The Decision to Discontinue a Relationship with Birth Family

 I spoke with a therapist today about everything that happened over the last two days. Her responses were deeply insightful. 

Some key take-aways. 

• In an open adoption with healthy adults involved we can expect the child to display some signs of grief after a family visit. They may be whiny or tired or irritable. This is to be expected and can be supported and the child can work through their grief over time. 
• The physical disassociation from her body that Jane experienced after the call with birth grandma goes beyond grief. She had a trauma response. It would not be healthy to repeatedly re-traumatize her with more visits. 
• Grandma is not a positive person, nor is she trust-worthy. The therapist was extremely disturbed the breaches of trust in the past (trying to sneak the grandkids into contact with her son, against court orders; sharing private pictures I was only sending to her with people not allowed to see them).
• Every time Grandma expressed fears that I'd cut her off, or stop sending the pictures, I interpreted that as a plea for reassurance from me that I'm a good person. I'd bend over backwards promising to never cut her off from her grandkids. Now, in hindsight, I can see she was really checking to see if I'd discovered the shitty thing she'd done. It took a few months for me to know about several of these breaches of trust and Grandma was just probing to see if I'd found out yet. She knew she was guilty and was expressing her guilt--not looking for reassurances of my kindness.

In summary, Jane is our daughter and we must keep her safe. We do not need to place her in an unhealthy relationship with people who break our trust. We do not owe them access to her. There was no stipulation in the adoption that connection with birth family be maintained. Jane is clearly communicating that the visits are traumatic; we need to honor that. 

I believe the most important part of the conversation with the therapist was about how to go forward. She said something I'd never thought of before. She talked about Jane needing to be taught to define and maintain her boundaries. The therapist said while I've viewed the sharing of pictures as a positive, when Jane is an adult she may be angry that the same people who harmed her, or allowed harm to happen to her, were given access to her most special moments via pictures. 

I had never once thought of that. It was a profoundly different view but something that I instantly understood. I have some family members who I don't like and I recoiled at the thought of them being given intimate access to my most important memories without my knowledge. 

Instead, we should begin letting Jane choose what pictures to send. That way she gets to decide what to share. And, if we do this every month it will be a way of keeping the conversation open so Jane feels free to talk about her adoption whenever she wants. 

Since Jane likely is a victim of sexual abuse (the therapist connected that, plus other signs I'm aware of, to the disassociation) she needs to be explicitly taught that it's okay to say no to people. 

I always viewed connection with birth family as a positive she'd appreciate one day. I never thought of it as forcing her to revisit her abuser's enablers. It's a shocking view and I feel terrible that it never once occurred to me. 

I really believe it was the smell of cigarette smoke from the package the girls opened that sent Jane back into their world. Smell is a strong trigger for memory. Grandma is careful to douse herself in perfume and chew gum and never smoke around the kids. Suddenly seeing grandma without warning on the screen lowered her coping mechanisms, too. She was surprised and overwhelmed and sent right back into memories of her trauma. 

And we had no idea. But I'm glad it's out now. I'm glad she finally truly displayed how she really feels. 

After talking this through with Theo we've decided to only have contact with the aunt, who has always been more steady. I will only share pictures and emails with her, not grandma. I will only share what Jane directly chooses to send or tell them about. 

I'm not going to explain any of this to grandma. That is the opposite of how I've operated in the past, and contrary to my very direct personality, but it's necessary. First, because it's never gone well when I've tried to tell grandma about anything she didn't want to hear. I've tried talking in person, over the phone, sending emails or sending letters. Grandma never listens or reads. She gets hysterical and focused on herself as a victim. She has never accepted any explanation I've given her. She is passive aggressive and angry. So, since I am no longer invested in this relationship I will no longer do what I think the morally right thing is. 

The therapist thinks this will all fade away. She thinks grandma, at 2 years after the girls leaving, has probably already moved on and only sees them because I initiated the visits. It's true that grandma doesn't email or ask for visits any more. 

So, we're done. At least for the next few years there will be no visits and minimal online communication. 

I am relieved. Sad and angry and betrayed and sad all over again. Grieving for what I had hoped to preserve for the girls but which never was really there to begin with.