Yesterday Jane had her dance recital; the culmination of six months of tap lessons. Aunt and Grandma were invited. We went out to eat afterwards.
Some observations from the day:
1. When I told the girls they'd be seeing aunt and grandma they were happy but not as ecstatic as they have been in the past. They were as happy as they'd be if I said we were going to the grocery store, which they love. They were not as happy as if I'd said we were going to their favorite indoor play place with a gazillion fun activities.
My interpretation: they know they'll see them regularly and are growing confident in the routines we've established. There is less and less grief surrounding their separation from these family members all the time.
2. Dance recitals are immoral. Or at least this place's was. At the dress rehearsal I saw 10 yr old girls shaking their butts at the audience while...weirdly...their mother's whooped and hollered in encouragement. I cannot even begin to understand. And when I questioned whether I had to put make-up (we were encouraged to do lipstick, blush, mascara and eyeliner) on a 3 yr old I was stared at as if I had two heads.
Maybe I'm too sensitive because I'm hyper aware that sexual exploitation and abuse is real and girls who've been sexualized from a young age will struggle with healthy relationships throughout their lives. Maybe I'm just that boring old lady who doesn't want to dress the toddler like a slut.
Jane went onstage with a dab of pink lipstick and some blush--because it is fun to dress up; that's what the fluffy dress and tap shoes were all about--and she looked just fine without eyeliner and mascara.
3. At the restaurant I chose where everyone would sit. I placed Kate next to me because she needs help eating and Jane between aunt and grandma since she's the one they want to see anyway. (Their preference for Jane is becoming more pronounced all the time. They've told me repeatedly that Kate has a different father and so they're only really related to Jane, since they're paternal relatives. I don't really care except that I worry about the day Kate finds out and their rejection of her is yet another loss in her life.)
Soon after we sat down grandma started tickling Jane and she began shrieking this really loud, extremely high and piercing scream that she does when she thinks she's supposed to laugh but is too dis-regulated to react normally. At the first one I gave her a surprised/warning look. At the second I said her name and shook my head no. At the third I got her attention firmly and clearly told her that she was disturbing everyone else in the restaurant--heads were turning--and that she could not make that sound one more time. I did all this right in front of aunt and grandma.
It was the first time I've really disciplined her in front of them but I'm feeling more confident all the time. I don't know if they felt uncomfortable but I sure didn't. I don't care who is there, my daughter is not going to be that brat that disturbs an entire restaurant.
If she would've done it again I would've stood up and taken her to the back and warned her that we'd be leaving immediately unless she settled down. She needs to learn how to behave appropriately in public and I've had enough interactions with aunt and grandma to know that they just don't know what is appropriate in the type of restaurant we were seated in.
4. After that everyone settled down and it was a nice visit. We chatted comfortably and laughed a lot. I helped the girls remember bits of our vacation to the beach last week so they could share memories with them. They told me stories about trips they'd taken with the girls to visit family, go camping, etc. I value this sharing of their past and present more than anything. It gives a whole picture of their lives. It's the main reason I want to maintain a connection with birth family.
Near the end I told them that we'd begun paperwork for adoption and that the process would be completed sometime around October. I then stressed that we expect to keep everything exactly the same. We'll still do visits. We'll still attempt to increase time so that eventually the girls can have a sleep over. I joked that when they turn 13 and hit the bratty stage they can just go live with them full time.
I did my best to reassure them that I was telling them this because I want to always be transparent and honest and don't want any event to catch them off guard and surprise them. I'm sure my words were only semi-reassuring, though. I know it was a difficult moment for them.
I'm struggling with understanding and grieving along with them and being patient---while also sprinting as hard as I can for this finish line because that moment represents stability and relief for me.
It is, always, a moment of contradiction. I think what is best for these girls is that they become part of our family and have limited interaction with them. At the same time I see the deep, searing pain they experience when they contemplate the state taking away their children and the looming potential that I'm lying and they could lose contact completely.
5. One more step in our long process. It feels like we're making progress in building experiences together. It also feels like this needs to be a long, careful process.
Some observations from the day:
1. When I told the girls they'd be seeing aunt and grandma they were happy but not as ecstatic as they have been in the past. They were as happy as they'd be if I said we were going to the grocery store, which they love. They were not as happy as if I'd said we were going to their favorite indoor play place with a gazillion fun activities.
My interpretation: they know they'll see them regularly and are growing confident in the routines we've established. There is less and less grief surrounding their separation from these family members all the time.
2. Dance recitals are immoral. Or at least this place's was. At the dress rehearsal I saw 10 yr old girls shaking their butts at the audience while...weirdly...their mother's whooped and hollered in encouragement. I cannot even begin to understand. And when I questioned whether I had to put make-up (we were encouraged to do lipstick, blush, mascara and eyeliner) on a 3 yr old I was stared at as if I had two heads.
Maybe I'm too sensitive because I'm hyper aware that sexual exploitation and abuse is real and girls who've been sexualized from a young age will struggle with healthy relationships throughout their lives. Maybe I'm just that boring old lady who doesn't want to dress the toddler like a slut.
Jane went onstage with a dab of pink lipstick and some blush--because it is fun to dress up; that's what the fluffy dress and tap shoes were all about--and she looked just fine without eyeliner and mascara.
3. At the restaurant I chose where everyone would sit. I placed Kate next to me because she needs help eating and Jane between aunt and grandma since she's the one they want to see anyway. (Their preference for Jane is becoming more pronounced all the time. They've told me repeatedly that Kate has a different father and so they're only really related to Jane, since they're paternal relatives. I don't really care except that I worry about the day Kate finds out and their rejection of her is yet another loss in her life.)
Soon after we sat down grandma started tickling Jane and she began shrieking this really loud, extremely high and piercing scream that she does when she thinks she's supposed to laugh but is too dis-regulated to react normally. At the first one I gave her a surprised/warning look. At the second I said her name and shook my head no. At the third I got her attention firmly and clearly told her that she was disturbing everyone else in the restaurant--heads were turning--and that she could not make that sound one more time. I did all this right in front of aunt and grandma.
It was the first time I've really disciplined her in front of them but I'm feeling more confident all the time. I don't know if they felt uncomfortable but I sure didn't. I don't care who is there, my daughter is not going to be that brat that disturbs an entire restaurant.
If she would've done it again I would've stood up and taken her to the back and warned her that we'd be leaving immediately unless she settled down. She needs to learn how to behave appropriately in public and I've had enough interactions with aunt and grandma to know that they just don't know what is appropriate in the type of restaurant we were seated in.
4. After that everyone settled down and it was a nice visit. We chatted comfortably and laughed a lot. I helped the girls remember bits of our vacation to the beach last week so they could share memories with them. They told me stories about trips they'd taken with the girls to visit family, go camping, etc. I value this sharing of their past and present more than anything. It gives a whole picture of their lives. It's the main reason I want to maintain a connection with birth family.
Near the end I told them that we'd begun paperwork for adoption and that the process would be completed sometime around October. I then stressed that we expect to keep everything exactly the same. We'll still do visits. We'll still attempt to increase time so that eventually the girls can have a sleep over. I joked that when they turn 13 and hit the bratty stage they can just go live with them full time.
I did my best to reassure them that I was telling them this because I want to always be transparent and honest and don't want any event to catch them off guard and surprise them. I'm sure my words were only semi-reassuring, though. I know it was a difficult moment for them.
I'm struggling with understanding and grieving along with them and being patient---while also sprinting as hard as I can for this finish line because that moment represents stability and relief for me.
It is, always, a moment of contradiction. I think what is best for these girls is that they become part of our family and have limited interaction with them. At the same time I see the deep, searing pain they experience when they contemplate the state taking away their children and the looming potential that I'm lying and they could lose contact completely.
5. One more step in our long process. It feels like we're making progress in building experiences together. It also feels like this needs to be a long, careful process.
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