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The Therapist Says... (A Series, Part One)

 On Friday I speak with our therapist via Zoom. He is part of a group that specializes in adoption. We've met about 4 times now and it occurs to me that I should be writing down some ideas and suggestions he has for me. And then recording how it goes when I try to follow through. 

Last week we discussed Jane's habit of baby talking. It irritates the hell out of me and nothing I've tried has worked to extinguish the behavior. After listening to all my strategies that have failed he said something along the lines of, "meet the need while ignoring the behavior". Meaning--she's baby talking as an expression of a desire for mothering/care/attention so meet that need without reinforcing that she has to baby talk in order to get it. Rather, ignore the speech altogether. 

This sounds like an excellent idea. It is also almost impossible to do in practice. I'm pretty much failing utterly. Can't think of a single successful example. 

All I can say is that I am successfully ignoring the behavior and no longer telling her to stop talking that way. Most of the time. Sometimes, at her most egregious, when her attitude is so petulant and whiny, then I do tell her to stop because I simply wouldn't allow any of my children to be such a brat. But, those moments are rare. Most of the time I ignore the baby talking. 

Where I utterly fail is walking over to her, as the therapist suggested, and hugging her and offering her something that meets a need for being cared for. Meeting the need while never acknowledging the thing that led to it as a way of reassuring her that she is cared for all the time. Just can't do it yet. Still in the goal category. 

Today's session was about how to talk to Jane more about her adoption. I've been feeling that perhaps she wants more information. And, I've been aware that she's confused about maternal love vs. abandonment. Every time she gets in trouble now she cries and says, "Do you still love me?" Even though I say yes, clearly the issue is deeper than one question. I understand that as she matures she's going to have deeper questions about why she was placed for adoption. Did her mother abandon her? If so, what did Jane do to cause her mother to do that? And, does this mean I could also abandon her at some point?

In response to my question about how to proceed the therapist said I should still keep it very simple, given her age (just 5.5 yrs). Essentially focusing on her first mother's own lack of a mother (Jane's maternal grandmother abandoned the family when Jane's first mother was 5) and explaining that since Jane's mother didn't have a good mom she didn't learn how to be a mom and she made mistakes with Jane and Kate that led to an unsafe house where they couldn't live. 

In contrast, I had a good mom so I know how to be a mom and I will always take care of her and love her. The moms in my family stay around and keep their kids and never abandon them. 

The therapist says she's too young to introduce the topic of drugs and addiction. I agree. I wasn't sure how to bring that up in a way she could understand and differentiate from regular medicine we take. 

I'm very grateful for his advice. It feels reassuring to talk through my questions and get concrete advice. Even if I can't follow it now, at least I can see that path to head down.


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