Foster Further

 I just installed a bell on her door. Loud and high and hung to be easily rung.  She told me that she regularly (2 out of 3 nights) sneaks out of her room to eavesdrop on us talking so she knows what's coming so she, "can plan to do naughty things". I am quoting her.  She's a sociopath. She is, right? What six yr old is so enthralled with being devious that they lay awake and plan for it? This is why I have no hope for a normal future.  Everything happened so clearly. Tues - visit with therapist; good. Wed-Sat - still good. Hugs and happiness all day long. Sunday - surprise call by Aunt I didn't have time to prep her for but that I naively thought might be okay since she was doing so well. Mon-Wed - baby talking; little lies; hyper vigilant and tense. I could feel the slow slide into abnormal starting. Wed night - sneaking out of her room; really defiant. Thur - lies and getting caught doing something naughty (she let the dog eat food that caused the dog to vomit,...

 Then there's the other side of Jane. The devious, sneaky, willfully naughty side. She isn't always the sad victim. Sometimes she's just plain naughty for absolutly no reason other than she wants to be. She hates being told. Makes her very angry to be told no over the tiniest thing. Last night she kept sneaking out of her room at bedtime. All day yesterday I knew she was lying about little things. Today more little lies and evasions.  I don't know what flips the switch and she decides to be naughty but it's clear to me now when she does. So, where does this go? How naughty will she choose to be before it's big enough I have to punish her? It's bizarrely weird this kind of pattern--knowing what's coming yet having to wait for it all to play out.

 We went to see our therapist a week ago today. I took Jane on the hour plus drive for an in person visit because I've realized that sometimes we're going to need that level of help. She likes going. It's an exhausting day for me. She has a cathartic experience and feels better afterwards.  After we got back I didn't want to lose the ground we'd made towards honesty and intimacy so I told her we'd chat for a bit in the evening every few days. Didn't want to promise to do it every night--bound to fail her and then that's a new problem.  We've had 3 chats over the past 7 days.  The first chat was really good. She told me every little thing and I could see that telling me about some things was definitely going to head off that little thing turning into a big thing down the road.  Then, on Sunday, her aunt called unexpectedly. She'd been doing so well and I didn't want to say no to the aunt so I let Jane talk to her. I could tell she was uncomfor...

 Eight days after the dentist cemented in a metal spacer that was meant to stay in until she was 12 or 13, Jane pulled it out. She confessed she'd been getting a fork whenever nobody was looking and trying to pry it out. I'd found her doing that 24 hrs after it was put in and she got in big, big trouble and I thought it was over. Nope. She was mad, she told me, that I told her it had to stay in. She cried, hard and genuine tears, about how much she hated the feel of this strange metal thing in her mouth. She said her tongue hurt all the time because she couldn't stop bumping her tongue against it (it ran all along the inside of her bottom teeth). All of these complaints are normal. Expected. If any of our other children would've had that apparatus in their mouth there would've been nonstop crying and tantruming. We would've been in hell addressing the issues nonstop for days. Not her. She never said a word. I truly believed everything was fine. She did not ask o...

  This morning Jane had her third dentist appt. They had to insert a spacer. It was painful. She's gone every 2 weeks for a total of 3 trips now. After the first two trips I could see she'd been crying (they don't allow parents back there) when she came out to me. I mentioned it and gave her a hug but she shrugged it off; wouldn't talk about being upset. On the car ride home she plays frenetically with the trinkets they give the kids, while baby-talking, till she breaks them. On the way home from today's visit I knew she had to be in pain since they'd told me she would be. I asked something along the lines of, "does it hurt?" and she denied it. So, I rephrased. "Jane, I noticed you are baby-talking. I wonder if you're doing that because you want comfort and attention from me after this scary thing just happened to you?" She said yes and started to cry! (to my surprise; it was a radical 180 switch in her behavior from loud/silly/play to re...

 It's been an awful weekend as a culmination of a terrible two weeks. Jane lost all her Halloween candy one week after Halloween for sneaking food. That seemed to have broken the good streak and sent her on an angry spiral.  She is starting to tell us more when we confront her about her behavior. More anger and grief about being adopted. Just admitting that is new--she'd always deny any feelings of loss when I brought it up before.  As I type this she's seated on the floor of my bedroom just out of sight (because I can't stand to have her staring at me) but still in the same room I'm in because she won't even stay in her room or the attic playroom when told to anymore. It used to be if I needed to isolate her I could trust her to stay. Now that's gone, too. This morning she snuck out of her room, got a cat, and then was physically abusing the cat. I happened to go in her room for some other reason and the cat made a beeline out, which clued me in.  I kinda l...

 It's been several weeks since The Big Consequence of losing a toy if Jane lies was enacted. After that first day when we took two trips she hadn't had another incident. It felt miraculous; and tentative.  But, also, it was wondrous to see her finally blooming. I feel like she's become happier by the day. Now that she herself has finally decided to live an honest and open life she's so much more affectionate and healthy in her interactions. No more always trying to monitor everything so she could gauge how to respond; always guarding her true feelings.  I also think she's become more resilient. If I do have to discipline her for something now it feels like she can bounce back and return to a calm, connected state quicker. I used to worry that one incident could send her reeling for days--and always with the looming fear that she'd do something harmful in retaliation. Now, if she forgets to put her shoes away I can tell her and it's no big deal.  So, after we...