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Jealousy and Trauma

 The real bitch of raising kids with childhood trauma is that it's always there. 

We're in the midst of a bunch of transitions due to back to school and of course major life transitions are always hard but then there's this underlying everything. I was gone for three days to take Seth to college = abandonment trigger. Seth is mysteriously gone and he isn't coming back = trigger. Kids go to meet their new teacher in their new classroom = trigger. 

It's just so damn exhausting. 

Today I'm moving James into Seth's old room (because it gives some breathing room for Gus who has had to share a room with his baby brother for years and also because James is the easiest to move back in with Gus when Seth returns on break). I have not bought one new thing for James. His same old stuff is moving over or I'm getting a few items from the garage (e.g. an old carpet remnant). 

The girls come into the room because James is in there and I'm trying to make this happy and exciting for James since he's feeling some trepidation about being in a room all by himself since he's never experienced that before. I've moved a few of James' favorite toys in there and am showing him how fun it'll be to have his own play area. 

The girls' faces both go hard and angry. Furious jealousy boiling under the surface. Jane starts playing chaotically with the toys and has to be told to leave the room. Kate doesn't last much longer. 

Then I'm pissed. Why must they ruin everything? This isn't childhood variety jealousy; this is pent up pissyiness from all the transitions and all their fears being triggered. And now they take it out on James just when he's most vulnerable.

The girls have a lovely, adorable room with a host of their own private toys. Just last week Jane got a whole day out with me--special treats and some time browsing the racks for new clothes. Kate got a whole trip out of state with me earlier in the summer. Do they remember this? Do they have a grasp of how neglected James has been, and continues to be, due to their incessant needs? Of course not. They're 3 and 4yo, after all. 

But I'm exhausted by the constancy of the need. By the fact that they become MOST needy in direct correlation to when we are MOST stressed and busy. 

They only see what they have missed; what they don't have. At what point will they have healed enough to see, instead, what they have been given? How sweet their life is and how wonderful it is to be generous with instead of jealous of their siblings?


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