GRANDMA'S RESPONSE
It was fine. Daytime trick or treating at the fairgrounds with Grandma was perfectly fine. She never even asked about school. She never asked about our next get together. In fact, she didn't do much except point out other fun costumes people were wearing.
Here's what I forgot: she's the most conflict averse person I've ever met. She doesn't want to talk about any unpleasant topics. She doesn't want to think about anything unhappy. She wants to live in a childish bubble of candy and cartoons.
I don't think she even realizes that kids are old enough to be in Kindergarten. I don't think she even thinks about such things. In fact, she didn't truly talk to the kids that much. She was super happy they gave her hugs at the beginning. She liked the fun of the event and escorting kids was a great way to have fun.
Really, the kids are just props so she can feel like a fun grandma. She doesn't really want a relationship. She wants pictures to show people.
Works for me. I'll supply all the pictures she wants if she agrees not to endanger my family by actually making her a part of it.
JANE'S RESPONSE
Now, on to Jane. It took her much longer to revert back to her old behaviors. I was actually pleased. Probably about 30-40 min before she started losing control. Of course she started baby talking the second she saw Jackie. I knew that'd happen and was just determined to say nothing all day--and I made it longer than I thought possible, at least an hour before I had to shut it down, so yeah for my tolerance increase.
But, in the end the utter delight of GETTING STUFF TO HOARD IN A BAG was too much for Jane to cope with normally. By 45 min she was walk/hopping, spread-legged and on tip-toe, arms raised, elbows wide, hands flapping at the wrists, unaware of anyone around her, endlessly repeating in a guttural squeak that is hard to explain: I GET CANDY I GET CANDY.
Interestingly, the weirder Jane got the more grandma backed away. Whereas at the beginning she was holding Jane's hand, by the end she'd maneuvered to have Kate's hand and I was left with Jane. Thanks. At that point, seeing nobody enjoying her behavior, I leaned over and whispered a prompt in her ear to get control of her body. That snapped her back into awareness and she quit all of it and returned to walking and talking perfectly normally. She truly goes into some other personality at these times. Getting stuff, especially a huge over abundance of stuff, free for the taking, is just feeding into some primitive need. Like when you have an itch and it finally gets itched and you can't help groaning and twisting in delight. It's an involuntary reaction that is weird in any other context but somehow okay because everyone does it. Well, getting a whole hoard of new stuff is like itching that itch for her. It sends her into paroxysms of delight.
BOTH GIRLS' RESPONSE
At home both Kate and Jane have had melt downs and been sent to their room to cry it out. Totally expected. We just tell them to come out when they're done. I tried to talk to both to debrief but neither had much to say. Just an awareness that Jackie's connected to a prior life that makes them upset when they think about it.
Given Jackie's disconnection and lack of genuine interest...and given the girls' struggles with being forced to remember their past...honestly, I think a visit every 6 months is fine. That's often enough to maintain a connection but not so often that I have to be stressed and they have to be sent back into a spiral of emotional confusion.
MY RESPONSE
And, after talking to Theo last night, he reminded me that Jackie is so conflict-avoidant I never have to say this is our plan. I can just deflect and beg off being too busy and then just happen to have visits on my schedule (every 6 mon or so) without ever once announcing it. I somehow forget that other people don't need clarity or seek communication. People in Jackie's social class live in the moment. They never plan ahead. It never occurs to them to have goals.
I need to both capitalize on this by using it to my advantage...while reminding myself how much better off the girls are with us and that it is my responsibility to raise them better than what they came from (and not send them back into that world by having too much contact).
FUTURE
One more thought. I felt bad coaching the kids not to say anything about their school to her. I've never once ever asked a child to lie or deflect. But, truth is, there's gonna be lots of topics we don't want them sharing with her. This was just training for a future where we need them to understand that she isn't privy to all of their life. Sad, but true.
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