Foster Further

 I spent 5 weeks away from home for grad school. I knew it would be tough on the girls. Tried to put as many supports in place as possible.  They fared better than I'd expected. No major issues while I was gone. We've been home for five days now and Day 4 stuff finally came out.  Jane had been baby talking for several days. Then, Kate started it, too. Talked with each girl separately last night. Jane was quite articulate and mature--explaining how peeing herself, anger at me (both sad-anger because I was gone and also anger at anticipating getting in trouble), and baby talking and then being naughty were all connected. She can't say why these peeing and baby talking are connected to strong emotions about me, but she does know that they are. She can't say which comes first or how one leads to another but, again, she connects them as one.  Doesn't take a Freudian to observe that very young girls, neglected by their birth mother, would revert to baby like behaviors whe

 This morning I was preparing Jane for her day. Upbeat and warm, but factual. Running through my expectations for her (be kind to others, tell the truth, don't sneak) and the consequences (removal from play with others). It's a familiar routine and she participated in it easily. But at the end her face hardened and she was angry. I asked her to name her feelings. First she attempted to deflect, said she felt sad. I asked again. This time she looked me dead in the eye and said, "talking about the bad things makes me want to do them".  Well, at least she's honest. (which, truly, is huge) I asked her tell me more. She said that me telling her she can't lie makes her want to lie just to see if she can get away with it. (The honest truth is that when she said that it made me angry, just want to lock her in her room forever. I have to fight my impulse and not show any reaction that would feed into, and distract from, the goal. But it's hard for me to walk away f

 This week Jane went through the whole cycle so clearly I was predicting each stage before it happened. this means a) we've gone through this too many times, but also, b) she went through it pretty rapidly. Maybe we could call it progress that she took 12 hrs instead of 5 days for each stage?  She'd been having a couple good weeks. Maybe 3-4 weeks of generally positive emotions and interactions. Talking normally (no baby talk or imitation). Playing normally (small spats all siblings have but nothing diabolical). One episode of peeing herself but it seemed related to a bladder infection flare up, not behavior. No major sneaking/lying events.  And, the biggest change was that she seemed genuinely happy. She is funny! (who knew?) Her sense of humor was coming out since all the kids are in the stage where they love to tell jokes but can't really do them. She was relaxed and enjoyable for weeks. No tension; all natural behaviors. Nothing simmering under the surface; truly compan

 Last week the little sister, Kate, got in trouble for peeing herself and then lying about it. She's had a weak bladder her whole life and must be vigilant about going often or she has an accident. If she gets busy playing and nobody reminds her to go, it's inevitable.  I am annoyed at the hassle, but tolerant that it's a medical situation.  Then, tonight I realized Jane smelled like pee. There's no excuse. She can hold it for days if she wants to. She got in trouble (a cold shower to hose off her body). Then I realized her room stank and asked what was going on. She told me she'd been deliberately peeing herself each day for the last three days, "so that you'd smell it and think she did it and then she'd get in trouble."  She's a sociopath.  Who deliberately sits in their own pee for three days for the small thrill of getting their little sister yelled at?  Well, two can play at this manipulation fight. I called Kate into the room and then had

 We got through Christmas. It was fine. Jane held it together better than I thought she would. We went to an AirBnB for four days between Christmas and New Year. That was my gift to the rest of the family instead of presents. I gave Theo a break from everything--he did no meals or childcare. It was good. He got to rest and I took the kids to have fun experiences.  Now we're back to normal. The normal that is now our family. Everyone seems happy; content.  But then, two days ago, there was this tiny interaction between Jane and I that illustrates, for me, how broken our relationship is.  She's been complaining that her room is too hot. First, we closed the heat vent to her room. Then, I gave her several blankets so she has options for how warm she wants her bed to be. She has many types of pajamas and she can choose whatever she wants to wear. Her room is frigid compared to the rest of the house. Still, she complains. I think at this point it's just a thing with her--she has

 I've handed over Christmas to Theo this year. I simply don't want to do it. Any of it. The little I have done feels obligatory. I bought each kid an ornament to symbolize something important about their year--as I do every year--but that's it. I don't think there's any one reason I have absolutely zero Christmas spirit this year. But rather an accumulation of small things.  a) Jane's weirdness around holidays has made me dread Christmas since the drama filled week before her birthday last Sept.  b) The clutter in this house is getting too me. Too much time in a house filled with too many things--I want to throw it all away. The last thing I can stomach is adding more clutter to it. Last time I helped the kids clean their play room I was so angry about the chaos they created I told them I wasn't getting them a single toy for Christmas and I meant it.  c) The unfinished dining room projects make me, not quite angry, but annoyed and exasperated every single ti