Foster Further

Since Jane and Kate came to us I've been annoyed by how Jane talks. She was 3 yrs, 2 months old but advanced for her age in her language skills. I felt she spoke as clearly and had nearly as big of a vocabulary as many 4 year olds. What annoyed me was something I have a hard time defining. I guess "whiny" and "passive aggressive" come close. For example, if she wanted some crackers she would look at the box and say, "Those are crackers!" and then, a few moments later, "I very like crackers!" (she has this cute speech pattern of using 'very' to mean 'really' and I wanted to capture it here before I forgot) I began using the phrase, "You are a strong, smart girl!" with a big smile followed by an explicit instruction on how I wanted her to behave. So, I'd say, "Jane, I know that you are a strong, smart girl and you can tell me just what you want. You can say, 'Can I have some crackers, please?'  a...

I feel the need to document how the girls acted after our return because I feel their behavior is indicative of so many important things: how they cope with and recover from the stress of change, how they manage grief, and how bonded to us they truly are. First, I've noticed that Jane becomes constipated any time she experiences interpersonal, relational stress. She would withhold bowel movements after every family visit, for example. So, it was no surprise to me that she quit having BMs about three days before we left on our trip when I first showed her the calendar I'd made showing when we'd leave and when we'd return. And, my mom reported that she had to resort to feeding prunes to help Jane go while we were gone. The first day we got back Jane was happy to see us with pretty typical 3-yr-old behaviors. Then, the second day she sought me out and began talking. We'd already done a script about care-giving with meals used to convey love and care the day before....

We got home from a six day road trip to look at colleges with our eldest son, Seth. We took all three boys, even James, the 3 yr old, but we left the two girls at home with my mom because we can't take them out of state and because we felt we needed some family time to reconnect. The trip started as one simple thing but kept getting bigger and longer as odd things got piled on. (We bought a car--because the next state over had cheaper prices. So now we can all ride together in one monster vehicle. The least fun, most practical car buying trip ever. "Least fun" pretty much characterizes most of our major decisions these days.) The trip was good for James. Back to his usual place of the youngest child with tons of attention from everyone. I noticed his vocabulary and speech complexity blossoming. And he was soooo happy and calm. Back to being our easy-going, unstressed, mostly compliant toddler. I loved and loved and loved on him, and still felt teary-eyed when we pulle...

We are on vacation. Half-way in and this may be the best family vacation we've ever had. Because everyone is just too tired to care. We're grateful for anything. Even sitting in a sterile hotel room all day long; even walking around a mediocre historical site on a cold, rainy day; even touring an upholstery museum is better than being home neck-deep in foster care land. This feels like those days after a newborn arrives and you're grateful just for a shower...except the whole family is in the midst of this emotional exhaustion, not just the mom.  We left the girls at our house with my mom. They've met her twice before and adore anyone called, "grandma" since their grandmothers have spoiled them rotten. I don't think they even cared that we left. (I know they didn't care. I made a calendar with visuals and talked about our trip for three days leading up to it. No reaction. No interest. These girls have lived in chaos for too long to expect anything ...

Today I told our two older sons, Seth and Gus, that a significant change had occurred and it was now more likely we'd be adopting the girls rather than seeing them leave our family at some point. True to form the eldest, Seth, asked lots of detail questions. All the facts, ma'am. Also true to form, Gus, the 12-yr-old, was quiet for a moment to let it sink in and then said, "I think I'd like that." Given that Gus probably has the most conflict with the girls on a day-to-day basis, and also experienced the greatest loss in direct correlation to their arrival (he lost his big bedroom when we divided it in half and then began sharing the new small room with his baby brother...tough stuff to cope with when you're 12 and wanting privacy), I was really surprised to hear him say anything positive. I asked him to explain. "Well," he said, "after putting all this work into raising them I'd like to see how they turn out...you know, to see if ...

Dear God I'm tired. Weary. In body and soul. Stress at work. And not the expected kind of stress I know how to cope with. This is the petty colleague, asinine administrator kind of stress that makes us wonder why we even bother. I stood at my kitchen sink drinking my coffee this morning and got a migraine just thinking about my day. Then, after work, had to rush home for a meeting with our licensing social worker. It's been six months since we were first licensed and this was the first renewal. Really important stuff like writing out our fire escape plan...again. Because it might have changed in six months? Still the same house, actually. Haven't removed any exits. Also needed copies of all our monthly bills and proof of our income. Even though we haven't had a change in employment or purchased our dream vacation home. Not getting that rich off the foster system yet. Same old numbers you saw six months ago. Why don't forms start with the assumption that we a...

Today was a huge day. And it came out of the blue. One of those completely average days when suddenly you open a little email that shifts your whole world. Here's some background: Jane and Kate came to us about 2.5 months ago. They were taken from their mother's home for the usual reasons kids come into foster care. Since that day we've been told an ever evolving series of futures to expect as the social workers got more information from CPS and after specific court events. A frustrating but understandable, and expected, part of doing foster care. First expectation: girls would be with us 6-9 months and then reunified with mom. Second expectation: girls were leaving within 1-2 weeks to live with aunt and uncle who would either foster or adopt. Next expectation: girls were staying with us until definitive court ruling on parental rights in order to provide stability; but, if rights terminated then would go to live with aunt and uncle immediately to begin adoption pro...

I think I need to write a blog. I keep searching for good blogs about foster care and none are exactly what I'm looking for. I need to read the work of deeply thinking people who are wrestling with the realities of opening their homes to strangers. But please be funny, too. And, mostly, I need to hear from people whose agenda does not include evangelizing--neither the Christian faith nor the lesbian lifestyle. I respect you both, but I'd rather just hear about the kids, thanks. So, here's the background info I'm always curious about when people provide a peek into their homes. Because context is everything. I'm Beth*. My husband, Theo, and I have been married for 17 years. We have three sons: Seth (16), Gus (12), and James (3). On November 30, 2018, we had two foster girls, Jane (3) and Kate (1) placed in our home. This is our first foster care placement. We are open to both fostering and adoption. (*All names are pseudonyms.) We live in the middle of the mi...