Foster Further

 Last week the little sister, Kate, got in trouble for peeing herself and then lying about it. She's had a weak bladder her whole life and must be vigilant about going often or she has an accident. If she gets busy playing and nobody reminds her to go, it's inevitable.  I am annoyed at the hassle, but tolerant that it's a medical situation.  Then, tonight I realized Jane smelled like pee. There's no excuse. She can hold it for days if she wants to. She got in trouble (a cold shower to hose off her body). Then I realized her room stank and asked what was going on. She told me she'd been deliberately peeing herself each day for the last three days, "so that you'd smell it and think she did it and then she'd get in trouble."  She's a sociopath.  Who deliberately sits in their own pee for three days for the small thrill of getting their little sister yelled at?  Well, two can play at this manipulation fight. I called Kate into the room and then had...

 We got through Christmas. It was fine. Jane held it together better than I thought she would. We went to an AirBnB for four days between Christmas and New Year. That was my gift to the rest of the family instead of presents. I gave Theo a break from everything--he did no meals or childcare. It was good. He got to rest and I took the kids to have fun experiences.  Now we're back to normal. The normal that is now our family. Everyone seems happy; content.  But then, two days ago, there was this tiny interaction between Jane and I that illustrates, for me, how broken our relationship is.  She's been complaining that her room is too hot. First, we closed the heat vent to her room. Then, I gave her several blankets so she has options for how warm she wants her bed to be. She has many types of pajamas and she can choose whatever she wants to wear. Her room is frigid compared to the rest of the house. Still, she complains. I think at this point it's just a thing with her--...

 I've handed over Christmas to Theo this year. I simply don't want to do it. Any of it. The little I have done feels obligatory. I bought each kid an ornament to symbolize something important about their year--as I do every year--but that's it. I don't think there's any one reason I have absolutely zero Christmas spirit this year. But rather an accumulation of small things.  a) Jane's weirdness around holidays has made me dread Christmas since the drama filled week before her birthday last Sept.  b) The clutter in this house is getting too me. Too much time in a house filled with too many things--I want to throw it all away. The last thing I can stomach is adding more clutter to it. Last time I helped the kids clean their play room I was so angry about the chaos they created I told them I wasn't getting them a single toy for Christmas and I meant it.  c) The unfinished dining room projects make me, not quite angry, but annoyed and exasperated every single ti...

 I just installed a bell on her door. Loud and high and hung to be easily rung.  She told me that she regularly (2 out of 3 nights) sneaks out of her room to eavesdrop on us talking so she knows what's coming so she, "can plan to do naughty things". I am quoting her.  She's a sociopath. She is, right? What six yr old is so enthralled with being devious that they lay awake and plan for it? This is why I have no hope for a normal future.  Everything happened so clearly. Tues - visit with therapist; good. Wed-Sat - still good. Hugs and happiness all day long. Sunday - surprise call by Aunt I didn't have time to prep her for but that I naively thought might be okay since she was doing so well. Mon-Wed - baby talking; little lies; hyper vigilant and tense. I could feel the slow slide into abnormal starting. Wed night - sneaking out of her room; really defiant. Thur - lies and getting caught doing something naughty (she let the dog eat food that caused the dog to vomit,...

 Then there's the other side of Jane. The devious, sneaky, willfully naughty side. She isn't always the sad victim. Sometimes she's just plain naughty for absolutly no reason other than she wants to be. She hates being told. Makes her very angry to be told no over the tiniest thing. Last night she kept sneaking out of her room at bedtime. All day yesterday I knew she was lying about little things. Today more little lies and evasions.  I don't know what flips the switch and she decides to be naughty but it's clear to me now when she does. So, where does this go? How naughty will she choose to be before it's big enough I have to punish her? It's bizarrely weird this kind of pattern--knowing what's coming yet having to wait for it all to play out.

 We went to see our therapist a week ago today. I took Jane on the hour plus drive for an in person visit because I've realized that sometimes we're going to need that level of help. She likes going. It's an exhausting day for me. She has a cathartic experience and feels better afterwards.  After we got back I didn't want to lose the ground we'd made towards honesty and intimacy so I told her we'd chat for a bit in the evening every few days. Didn't want to promise to do it every night--bound to fail her and then that's a new problem.  We've had 3 chats over the past 7 days.  The first chat was really good. She told me every little thing and I could see that telling me about some things was definitely going to head off that little thing turning into a big thing down the road.  Then, on Sunday, her aunt called unexpectedly. She'd been doing so well and I didn't want to say no to the aunt so I let Jane talk to her. I could tell she was uncomfor...

 Eight days after the dentist cemented in a metal spacer that was meant to stay in until she was 12 or 13, Jane pulled it out. She confessed she'd been getting a fork whenever nobody was looking and trying to pry it out. I'd found her doing that 24 hrs after it was put in and she got in big, big trouble and I thought it was over. Nope. She was mad, she told me, that I told her it had to stay in. She cried, hard and genuine tears, about how much she hated the feel of this strange metal thing in her mouth. She said her tongue hurt all the time because she couldn't stop bumping her tongue against it (it ran all along the inside of her bottom teeth). All of these complaints are normal. Expected. If any of our other children would've had that apparatus in their mouth there would've been nonstop crying and tantruming. We would've been in hell addressing the issues nonstop for days. Not her. She never said a word. I truly believed everything was fine. She did not ask o...