Today the girls had a 20 minute Zoom call with their birth grandma. They last saw her in late October. Within minutes of the call ending, Jane's stutter resumed and continued for the rest of the day. With the stutter comes a blank look on her face, like the light going out of her eyes.
Within about an hour of the call ending Jane pooped her pants and then wallowed in the poop without changing herself for another hour or so. She played solo on another floor of the house and the issue was only detected when she came down to dinner. Just sitting there in her own feces without any awareness.
As soon as she was near me I smelled her, then saw the look on her face, and silently began cursing this grandma and her incessant, selfish, oblivious needs.
As I helped Jane clean herself up I silently fumed about all the birth parent blogs that complain about being cut off without explanation one day. This! Is! Why!
Little kids cannot handle repeated reminders of their traumatic past. They can't. And they shouldn't have to, dammit!
Of course the grandma would say Jane's responses to the /Zoom call were signs of how much Jane misses her and that she should see her more often. If Jane were an older child with a longer history of attachment to the grandma, I'd consider that.
But, the fact remains that the grandma made stupid choices that led to her not being granted custody. She is the one with the prison record and the ongoing history of alcohol and drug abuse and repeatedly lying to social workers and contradicting the judge's orders to give her skeevy son access to these girls. She chose her actions and now it's my court-ordered duty to keep the girls safe from her choices. So that means less contact, not more.
Furthermore, Jane never even talks about her grandma in between visits. If we talk about her it's because I bring it up. When the grandma sends cards or gifts we always give them to the girls. They're thrilled for a minute but then they move on--they aren't pining for this person.
But because all the experts say it's wrong to separate the girls from their birth family we keep doing these visits. I feel deeply in my gut that it's the wrong thing for Jane. Ironically, Kate is pretty unfazed by all contact with birth grandma. She was only 20 months old and has no memory of anyone from her past. The other day I said her birth mother's name and Kate didn't know who I was talking about. I think a visit with this birth grandma is like any visit with any friend or relative--a fun person to talk to; no emotional baggage.
The worst part comes at the end of every visit with grandma. She whines and cries about how sad she is. And I want to slap her every time. Don't put that on them! You aren't caring for their emotional health or building a relationship by crying into the phone! Be an adult. She can cry to me, if she wants, but she doesn't get to wind Jane up with her over-the-top misery just to make herself feel good by seeing her granddaughter cry. What a selfish bitch.
I think it's time to make a real change. I'll continue to send pictures every month. (But I'm toying with the idea of no longer sending images of their faces since either grandma or her son gained access to the album without our permission. I can send plenty of images of craft projects or snowmen or whatever without their faces fully visible.) I'll continue to send emails every 2-3 months giving tidbits about their lives. But I think we might go to a video message service. Theo found an app that lets you leave videos for a person.
OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD
As I'm writing this she comes out of her room. She says she has to go potty. She's still in her brain dead state so she's standing in the hallway, unable to move until I directly tell her to go. After she leaves the bathroom I call her to me, hoping we can talk. As soon as she walks up to me I see she's till blank faced and reeking of poop. I ask her questions. They have to be yes/no answers; she goes mute if asked anything more complex. She reveals that she has pooped in her pajamas, did finish in the bathroom, wiped herself, put back on her feces covered pajamas, and is about to climb back into bed still wearing them.
OH. MY. GOD.
Second round of clean up and new clothing and reiterating that she has to change out of clothes she has pooped in. She is stuttering and baby talking worse than I've heard her in months. Her brain is frozen up, utterly flooded with emotions.
I think it's fear. I think seeing grandma has put her into this almost catatonic state of fear that she will suddenly leave us and be put back into her old life.
She was diagnosed with Conversion Disorder after coming to us. She was having seizure-like episodes if simultaneously fatigued while experiencing an emotional stressor. It was explained to me that the body can physically manifest chaos in the brain.
I think, just like a small prey animal will defecate in fear when attacked by prey, that she is literally losing control of her bodily functions because she's flooded with fear. And it's worse because fear shuts down her capacity for speech, too.
So, Theo and I just spent an hour talking. We are completely done with any contact with birth grandma. Jane and Kate will not see her, speak to her, visit her at all until they are old enough to cope. We don't know when that will be. Jane is 5 now. Maybe when she's 8 or 10? Maybe not until she's 18 or beyond. But, seeing grandma harms Jane. We tried to maintain contact for 2 years. Jane has clearly and repeatedly showed us that seeing her is harmful to Jane's emotional well-being. Cutting off anything but letters and pictures is necessary for Jane.
It feels like a relief to have made this decision. And to have Theo's complete support. He was in charge of the Zoom call and he witnessed grandma's emotional manipulation, and he could also visibly see Jane's distress as the call went on.
New Year. New Path. I have not a single doubt that this is for the best.
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