We had a last-minute opportunity to go back to the family cottage and take the girls' Grandma with us. We were there for two nights, three days.
It was lovely! Grandma was super easy going and helpful. I felt like I finally actually had a bit of a vacation while away with small children. There were several times she was at the beach with all three littles (plus one of the older boys for assistance) while I was up at the cottage calmly getting the next meal ready instead of frantically trying to simultaneously remove sand from three little bodies and get a meal on the table for a herd of hangry family members (including myself).
She meshed amazingly well with our older boys--even playing a board game! True, it's a pretty low-key one that's easy to join (Codenames) but still, she was super tired and yet voluntarily came over to join when invited. I really appreciated her effort at 10pm after a long day in the sun.
On our last morning Gus played his favorite prank on her. There's a heating grate in the ceiling of the main room that can be accessed from a bedroom on the second floor. Gus is the perfect size to go upstairs, remove the grate, and then hang upside down so just his head appears through the ceiling. It's the spookiest thing ever because he does it silently, just waiting there till someone walks by before casually saying, "hi".
She gave an awesome reaction--total shriek and full-body flail, then laughing good naturedly at his prank. I hugged her afterwards and whispered in her ear, "Welcome to the family! We only do that to our favorite people!"
On our last morning she kept the littles happy outside while the rest of us packed and then cleaned. This is always a hectic time and I deeply appreciated her cheerful assistance.
But, the very best moment of all happened on our first night there. She and I stayed up late and had a real heart-to-heart until 2:00 in the morning. We cleared the air and were able to laugh about some misunderstandings from the early days. It was healthy to finally say out loud, "Well, no, I didn't like...!" or, "Of course I knew you didn't believe me when I said...".
About 1:00am I decided that she really, truly understood we will never allow her son to have access to the girls. I sat in that courtroom and heard enough details that I will never believe he could be safe or trusted or even just any kind of a positive influence on them. She convinced me that she truly understands she can only have access to the girls if she keeps our identity and address from him, and does not notify him when we're going to be in a public space like a school event.
So, in a very emotional moment with both of us leaking tears and hugging a lot, I wrote down our last name and address. It felt like the scariest leap of trust I've ever had to do but also like the necessary next move in developing this relationship. We made her wait six months and spend part of every other weekend during that time getting to know us and letting us get to know her. It was time. I trust her as much as I'll ever be able to.
I also told her that we'll be changing both girls middle names, as well as changing the spelling of *Kate's first name (it'll sound the same, we're just standardizing the spelling from trashy to mainstream). Given that she's 2 1/2 she won't ever know the difference until we show her her original birth certificate someday.
*All names in this blog are pseudonyms.
Happily she likes the new middle names and agrees the changed spelling will be easier for Kate to spell. Phew! I was really worried about that conversation. And I learned that Kate's new middle name is even Grandma's mother's first name! She was especially pleased about that.
So, as we drove home I thanked her profusely for her help and told her I was so happy because this trip was something I was super worried about and in fact it went better than I'd even imagined. Sometimes it isn't easy to vacation even with good friends but she was perfectly wonderful.
I think we were finally ready to accept and bond with each other as new family members. We joked that maybe we'll call each other Daughter-in-Law and Mother-in-Law (Theo's mother died before we were married and his step-mother actively discourages contact so it's a pretty low bar as far as I'm concerned.)
For my part, I know that the more I have realized how much she cared for the girls from their births, and was about the only loving relationship in their lives, the more my heart opens to her as a mom will love any other woman who loves her children.
On her part, she says she's finally accepted that the girls are better with us and she isn't angry about their removal anymore. She's grateful to just be grandma now and not kinda-mother to them every few days.
So, I am spending this moment feeling deeply grateful. We understand each other so much better now and both want this to work for the sake of the girls. It is good.
It was lovely! Grandma was super easy going and helpful. I felt like I finally actually had a bit of a vacation while away with small children. There were several times she was at the beach with all three littles (plus one of the older boys for assistance) while I was up at the cottage calmly getting the next meal ready instead of frantically trying to simultaneously remove sand from three little bodies and get a meal on the table for a herd of hangry family members (including myself).
She meshed amazingly well with our older boys--even playing a board game! True, it's a pretty low-key one that's easy to join (Codenames) but still, she was super tired and yet voluntarily came over to join when invited. I really appreciated her effort at 10pm after a long day in the sun.
On our last morning Gus played his favorite prank on her. There's a heating grate in the ceiling of the main room that can be accessed from a bedroom on the second floor. Gus is the perfect size to go upstairs, remove the grate, and then hang upside down so just his head appears through the ceiling. It's the spookiest thing ever because he does it silently, just waiting there till someone walks by before casually saying, "hi".
She gave an awesome reaction--total shriek and full-body flail, then laughing good naturedly at his prank. I hugged her afterwards and whispered in her ear, "Welcome to the family! We only do that to our favorite people!"
On our last morning she kept the littles happy outside while the rest of us packed and then cleaned. This is always a hectic time and I deeply appreciated her cheerful assistance.
But, the very best moment of all happened on our first night there. She and I stayed up late and had a real heart-to-heart until 2:00 in the morning. We cleared the air and were able to laugh about some misunderstandings from the early days. It was healthy to finally say out loud, "Well, no, I didn't like...!" or, "Of course I knew you didn't believe me when I said...".
About 1:00am I decided that she really, truly understood we will never allow her son to have access to the girls. I sat in that courtroom and heard enough details that I will never believe he could be safe or trusted or even just any kind of a positive influence on them. She convinced me that she truly understands she can only have access to the girls if she keeps our identity and address from him, and does not notify him when we're going to be in a public space like a school event.
So, in a very emotional moment with both of us leaking tears and hugging a lot, I wrote down our last name and address. It felt like the scariest leap of trust I've ever had to do but also like the necessary next move in developing this relationship. We made her wait six months and spend part of every other weekend during that time getting to know us and letting us get to know her. It was time. I trust her as much as I'll ever be able to.
I also told her that we'll be changing both girls middle names, as well as changing the spelling of *Kate's first name (it'll sound the same, we're just standardizing the spelling from trashy to mainstream). Given that she's 2 1/2 she won't ever know the difference until we show her her original birth certificate someday.
*All names in this blog are pseudonyms.
Happily she likes the new middle names and agrees the changed spelling will be easier for Kate to spell. Phew! I was really worried about that conversation. And I learned that Kate's new middle name is even Grandma's mother's first name! She was especially pleased about that.
So, as we drove home I thanked her profusely for her help and told her I was so happy because this trip was something I was super worried about and in fact it went better than I'd even imagined. Sometimes it isn't easy to vacation even with good friends but she was perfectly wonderful.
I think we were finally ready to accept and bond with each other as new family members. We joked that maybe we'll call each other Daughter-in-Law and Mother-in-Law (Theo's mother died before we were married and his step-mother actively discourages contact so it's a pretty low bar as far as I'm concerned.)
For my part, I know that the more I have realized how much she cared for the girls from their births, and was about the only loving relationship in their lives, the more my heart opens to her as a mom will love any other woman who loves her children.
On her part, she says she's finally accepted that the girls are better with us and she isn't angry about their removal anymore. She's grateful to just be grandma now and not kinda-mother to them every few days.
So, I am spending this moment feeling deeply grateful. We understand each other so much better now and both want this to work for the sake of the girls. It is good.
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