Skip to main content

The Quote

 While reading a blog by an adoptee I ran across this quote: "I love my adoptive parents and I hate that I was adopted." 

I don't know why the harsh simplicity of that statement spoke to me so strongly but it literally stopped my eyes on the page. I reread and reread it. There it is. All the complexity of adoption in one simple sentence. All the beauty and pain; love and fear; the lived journey and missing holes; simply, the truth.

After clicking on this author's bio I read an entire post about Adoption Loyalty. It spoke about how the adoptee fears loss to such an extent that he/she will fake being okay about his/her adoption in order to avoid displeasing the adoptive parents. When adoptive parents pretend all is okay then the adoptee must also pretend or fear being rejected again. So well written and powerful. I've read a lot about adoptees rejecting their parents but never before have I seen a lengthy essay about this painful form of loyalty. 

Thing to mull over. Sometimes my late night obsessive reading about adoption is a good thing.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

I Lied.

For the very first time I lied to a birth family member. I've been brutally honest even when it caused an uproar. I've been honest because I was personally committed to always telling the truth. Until now. Because this lie may actually be the best way to preserve Jane's relationship with her birth family. At our last video call with Grandma Jane seemed uninterested, unengaged, not showing any real emotion. I struggled to find things to prompt her to talk about. Over the next two weeks I waited and she never asked for another call. In the third week I casually brought up the topic and she did not really respond, certainly didn't ask for another call. Finally, yesterday I point blank asked if she wanted to do a video call and she said the word yes but her whole body language said no. It was clear that she was saying yes because she thought she was supposed to, not because she wanted to. So, I took her body language rather than her words and made the decision that we...

Nope, Just Halloween Hades

GRANDMA'S RESPONSE It was fine. Daytime trick or treating at the fairgrounds with Grandma was perfectly fine. She never even asked about school. She never asked about our next get together. In fact, she didn't do much except point out other fun costumes people were wearing.  Here's what I forgot: she's the most conflict averse person I've ever met. She doesn't want to talk about any unpleasant topics. She doesn't want to think about anything unhappy. She wants to live in a childish bubble of candy and cartoons. I don't think she even realizes that kids are old enough to be in Kindergarten. I don't think she even thinks about such things. In fact, she didn't truly talk to the kids that much. She was super happy they gave her hugs at the beginning. She liked the fun of the event and escorting kids was a great way to have fun.  Really, the kids are just props so she can feel like a fun grandma. She doesn't really want a relationship. She wants p...

So What About Mother's Day?

I was looking ahead on the calendar to our next visit and suddenly realized it fell during Mother's Day weekend. A flood of mixed emotions hit me immediately. Mother's Day is not a deeply important holiday to me. It's nice and all but I've never had super big emotions about it.  The girls can't know what it is yet and won't have any big feelings this year. But...years from now...will this be a uniquely difficult holiday?  So if no one cares right now can I just kinda slide this one under the rug and avoid all the drama? Please, please, please someone confirm this is a real option!?! Ugh, but what about the birth family. Is this a big deal for them? Are there major traditions? Will this be a minefield of potential hurt feelings? Is there a tactful way to call them up and say, so, on a scale of 1 to 10 how invested are you into making this a big rigamarole? While thinking this through I did some googling and found that the local zoo does a special Mother...