We're deep in birthday season. June, July, August, September--one birthday after another in our family.
And with foster care, and semi-open adoption, comes the new challenge of navigating these major events with extended family.
For Kate's birthday back in March we chose a location near where most of them live and we invited a whole slew of people. So many people we didn't know well, just two days after the trial to terminate parental rights, that we honestly had code words and back-up plans for how to call the police and escape quickly if things go out of hand.
It was insane and not something I want to repeat. But, I did use that time to watch and gauge the girls' reactions to people. I let their faces and actions tell me who they really liked and who I should trust. I crossed a few people emphatically off our personal list and they haven't seen the girls since.
For Jane's birthday in September I have chosen a location closer to home and invited some, but not all. I would feel like a total curmudgeon if I kept people from seeing the girls on their birthdays. We didn't do anything with them last Christmas because we hadn't even met any of them yet but this Christmas I'm sure we'll also do some kind of gathering.
So, if at minimum, this group of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, see the girls on their birthdays and Christmas that's March, September, and December. Seems reasonable, right? Nicely spaced out; hitting the big events; sounds perfect.
I think I can comfortably commit to hosting something for about 10-15 people three times a year.
But, here's the thing--how do I tell them that that's all they get? How can I justify, explain, spell out, the fact that these people are a lot of work and I don't really value their input all that much. Sure, I'd like family medical history info. Sure, I'd like the girls to not feel lost and cut off at the times in their lives when having bio family connections will matter. That's exactly why I'm willing to put in this much effort now.
But this is all I've got. I can't give any more than these three events. Sorry, the actual mothering of the children is more important than showing you how I'm mothering these children.
I don't want input from people who did such a rotten job these children were taken into care by the state. I don't want to assuage the feelings of messed up people who will only ever have unhealthy, high-drama relationships their whole lives.
The key issue here is that I regularly send pictures, along with cute notes about what was going on, to Grandma and Aunt. And they have told others that they get these pictures. So then Grandpa and Ex-Step-Grandpa have started asking why they can't have pictures, too.
And I don't have a good answer for them. It's stupidly easy to click on their names when sharing pictures and sometimes I do. But I don't want to.
Because...? Because...? It's so hard to put into words. I guess it's just because I don't want to let them in. Or rather, I don't want them to start thinking they're in.
I don't want to open a door where next they'll be asking to attend more than just birthdays. I don't want to manage and haul around even five extra people at every event in the girls' lives. Because these people are So. Much. Work.
They can't use GPS; their car dies; they don't know how to act in public; they need a smoke; they lost their phone; they didn't have cash for the park entrance fee, etc. etc. etc.
In a perfect world I've have the energy for everyone. But I don't. I have five kids and a husband. Just getting dinner on the table most nights is all I really need to be focusing on. Again, the actual mothering of these children, plus three others, must take precedence over arranging playdates in a park with adults who can't stay married, keep kids safe, or even hold down minimum wage jobs.
Yes, I'm judgy. But I have good reason. I'm the one helping a little girl unravel the trauma inflicted upon her while in the care of some of these people (because it wasn't just the bio parents caring for them 24/7. Heck, bio dad was in jail for most of their lives.)
But I suppose I do owe them an explanation. Theo and I should try to have an honest conversation where we thoughtfully and kindly commit to what we will do, while honestly conveying what we won't do. We should be the mature grown-ups and model this. I think we will...eventually.
But maybe after the adoption is finalized? I kinda want the authority to say--this is our family's plan because this is what we believe is in the girls' best interests. Our decision is final.
I value the help they'll be to the girls eventually. I do not have the energy to manage their crises right now. Can't everyone just understand that?!?
And with foster care, and semi-open adoption, comes the new challenge of navigating these major events with extended family.
For Kate's birthday back in March we chose a location near where most of them live and we invited a whole slew of people. So many people we didn't know well, just two days after the trial to terminate parental rights, that we honestly had code words and back-up plans for how to call the police and escape quickly if things go out of hand.
It was insane and not something I want to repeat. But, I did use that time to watch and gauge the girls' reactions to people. I let their faces and actions tell me who they really liked and who I should trust. I crossed a few people emphatically off our personal list and they haven't seen the girls since.
For Jane's birthday in September I have chosen a location closer to home and invited some, but not all. I would feel like a total curmudgeon if I kept people from seeing the girls on their birthdays. We didn't do anything with them last Christmas because we hadn't even met any of them yet but this Christmas I'm sure we'll also do some kind of gathering.
So, if at minimum, this group of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, see the girls on their birthdays and Christmas that's March, September, and December. Seems reasonable, right? Nicely spaced out; hitting the big events; sounds perfect.
I think I can comfortably commit to hosting something for about 10-15 people three times a year.
But, here's the thing--how do I tell them that that's all they get? How can I justify, explain, spell out, the fact that these people are a lot of work and I don't really value their input all that much. Sure, I'd like family medical history info. Sure, I'd like the girls to not feel lost and cut off at the times in their lives when having bio family connections will matter. That's exactly why I'm willing to put in this much effort now.
But this is all I've got. I can't give any more than these three events. Sorry, the actual mothering of the children is more important than showing you how I'm mothering these children.
I don't want input from people who did such a rotten job these children were taken into care by the state. I don't want to assuage the feelings of messed up people who will only ever have unhealthy, high-drama relationships their whole lives.
The key issue here is that I regularly send pictures, along with cute notes about what was going on, to Grandma and Aunt. And they have told others that they get these pictures. So then Grandpa and Ex-Step-Grandpa have started asking why they can't have pictures, too.
And I don't have a good answer for them. It's stupidly easy to click on their names when sharing pictures and sometimes I do. But I don't want to.
Because...? Because...? It's so hard to put into words. I guess it's just because I don't want to let them in. Or rather, I don't want them to start thinking they're in.
I don't want to open a door where next they'll be asking to attend more than just birthdays. I don't want to manage and haul around even five extra people at every event in the girls' lives. Because these people are So. Much. Work.
They can't use GPS; their car dies; they don't know how to act in public; they need a smoke; they lost their phone; they didn't have cash for the park entrance fee, etc. etc. etc.
In a perfect world I've have the energy for everyone. But I don't. I have five kids and a husband. Just getting dinner on the table most nights is all I really need to be focusing on. Again, the actual mothering of these children, plus three others, must take precedence over arranging playdates in a park with adults who can't stay married, keep kids safe, or even hold down minimum wage jobs.
Yes, I'm judgy. But I have good reason. I'm the one helping a little girl unravel the trauma inflicted upon her while in the care of some of these people (because it wasn't just the bio parents caring for them 24/7. Heck, bio dad was in jail for most of their lives.)
But I suppose I do owe them an explanation. Theo and I should try to have an honest conversation where we thoughtfully and kindly commit to what we will do, while honestly conveying what we won't do. We should be the mature grown-ups and model this. I think we will...eventually.
But maybe after the adoption is finalized? I kinda want the authority to say--this is our family's plan because this is what we believe is in the girls' best interests. Our decision is final.
I value the help they'll be to the girls eventually. I do not have the energy to manage their crises right now. Can't everyone just understand that?!?
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