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I Dunno

 I think this is our fourth week of school for the littles. It could be the third or fifth, I've lost all perspective. There were four different school start dates in our family and I can't keep track of anything anymore. 

It's a good thing we're coming off a shut down, and many schools still aren't open in person, so I'm still super grateful my kids even get to go to school or else I'd be a little exasperated with the whole go-to-school thing. The germ factory already sent one cold through the family and I think the second wave may be starting. James has a meltdown every morning and now needs a bribe to go to school (I bought a pile of 99 cent boxes of crayons and we're in cahoots with his teacher to convince him it's vitally important he deliver a new box every day. He's the all important Speedy Delivery Man upon whom the society of Kindergarten depends. It's working...sorta. It gets him in the door but not without some tears.)

Jane is yo-yo-ing every day. At dinner last night Theo and I just stared across the table at each other, eyebrows arching in fear of what was coming next, as she swung wildly through about five emotions in less than 2 minutes. I know she is exhausting herself all day long trying to do school just perfectly in order to win love and affection from her teacher. Except that isn't going to work. This is the first time Jane has been in the regular care of another adult and I can see her totally at a loss about how to navigate this relationship. Her teacher is a 20+ year veteran who isn't going to get sucked into Jane's games for affection. 

Today, at pickup, she cried because she couldn't find her coat (she was already wearing it). She was angry because James got the day off school (doc and dentist appts for him and I didn't want to do the drive 4 times in one day so he got a free afternoon at home). Knowing he got something and she didn't absolutely infuriated her. So, on the way home she's leaning way out of her seat, pestering Kate, messing with the window, etc. I told her 3 times to sit correctly in her seatbelt. When we got home I asked her what she was doing and she lied. Then, there's the consequence for lying (she's in her room) that sent her into violent wailing and flailing. She is sooooo tired. Emotionally worn out. I told her she had to stay in her bed and sleep. She needs about 20 hours straight.  

And then I need the patience and time to spend endless hours reassuring her she doesn't have to be perfect, will always be in our family, will always be loved, can make mistakes, doesn't have to lie, etc etc etc. If only I had limitless emotional reserves myself. 


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