Holidays and Fictive Relatives

 The man who dated the girls' grandma for a couple years and became a part of their lives for about a year (he would keep them every weekend so that the other grandma, who had temporary custody for 7 months, could get drunk every weekend in peace) has contacted me again this week. 

Last year we went to his house at Thanksgiving, trying to do the right thing by maintaining contact with birth family and people from the girls' past. This man also invited the girls' aunt and their cousins and they were thrilled to see them. It felt like a nice day. 

A week later I decided to learn more about him so I stalked his FB page. Oh lordy. The man is a nut job. He reposts endless memes on pretty much just three topics in this pattern: Pro-NRA, Vitriolic Hatred toward Democrats, Bible Verse. And then, right in the middle of this endless pattern--pictures of my girls that we took that day. 

And then all the comments from all the people saying, "You're such a wonderful grandpa! Those girls are so lucky to have you!" It made me want to vomit. This man was still pretending that he was some big rescuer to a needy family? It was truly sick. He was using my children to prop up his image. 

Worse yet, shortly after that pictures I'd sent him of the girls appeared on their birth mother's FB page. Obviously he'd shared them with her. 

A few months later, when he asked for more pictures (his emails are always very short: I'm sad. I want pictures.) I spent some time writing a thoughtful response explaining that the girls need to move on and settle into their old family, that seeing reminders from their past is stressful to them, and that I couldn't send him pictures after he shared those with their birth mother and she posted them as if she still had custody of them. 

No response. Then, this week, another email: I'm sad. Please send pictures and I promise not to share them. 

I was talking through this whole thing with Theo and realized it came down to this for me: in the two years that we have had the girls this man has never once asked about them. He doesn't actually have any interest in their lives. He is only a sad, lonely man with no kids of his own who likes the way these happy, bubbly girls make him feel. 

Their grandma, who they do see every few months, is the same way. I realized after our last visit that it never even occurred to her that Jane is school aged. She didn't even think to ask if Jane is in school. That's a pretty damn basic question to ask. Doesn't everyone ask a kid: What grade are you in? How do you like school? 

So, we're down to seeing the grandma every few months in a token effort to maintain some connection but not to any degree that will have too much of a negative impact on the girls. I won't respond to this man again. 

And I'll be the villain. In the stories they tell I will be the evil adoptive parent who swooped in, stole these girls from their loving family, and then cut off these wonderful adults for no good reason. I'll be the person who just stops communicating with no explanation. We have heard this story from every wronged birth family members. 

Here's what they don't tell: that they ignored emails explaining a change in communication; that straddling two worlds was stressful to the child and harmful to the bonding process; that there's a reason they were not fit to get custody of the kids in the first place; that they don't really care about the child at all but instead only care about their own loneliness. 

Proof: of the three adults who possibly could've gotten the girls (Aunt H, Grandma J, and this guy) custody was going to be granted to Aunt H. Aunt H declined, seeing that the girls were better off with us. To this day Aunt H is the only relative who actually cares about the girls. When she calls or emails she genuinely asks about them and is interested in their lives. She's the only one. Grandma J and this guy boo hoo about being sad and lonely but are fundamentally unable to care about anyone but themselves. 

And, my mantra has become: I can only take care of the emotional health of two people--the two girls in my care. I cannot take on the burden of propping up the emotional health of these other broken adults. I'm sorry they're sad but ultimately I cannot help them. 

There's a reason why so often birth family members portray the adoptive families as evil. It's true; in their minds. But there's a reason for the cruelty. Let's remember that, too.