Foster Further

My closest childhood friend died last month at age 44. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding. I delivered the eulogy at her funeral. A beautiful life only half-lived. The kind of friendship so deep we could imitate each other's mother's voices and had never kept a single secret from each other because there wasn't anything the other one didn't know already. I am feeling everything extra hard right now. I feel tender and raw. I feel like grief grabs me out of the blue and sends me on a roller coaster of emotion at the slightest provocation. And so I recognized the depths of grief that washed over Jane today. There's a certain stretch of road we often drive that has flowers planted by the sidewalk that trigger a memory for Jane. Often, as we pass them, she'll suddenly exclaim, "Mama Leah has flowers like that at her house!" Today, she saw them and then just utterly fell apart. It all came out in an incoherent rush. I miss her. I want her. I want to ...

I keep having these imaginary conversations in my head. Outwardly I'm driving or cleaning or folding laundry but inside I'm screaming, ranting, finger-wagging, castigating. Making that perfect point that puts my imaginary listener in his/her place. Makes them widen their eyes and take a step back before bowing their head and walking away, out of my life, forever. Why do we do this? I get in this state when there are too many things coming at me at once. I suppose I'm fantasizing that if only I'd responded perfectly the first time then those stressors would've gone away forever. Or maybe I'm just wanting them to feel the pain that now I'm suffering due to their stupidity. I never said I was a saint. Or maybe this endless replay of past events is akin to why we worry about future events. If I can just rehearse and rehearse until the grooves are worn smooth in my brain then I'll be prepared for next time... Here are the additional stressors that hav...

Today was better. Kids felt calmer. I think being at the cottage with Grandma for 3 days really disturbed Jane's equilibrium...but I also think that she has resettled quicker than she once would've been able to. One small, but HUGE thing happened this morning. Jane rode all the way to church and back, 20 min drive each way, without any singing. I know I sound like a curmudgeon but I have to clarify that it isn't really singing. It's toneless, mindless, repetitious droning of the same few syllables for miles and miles and miles. Even the therapist said it'd drive her batty when I demonstrated it for her once. I'm guessing that Jane rode in cars where the radio was blasting all the time. I'm guessing that no one ever spoke with her as she rode. I'm guessing that, in her need to orally process every single thing, and witnessing that she talks to herself endlessly while playing, the lull of the moving car reduced her to one sing-song phrase as she tried ...

We had a last-minute opportunity to go back to the family cottage and take the girls' Grandma with us. We were there for two nights, three days. It was lovely! Grandma was super easy going and helpful. I felt like I finally actually had a bit of a vacation while away with small children. There were several times she was at the beach with all three littles (plus one of the older boys for assistance) while I was up at the cottage calmly getting the next meal ready instead of frantically trying to simultaneously remove sand from three little bodies and get a meal on the table for a herd of hangry family members (including myself). She meshed amazingly well with our older boys--even playing a board game! True, it's a pretty low-key one that's easy to join (Codenames) but still, she was super tired and yet voluntarily came over to join when invited. I really appreciated her effort at 10pm after a long day in the sun. On our last morning Gus played his favorite prank on her...

It's summer; we live next to a farm; there are flies. By this time of year I'm well into the habit of tossing a towel or cloth napkin over any food sitting out for more than a second or two. Today everyone ate dinner at a different time--just one of those days. I called Jane into the house last, told her to wash her hands, and then said, "Your food is on the table. Go eat when you're done washing your hands." Five minutes later I'm walking through with a laundry basket of clothes to fold and there she is, in her usual spot at the table, looking lost and hungry. Sitting directly in front of her where her plate and drink always go, is a plate and drink...but covered with a cloth napkin. Same old cloth napkins we always use and that she's seen tossed over other food dishes. There is not one other thing on the table top. It is otherwise 100% empty. Her food is 2 inches from her hands. She can't find it. I kinda lose it. There's something about ...

Jane needs rules. Over the course of the summer we gradually relaxed her wake-up time rule. It was one of those errosions that happen due to parental fatigue over time. Last night I decided no more. I explained that she'd lost the privilege of  getting up on her own due to X behaviors that I named with her. I told her she could not get out of her bed for any reason except to go potty. She was to remain in her bed, silently without waking Kate, until I came to get her. This morning at 8:00 it was already about an hour later than she'd been getting up on her own and I felt I had to hurry and get her so she wouldn't feel abandoned. I went in there--and she was still asleep. Lesson: this girl cannot manage her body's most basic physical needs. She cannot stay asleep when she's tired if there's an opportunity to get up and roam unsupervised. She cannot say no to food when she's full if she sees someone else eating because the jealousy overcomes her. S...

I'm focused on Jane's lying because it seems like the next opportunity to forge a trusting, meaningful relationship between us. We lie to those we don't like or respect or need; or to those we feel afraid of. We tell the truth when we feel safe enough to be vulnerable. As long as she keeps lying there will always be a lack of trust and connection. But, just as her finally reaching out to us for comfort during medical events gave us the opportunity to meet her physical needs in a loving way; I want her to change her "muscle memory" of reflexively panicking and lying and treating us like someone she's afraid of, and work through the process that leads to trusting. It's going to be intensive work and require lots and lots of opportunities for practice. Luckily I'm pretty much a human bull dog in my tenacity and working kids through a process of intrinsic behavior change is my actual profession. Also, she's super young and stupid and tells ridiculo...

It's 2:15 and I've already run through the full gamut of daily experiences with Jane so I thought I'd use these, while they're fresh in my mind, to highlight what it's like to live with this particular child. Annoying Behavior She Knows Not To Do 7am she's at my bedside saying, "Mama, can I go downstairs?" I say yes. (This happens every morning and is a nut I cannot crack. We used to have her stay and play in her room when she awoke but now she wakes up Kate. Then I let her go downstairs without asking but then I discovered she was waking up super early for the delight of getting into mischief unsupervised downstairs. Now if she wakes me then at least I can either send her back to sleep if it's too early or roll out of bed soon after her.) This morning Theo was already downstairs so I told her to go and stayed in bed to try to sleep some more.  7:30am she's at my bedside saying, "Mama, can I feed the cats?" Now I'm pissed. I...

I write so much about Jane. She is, by far, the most disturbed child in our home. She does inexplicable things (maybe only due to the first three years of her life lived in a home of trauma, or maybe also due to Fetal Alcohol Syndrome in addition) that I need to work through my experiences with her by writing about them. But she isn't the only person in our home. So, as we launch into the transition from summer to another school year, here is where my family stands. Theo works from home most days but then has phases, due to the nature of a project, where he goes in to the work site, or travels out of state, or just works incredibly long hours from home. We love the flexibility but hate the constant demands on his time. As I've said to him, working from home means you are always working at home. Our marriage is in the best place it's ever been. 18 years of marriage and I think we've got this figured out. I wouldn't say we have less conflict--I'd just say t...

Our house is getting painted so the kids can't play outside due to the ladders. Yesterday we went to the zoo and today we went to a local pool and splash pad. (And now there's the extra challenge of keeping them just busy enough that they're content to rest when home but not so busy that Jane gets overly tired because now I know that can bring on a yet-to-be-officially-diagnosed neurological episode.) So I know Jane can develop tummy issues when she's stressed but she seemed to be okay after we returned from our mini-vacation last week. I guess not. Today at the pool she pooped herself. It's been months since she's done that. I chalk it up to constipation plus swimming? Who needs prunes when you've got a giant bath of warm salt-system water? Whatever works. Luckily I'd packed extra clothes, even including an extra swimsuit, so I helped her get cleaned up and changed and we resumed play, but not before she and I had a talk about her being too old (t...

We're deep in birthday season. June, July, August, September--one birthday after another in our family. And with foster care, and semi-open adoption, comes the new challenge of navigating these major events with extended family. For Kate's birthday back in March we chose a location near where most of them live and we invited a whole slew of people. So many people we didn't know well, just two days after the trial to terminate parental rights, that we honestly had code words and back-up plans for how to call the police and escape quickly if things go out of hand. It was insane and not something I want to repeat. But, I did use that time to watch and gauge the girls' reactions to people. I let their faces and actions tell me who they really liked and who I should trust. I crossed a few people emphatically off our personal list and they haven't seen the girls since. For Jane's birthday in September I have chosen a location closer to home and invited some, b...

Something shifted on Saturday. We are in a new stage I cannot yet name. (I'm sure it's in a book somewhere but it is really, really hard to read books about trauma when you are living with trauma even though obviously that's the key time to read those books. I know, I know.) But, back to this shift in Jane...Theo and I took a trip out of town Wed-Fri while my mom came to stay with the kids. (There was a great conference but also we just needed some time alone. I've never felt so depleted in my life as I have these past few months. So, we got a fancy hotel, ordered room service and/or slept every moment we weren't at the conference. Best thing we've ever done for ourselves and our marriage. Self-care is no joke, people. It's mandatory.) I'd made a picture calendar and showed it to the girls a few days before we left and together we'd crossed out the days while I answered their questions but, still, I knew they'd be upset that we were gone....