Tomorrow the kids will do a daytime Trunk or Treat event with Grandma. I suggested the outing about two months ago, chose the event, coordinated a meeting place with her, bought the kids costumes, prepped them for it, and now it's happening. I did it all. And I am dreading it with every fiber in my being. All this week my mood has been sliding downhill the closer it gets.
I hate meet ups with Grandma. There was a time when I hated them less, now I hate them with visceral dread. Why? Because I don't want Grandma to know where the girls are in school.
It was a huge mistake to tell her our home address and last name. A few weeks after we did that I got a phone call from a relative telling me about Grandma sneaking her son back into other grandchildren's lives. The relative warned me to "look in the back seat of her car" in case she was hiding him in there when she came to visit us. Needless to say, she was never invited to our house again.
So, what do I do? Yes, I've already told the school never to release the kids to her. But there are school events and outings she could find out about on their website.
Do I tell the girls not to talk about school when around her? Do I coach them to lie? At this age it's almost possible. She's never asked about school (I don't think she even realizes Jane is old enough for Kindergarten and since I did a homeschool preschool last year she may think I'm still doing that in this time of Covid). So, she may never bring up school. She's never asked me about it so far.
The kids are young enough to not really know the name of their school. I can tell them to say the name of our local public school if asked. They don't know they go to a private school in another town. It's the only school they've ever been in. I could tell them to say any name and they'd be clueless.
Theo says that if asked we should admit they go to a private Catholic school but refuse to say which one. There are about five within reasonable driving distance of our house. I feel like that's even weirder. To tell a half truth but not all? How do I explain that face-to-face: "I'm not going to tell you the name because, well, I have my own reasons." How is that a good plan?
I keep trying to play this out. What will I have wished I'd done three years from now? How long can the kids lie, or be suitably lied to by me that they don't know they're lying?
If the kids do talk about their teacher do I make a true, but misleading statement, like: "Yes, they have a teacher but X public school is online." It's true our local public is online. I'd be stating a fact. That could kinda give a cover for why they say they have a teacher but why I haven't told Grandma that they "go to school" if she thought they were doing school from home.
All of it is stupid.
I don't like the gray. It makes me ill to lie. I want to either cut her out of their lives except via pictures I send, or have her fully in it with no secrets. I hate that I did what I thought was the good, brave thing by letting her fully in but then I was warned away for serious reasons.
If she isn't safe enough not to endanger them with her own son, then she shouldn't be allowed to see them at all. That's what I'd easily advise anyone else. I'd say, you have enough stress just raising 5 kids, she lost her rights to them. You don't have to bring this stress on yourself because she's not safe. And those are her choices she made, not yours, and these are the consequences of her choices. You can still be a good person who allows pictures and letters but no in person visits.
But how do I back away now?
I don't want to be the mean person who separates the girls from all birth family. Of all the options for contact we narrowed it down to only 2 who we thought were both genuinely interested and safe enough. We thought we chose carefully. We thought it was right to be brave and make the connection.
We were wrong.
What else are we going to be wrong about? I just want out. I want this last stressor out of our lives. The farther we get away from foster and the adoption the better life gets. Girls are happier; I am more relaxed. Every time we have to wade back into their past lives it's just shitty.
I have sent pictures (via an online website) every single month for over 1.5 years. I send a slew of them. 20-30 each month. Documenting big and little things. I write emails explaining what's going on. I have no problem continuing to do this for years and years. It's much more than some adoptive people do. It could be enough if I said it was enough.
Can I pull the plug on visits? With Covid resurging and the weather getting worse--that's a good cover for a few more months, right?
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