Skip to main content

The Therapist Says... (A Series, Part One)

 On Friday I speak with our therapist via Zoom. He is part of a group that specializes in adoption. We've met about 4 times now and it occurs to me that I should be writing down some ideas and suggestions he has for me. And then recording how it goes when I try to follow through. 

Last week we discussed Jane's habit of baby talking. It irritates the hell out of me and nothing I've tried has worked to extinguish the behavior. After listening to all my strategies that have failed he said something along the lines of, "meet the need while ignoring the behavior". Meaning--she's baby talking as an expression of a desire for mothering/care/attention so meet that need without reinforcing that she has to baby talk in order to get it. Rather, ignore the speech altogether. 

This sounds like an excellent idea. It is also almost impossible to do in practice. I'm pretty much failing utterly. Can't think of a single successful example. 

All I can say is that I am successfully ignoring the behavior and no longer telling her to stop talking that way. Most of the time. Sometimes, at her most egregious, when her attitude is so petulant and whiny, then I do tell her to stop because I simply wouldn't allow any of my children to be such a brat. But, those moments are rare. Most of the time I ignore the baby talking. 

Where I utterly fail is walking over to her, as the therapist suggested, and hugging her and offering her something that meets a need for being cared for. Meeting the need while never acknowledging the thing that led to it as a way of reassuring her that she is cared for all the time. Just can't do it yet. Still in the goal category. 

Today's session was about how to talk to Jane more about her adoption. I've been feeling that perhaps she wants more information. And, I've been aware that she's confused about maternal love vs. abandonment. Every time she gets in trouble now she cries and says, "Do you still love me?" Even though I say yes, clearly the issue is deeper than one question. I understand that as she matures she's going to have deeper questions about why she was placed for adoption. Did her mother abandon her? If so, what did Jane do to cause her mother to do that? And, does this mean I could also abandon her at some point?

In response to my question about how to proceed the therapist said I should still keep it very simple, given her age (just 5.5 yrs). Essentially focusing on her first mother's own lack of a mother (Jane's maternal grandmother abandoned the family when Jane's first mother was 5) and explaining that since Jane's mother didn't have a good mom she didn't learn how to be a mom and she made mistakes with Jane and Kate that led to an unsafe house where they couldn't live. 

In contrast, I had a good mom so I know how to be a mom and I will always take care of her and love her. The moms in my family stay around and keep their kids and never abandon them. 

The therapist says she's too young to introduce the topic of drugs and addiction. I agree. I wasn't sure how to bring that up in a way she could understand and differentiate from regular medicine we take. 

I'm very grateful for his advice. It feels reassuring to talk through my questions and get concrete advice. Even if I can't follow it now, at least I can see that path to head down.


Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Lied.

For the very first time I lied to a birth family member. I've been brutally honest even when it caused an uproar. I've been honest because I was personally committed to always telling the truth. Until now. Because this lie may actually be the best way to preserve Jane's relationship with her birth family. At our last video call with Grandma Jane seemed uninterested, unengaged, not showing any real emotion. I struggled to find things to prompt her to talk about. Over the next two weeks I waited and she never asked for another call. In the third week I casually brought up the topic and she did not really respond, certainly didn't ask for another call. Finally, yesterday I point blank asked if she wanted to do a video call and she said the word yes but her whole body language said no. It was clear that she was saying yes because she thought she was supposed to, not because she wanted to. So, I took her body language rather than her words and made the decision that we...
Post a Comment
Read more

Nope, Just Halloween Hades

GRANDMA'S RESPONSE It was fine. Daytime trick or treating at the fairgrounds with Grandma was perfectly fine. She never even asked about school. She never asked about our next get together. In fact, she didn't do much except point out other fun costumes people were wearing.  Here's what I forgot: she's the most conflict averse person I've ever met. She doesn't want to talk about any unpleasant topics. She doesn't want to think about anything unhappy. She wants to live in a childish bubble of candy and cartoons. I don't think she even realizes that kids are old enough to be in Kindergarten. I don't think she even thinks about such things. In fact, she didn't truly talk to the kids that much. She was super happy they gave her hugs at the beginning. She liked the fun of the event and escorting kids was a great way to have fun.  Really, the kids are just props so she can feel like a fun grandma. She doesn't really want a relationship. She wants p...
Post a Comment
Read more

What Chronic Lying Does to a Relationship

 We got through Christmas. It was fine. Jane held it together better than I thought she would. We went to an AirBnB for four days between Christmas and New Year. That was my gift to the rest of the family instead of presents. I gave Theo a break from everything--he did no meals or childcare. It was good. He got to rest and I took the kids to have fun experiences.  Now we're back to normal. The normal that is now our family. Everyone seems happy; content.  But then, two days ago, there was this tiny interaction between Jane and I that illustrates, for me, how broken our relationship is.  She's been complaining that her room is too hot. First, we closed the heat vent to her room. Then, I gave her several blankets so she has options for how warm she wants her bed to be. She has many types of pajamas and she can choose whatever she wants to wear. Her room is frigid compared to the rest of the house. Still, she complains. I think at this point it's just a thing with her--...
Post a Comment
Read more