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How Girls Talk

Since Jane and Kate came to us I've been annoyed by how Jane talks.

She was 3 yrs, 2 months old but advanced for her age in her language skills. I felt she spoke as clearly and had nearly as big of a vocabulary as many 4 year olds.

What annoyed me was something I have a hard time defining. I guess "whiny" and "passive aggressive" come close. For example, if she wanted some crackers she would look at the box and say, "Those are crackers!" and then, a few moments later, "I very like crackers!" (she has this cute speech pattern of using 'very' to mean 'really' and I wanted to capture it here before I forgot)

I began using the phrase, "You are a strong, smart girl!" with a big smile followed by an explicit instruction on how I wanted her to behave. So, I'd say, "Jane, I know that you are a strong, smart girl and you can tell me just what you want. You can say, 'Can I have some crackers, please?'  and then I know what you want."

It was a little bit abstract for a 3 yr old but at least I felt she could parrot the speech pattern I wanted her to use even if the ideas of manipulation and passive-aggressive behavior are completely beyond her.

She still uses her old speech pattern most of the time. But at least now I can simply wait her out or give her a meaningful look and she'll self-correct within a minute or so.

I don't know why this bothers me so much. It absolutely grates on my nerves every time she does it.

I think it's because I've seen all the women in her family behave like helpless women who have to emotionally manipulate everyone around them in order to be successful in life.

I think it's because I don't have time to figure out hidden messages. I'm a straight-talking women who is the mother of three boys and has a husband in the tech world. Not a lot of indulging in nuance in our house.

Also, I hate whining. (which is a ridiculous statement--who likes whining?) But there are way too many parents who seem to equate whining with emotional health. Oh, we all need to express our emotions and then those emotions needs to be honored! Nope. Quit yer whining!

If you've fallen and hurt yourself I'll hold you and kiss the boo-boo. If you're mad or sad or frustrated or hungry or tired I'll help you name your feelings and then I'll give you a strategy for coping. But I then expect you to use that strategy and cope already!

I love having girls after three boys. We are all about the pink and hair bows and ballet class and dolls and playing house. I'm leading the girly-girl parade with full enthusiasm. But being female is not equivalent with being so weak you can't straight up ask for a cracker.


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