Vague Speech Patterns

 Since Jane came to our home I have noted that she uses indirect vocabulary when having a conversation with me. It's only when some factual/informational is being shared. If she's telling a story then she uses full details and descriptive words and good action verbs to describe everything fully. 

Today is a perfect example. We're doing a kitchen remodel and today we put new hardware on the drawers and cupboard doors. Previously there was no hardware at all. The kids ran inside, skidded to a stop at the sight of Gus and I working, and Jane blurted out, "I think something is different." A second later, Kate exclaimed, "You put on new openers!" (She didn't know the word for drawer pulls and knobs.)

So, the first and most important question: why does this annoy me? 

It sets my teeth on edge every damn time. Why? I can easily ignore her stutter without the tiniest bit of irritation. But baby-talking and indirect speech drive me batty. 

My best guess is that I view the stutter as involuntary whereas baby-talking and vague/indirect speech appears voluntary to me since she only does it in specific situations or when in a certain mood. I see it as attention-getting and not genuine. I see it as manipulative. 

But then, the second question is, am I right? Is it manipulative? Is she trying to engage a conversation as a way of attention-seeking? When she says, "something is different" then I'm obligated to respond. I have to say yes or no or name the difference for her. I have to choose some sort of verbal response. She throws out a volley and I have to lob the conversation back. This isn't a bad thing at all.  So why does it feel wrong?

After Kate said, "You put on new openers!" I responded with a simple, "uh huh". It felt easy and natural. It was still a response to a conversation she began so it's not like I don't want to engage with my children. But why did it feel non-stressful to respond to Kate whereas it felt stressful to have to respond to Jane? 

I think the deeper issue is that I hate it when adult women pretend to be stupider than they are. I detest the kind of woman who baby-talks or pretends not to know something or how something works. Jane's indirect speech is, to me, reflective of a choice to appear stupider than she is. There have been hundreds of times when her actions reveal she fully understands something even while her fake-helpless speech makes it appear that she doesn't. 

Asking, "what do I do next?" while standing 2 inches away from the socks I've laid out for her to put on and while looking directly at the socks, makes me crazy. I mean, I'm not alone in this, right?

I suppose this all goes back to trauma and lack of attachment and lack of trust and lack of confidence and the need to be cared for and the need to receive attention.... I know all of this. But it doesn't stop me from being irritated all the same. 

And the result is that I just don't respond to her at all. I don't want to be sarcastic or irritable with my children. I don't want to snipe back with a rude response. So, I say nothing at all. In the getting dressed example above, I might say, "figure it out, Jane" (because she already has a visual chart that I made her showing the order to put on each clothing item) but most of the time I say nothing at all so as not to add an angry tone to our interactions. And, most of the time, two seconds later she'll say, "oh yeah" and put on the socks. Once in awhile, if she's in a particularly pissy mood, she'll continue to pretend she doesn't know what to do and then I speak to her firmly and tell her there will be a consequence if she doesn't get dressed quickly. Then she immediately complies. Which, unfortunately, reinforces to me that it's all manipulation and not true forgetfulness.

When I ignored her comment about the hardware but responded to Kate's comment everyone was included in the conversation and it wasn't obvious that I was ignoring her. That's what I usually do. I try not to engage with the baby talk or the fake helpless vagueness. 

Something to bring up with the therapist one of these days.