Raising Daughters

 I don't know if it's just plain raising daughters, or more specifically, raising daughters with a history of trauma, that has changed me but I am forever changed. I am more on guard when other adults are around my kids. I am more attuned to their demeanor during and after an encounter. And, I've become the letter writer. 

Covid has led me to send more letters to businesses in the past few months than I have in my whole life before. Initially, I was sending letters praising stores that enforced health precautions. Now, I'm just a letter writing fool. Everyone likes to get mail, right?

Last week Jane had her first ever eye exam. It all went well until the tech needed to put in the eye drops to dilate her eyes. Jane is an incredibly compliant little girl. She lives to please. The tech was exclaiming all over the place about how great Jane was doing for being only 4 yrs old. Then, she tells Jane to tip her head back and WHAM in goes a drop. Jane had absolutely no warning this was going to happen. She'd been happily following directions and getting praised and was smiling away when suddenly this shocking, stinging thing is in her eye. 

I understand why the tech didn't prep her. Would any 4 yr old open their eye if told drops were going in? But, all the same, it was a cruel trick. 

And here's the really bad part. Right after she did it, Jane began crying quite hysterically so, to attempt to calm her, the tech said, "Are we still friends?"

Uhm, whoa. Back up, lady. You're a total stranger. You just lured a girl into compliance with sweet talk. Then you hurt her. Now you want to be friends? More specifically, now you want to elicit an "I like you" statement from a 4 yr old you just hurt and scared? 

Does this not sound exactly like an abusive relationship? Isn't that pattern of sweet talk--rewards--harm--gaslighting statement of love precisely what an abusive boyfriend or husband does some day?

How dare you program my 4 yr old that she is supposed to take care of the adult's feelings! How dare you force a crying child to deny the truth about what just happened!

The rational side of me knows the tech did NOT intend any of that. It was a thoughtless phrase. The tech felt bad about Jane's reaction and was trying to reassure Jane that she, the tech, wasn't really a bad person. Also, please settle down because the whole office can hear you crying and I need to get this second drop in. The tech was rattled and said something awkward and thoughtless. I totally understand there was no evil intent. 

But, I see now how these ideas are so casually enmeshed in our society we don't even see it. We can casually shape a child's expectations of their world simply by denying their hurt. It's a constant, tiny harm to young minds to deny reality because the alternate reality is more comfortable to the adults. I seek to, foremost, always be honest with my kids. When something is going to hurt, and when they've hurt themselves, I tell them. 

My response to Jane's hysteria was to take her on my lap and sooth her while telling her, yes, sometimes things at the doctor's office do hurt but we need to be brave and the good news is that the hurting thing is over very quickly so we only have to be brave for a little while. 

So, I wrote a letter about all this to the office manager. I stressed all the ways the tech did a great job and that I believed she meant absolutely no harm and seemed like the kind of person who would want to know how to do her job better and this was an education opportunity. I do hope they consider employee-wide training about not manipulating the emotions of small children. 

______

 

I have to say a bit about Jane's reaction. She wailed and was mad and I was thrilled! It was more reaction, and a more genuinely honest reaction, than I've ever seen from her before! She almost totally disassociates when in pain. I can't forget a year ago when she went utterly still when the doc had to pull a doll shoe from her nostril, even after her nose began to bleed from the instruments. (And watching a child who should be screaming and thrashing lie there utterly limp and refuse all offers of comfort is the saddest, spookiest thing I've ever seen.)

This time she was like, HEY! That SCARED me and STUNG and I'm MAD! I was so incredibly proud of her. And did not seek to shush her one bit, though the tech would've preferred that I had. I let her cry while I held and rocked her. We got the second drop in and then I took Jane to the waiting room. 

Here's where I noted the second big thing. Jane asked me the same question five times in about 2 minutes. It was like talking to a patient with dementia. She kept asking, "are they going to do that again?" And I'd answer her no. Then a few seconds later she'd look at me and ask the question again as if asking it for the very first time. 

After the fifth or so time I said, "Do you remember how I answered that?" That snapped her out of her reverie. I could literally watch her brain restart and re-engaged. Her brain had been stuck due to her fear and she absolutely was not processing a single thing going on around her. Once I asked her a question she was able to restart her brain and process my answer and begin to be reassured. 

So, the take away from an incredibly emotionally exhausting eye doctor visit. 1) There's an underlying belief that says girls should be compliant, even when acting against their own best wishes, and we perpetuate that in tiny, seemingly harmless ways from a young age. 2) Jane is starting to advocate for herself and yell and show anger!! Hooray!! 3) Jane is unable to process speech when stressed. 

I kinda already knew #3. But I want to explore #1 and #2 more. About two weeks ago I made Jane list all the things that make her mad and praised her for her honesty. I learned, for the very first time, that she hates it when I send her outside to play or make her take a big drink of water. I'd had no idea! It was fascinating to see into her mind when she covers up her true feelings so constantly. I think under the surface is a deeply angry little girl. I want to keep cracking that surface open and showing her how to express it honestly. 

There's hope for this girl!