Jane is very rarely ill. She has a gut of steel (I wonder if this is due to her first years in an unclean environment as I've heard kids exposed to a lot develop a strong immune system--if so, it's the one positive to come out of her home life.)
But this weekend she had a fever for three days. She would not tell me that anything else hurt (throat, tummy, headache, etc.). But, she also had that look on her face when I'd ask that told me she wasn't sure what the right answer was but she cared more about telling me what she imagined I wanted to hear than the truth. Just one example of a time when it's so frustrating to live with a child who cannot tell the truth. Just simply asking a kid if their throat hurts and then watching them go into this neurotic spiral. Exhausting.
Anyway, I finally got her in for a covid test and it was negative, and she's been fever free for 24hrs so she's back at school today. Doc had no idea why she had the fever, no ear infection, etc.
But, I'm recording this because Day 2 of her being sick I made this observation to Theo: she's normal when she's sick. She speaks normally (no baby talk, no vagueness), she acts normally (the list of her weird behaviors is too long to even begin to give examples here), she's calm (no hyper-alert vigilance monitoring and reacting to everyone's mood). She's easy to be around.
We like her when she's sick. We like being around her and talking to her. We like her.
I imagine it's because she's too exhausted to maintain all the artificial behaviors she normally holds onto every moment she's around people.
(She's also happiest when she's alone outside. I know it's because she can be alone out there. Our yard is fenced in and the kids mostly play unsupervised. She can just relax and be herself when nobody is watching.)
When she was sick I spent a lot of time with her. She loves this kind of attention--receiving care-giving. I brought her food and drinks and blankets and let her pick whatever cartoon she wanted to watch. She responded normally (e.g. asking clearly for what she wanted). She sat on my lap for the covid test and I held and soothed her when she cried afterwards. She loved all of it.
Then, last night, after a full day of feeling better, it was time to get on her pajamas and she was back to her old behaviors. I heard her struggling and crying while trying to get her nightgown on. She wouldn't ask for help. When I did show up to help her she was defensive and difficult and told weird lies. Why? It's just a damn nightgown! Why?? She had three days of healthy behavior...didn't that feel good and wouldn't she want to continue in that pattern?
I can give her what she wants--attention and care--when she's sick and behaves like your average 5 yr old girl. I struggle to give it to her when she's healthy because she creates so many barriers to normal interactions. Seven months from now she'll have spent half her lifetime in our home. Then will she be normal? After we tip over the halfway point will she begin to accept our love and home and family and believe she belongs in it?
I am weirdly sad after good interactions with her. Catching a glimpse of how nice life could be (not feeling an edge every second I'm around one of my children! A miracle!) but then watching it go away while she returns to her old behaviors...it just makes me depressed.
I knew she was feeling better when I heard her baby talk.
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