Foster Further

 I've handed over Christmas to Theo this year. I simply don't want to do it. Any of it. The little I have done feels obligatory. I bought each kid an ornament to symbolize something important about their year--as I do every year--but that's it. I don't think there's any one reason I have absolutely zero Christmas spirit this year. But rather an accumulation of small things.  a) Jane's weirdness around holidays has made me dread Christmas since the drama filled week before her birthday last Sept.  b) The clutter in this house is getting too me. Too much time in a house filled with too many things--I want to throw it all away. The last thing I can stomach is adding more clutter to it. Last time I helped the kids clean their play room I was so angry about the chaos they created I told them I wasn't getting them a single toy for Christmas and I meant it.  c) The unfinished dining room projects make me, not quite angry, but annoyed and exasperated every single ti...

 I just installed a bell on her door. Loud and high and hung to be easily rung.  She told me that she regularly (2 out of 3 nights) sneaks out of her room to eavesdrop on us talking so she knows what's coming so she, "can plan to do naughty things". I am quoting her.  She's a sociopath. She is, right? What six yr old is so enthralled with being devious that they lay awake and plan for it? This is why I have no hope for a normal future.  Everything happened so clearly. Tues - visit with therapist; good. Wed-Sat - still good. Hugs and happiness all day long. Sunday - surprise call by Aunt I didn't have time to prep her for but that I naively thought might be okay since she was doing so well. Mon-Wed - baby talking; little lies; hyper vigilant and tense. I could feel the slow slide into abnormal starting. Wed night - sneaking out of her room; really defiant. Thur - lies and getting caught doing something naughty (she let the dog eat food that caused the dog to vomit,...

 Then there's the other side of Jane. The devious, sneaky, willfully naughty side. She isn't always the sad victim. Sometimes she's just plain naughty for absolutly no reason other than she wants to be. She hates being told. Makes her very angry to be told no over the tiniest thing. Last night she kept sneaking out of her room at bedtime. All day yesterday I knew she was lying about little things. Today more little lies and evasions.  I don't know what flips the switch and she decides to be naughty but it's clear to me now when she does. So, where does this go? How naughty will she choose to be before it's big enough I have to punish her? It's bizarrely weird this kind of pattern--knowing what's coming yet having to wait for it all to play out.

 We went to see our therapist a week ago today. I took Jane on the hour plus drive for an in person visit because I've realized that sometimes we're going to need that level of help. She likes going. It's an exhausting day for me. She has a cathartic experience and feels better afterwards.  After we got back I didn't want to lose the ground we'd made towards honesty and intimacy so I told her we'd chat for a bit in the evening every few days. Didn't want to promise to do it every night--bound to fail her and then that's a new problem.  We've had 3 chats over the past 7 days.  The first chat was really good. She told me every little thing and I could see that telling me about some things was definitely going to head off that little thing turning into a big thing down the road.  Then, on Sunday, her aunt called unexpectedly. She'd been doing so well and I didn't want to say no to the aunt so I let Jane talk to her. I could tell she was uncomfor...