"I Couldn't Decide"

 Appropos of nothing, Jane just had a total emotional breakdown, breakthrough?, something or other, I'm not even sure what to call it. 

She was getting pajamas on and she wouldn't ask for help but literally fell over wrestling herself into them. I came to help and began talking to her about her choice--refusing to ask for help is like choosing to be alone. She hates feeling lonely or alone or left behind so making this connection was powerful. 

That led to talking about being a member of the family. When she lies and isn't her authentic self then she isn't really with us. Those behaviors are separating herself from us; being alone. 

This is complicated, abstract stuff and I wonder if I'm saying too much but there's a side of her that has experienced so much trauma that she is mature beyond her years. She, on her own, makes observations about human behavior that are far beyond what I'd expect from a 5 yr old. And, she avidly absorbs and extrapolates during our conversations so I truly don't think I'm saying things she cannot understand. 

After much crying (she was on my lap in the rocking chair) she said something that led me to ask about what she remembered about coming here. She recalled one of the visits with her first mother in which Theo and I took her to/from the visit. She said, "And I couldn't decide who I wanted to leave with! There were so many people there and it was such a hard decision. I couldn't decide! I couldn't!" She was absolutely wailing in distress as she told me this story. She flung her arms out and looked at me with such distress at the memory. The horrible confusion and stress of that day came back and she was reliving it. How awful it was to see her mother and desperately want her mother, and yet the need to be safe and return to our calm home. She'd only been with us a few weeks at that point, yet she already knew how different our home was.

I know the day she's talking about and what strikes me now, looking back, is how differently that day appeared to an outsider. I saw a very well behaved, but somewhat hyper/frenetic girl playing obsessively with toys. I saw a girl who went running to her first mother upon our arrival. Only to be pushed aside as that mother reached for the baby, Kate, in my arms. Her mother had greeted her with a hug because Jane ran ahead and got to her first. Her mother appeared happy to see Jane. But then, when Kate appeared her mother broke down and cried. She pulled Kate from my arms, crying, "my baby!". She so clearly preferred Kate. It was awful to see Jane, who wanted her mother, to be pushed aside. Not least of all because Kate seemed ambivalent about going to her mother. I remember wondering why the one who was most loved seemed the least interested.

The visit lasted an hour. When we returned Jane was playing frenetically with the toys in the visitation room at the social worker's office. The mother wanted a picture of herself with the girls and we tried to get them to pose. Jane refused to look at the camera (as she always did back then). When we were about to leave Jane peed herself a little bit and we had to delay while she went to the bathroom. I didn't realize what was happening but her mother recognized the signs and sent her. I felt like a bad mother because I didn't see what was going on. 

But, throughout all of this, I also remember an extremely well behaved little girl. She did not cause a problem, even when it was time to go and we had to buckle the girls into their car seats. She didn't hardly react much. Now, only now almost 2 years later, I learn that she was fully aware of the situation and feeling agonized over it. 

Knowing, now, how traumatic those visits were, I am glad now that there were so few. I think the girls only had 2-3 visits before rights were terminated.