is enough research for them. (And, as a friend pointed out, the message of I-do-what-I-want is what is causing a society that contributes to global warming, a rape culture, insufficient tax base to create a social safety net for the most needy, etc. etc. etc. It's about the least Christian message I can imagine.) The reality is that no...

Kate has begun doing this, "watch me" routine that's adorable. First, she does something naturally on her own. Then, you can see her realizing that that thing was new, interesting, fun to do...something captivating. So, she comes to find me and says, "watch me ___" and then does it. Yesterday she was mooing (like a cow). Kate: "Watch me moo....MOOO!" (giggles in delight) Today she came up to me and said, "watch me run!" and then ran, looking down at her feet as she went the way toddlers do when they're enthralled with their new ability to go fast. After she ran she said, "watch me AHH!" and then she ran while fake-screaming, "AHHHH!" She pronounces watch: 'wot' Yesterday James was hungry. He followed me into the kitchen and then, in his best Coach voice (as Theo describes his loud, problem-solver tone) he announced: "Mama! I find hungry samwich!" He proceeded to open the cupboard doors ...

I got a phone call that my grandmother is not doing well. She's been moved into a home and likely will not live much longer. She says she just wants to go to sleep and not wake up. She just turned 96. My grandpa died 15 years ago. She's had a long life and is ready. I told Seth and Gus and they are upset. Gus, especially, was close to her and loved our annual visit to see grandma. But the younger three do not know her. James last saw her at age 2 and the girls have never met her. We're going up next weekend to visit and, I imagine, most likely say good-bye. I'm wrestling with what to say to her. I've sent her letters and pictures of the girls. I think she's fairly aware but at this stage in her life she can't possibly really care that I've brought two more great-grandchildren into her life. I'm not even sure, at this point, how many great-grandchildren and even great-great-grandchildren she already has. (My dad was one of seven kids.) So, I n...